I’ve chatted with countless monsters over the years, from Dracula to the titular piece of furniture in Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, and they all seem to believe they’re destined to saturate the world with chaos and calamity until they themselves are obliterated. But this, in my opinion, is an unhealthy mindset. Wouldn’t we all be better off if the fiends of the world stopped ripping off limbs, and instead focused their energies on something more productive, like entering data into an Excel spreadsheet?

Some pessimists out there might assume that monsters are a lost cause when it comes to gainful employment, but I believe the only difference between a well-regarded professional and an unholy monstrosity is that somewhere along the way the monster was given some bad career advice. Therefore, as a world-renowned career counseling enthusiast, I’m going to utilize this post to suggest some alternate career paths for five malevolent brutes.

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