Monsters. They lay bare our darkest desires and deepest fears. There’s no hiding the worst with a monster—it’s right there, on the surface. And aside from the fact that claws and big teeth just look awesome, monsters are way more fun than moral, upstanding characters, aren’t they? That darkness is alluring. Sometimes, it’s like gazing into a mirror.
Regardless, our love for monsters remains evergreen. Which means the discussion of which ones we’d like to hook up with rises time and time again. But what would some of these monsters actually look like as romantic partners? Would they be good spouses? Or would they be the type to not even text back?
I decided it was long overdue to do a deep dive into some of our most popular monsters. From cold-blooded aliens to noncommittal eboys to hardworking DILFs, I present to you a whole spectrum of monstrosity to choose from—and personally, I don’t think you can go wrong with any.
The Xenomorph is the deadly, terrifying monster at the helm of the Alien franchise. When it comes down to it, they’re all about protecting the hive and continuing the production of their species. They’re intelligent, amazing problem solvers, and most importantly: survivors. Where one might see a killing machine, I see a wife. You’d have to be careful, what with that acidic blood, but a xenomorph would be a fire for fire kind of partner. It wouldn’t be a long relationship… but it would be a passionate one.
The Yautja are equal parts ruthless and honorable. Yeah, they hunt humans, but they hunt humans because they see us as worthy opponents. The same as any other dangerous lifeform they take on in this vast universe. If that ain’t a compliment, I don’t know what is.
The reception of Alien vs. Predator is mixed, to put it lightly. But I like it for reasons completely unrelated to plot. Seeing one of the Yautja ally with the main character, Lex, opened my mind up to some amazing possibilities. Monsters, yes, but also, respectful kings?
All that to say: this is a gracious alien warrior you could run away with. You’d never have to worry about them betraying you or stabbing you in the back. Once they’re yours, they’re yours, and there’s no changing that.
Angel, Midnight Mass
Truthfully, the “angel” from Midnight Mass didn’t have malicious intent beyond its desire to feed and survive—and can we really call that malicious? I’d argue that was just basic instinct. However, basic instinct aside, the angel stuck beside Monsignor Pruitt as he carried out his whole Revelations agenda, and I really do believe that is the makings of a loyal partner. Imagine that kind of unyielding support in a relationship? Like, hey, you do your thing and I’ll do mine and, oh yeah, we’ll terrorize this small island while we’re at it? (Kidding, but like, think about it.) Not your average ride or die, but the angel has its own charms.
Also, it was looking so sexy in that chasuble.
Ryuk, Death Note
Would Ryuk be a good boyfriend? No. But he’d be a necessary phase. The noncommittal one who won’t text you back and who probably isn’t going to call, even though you really want him to call. Ryuk is what these eboys are trying to be. You’d have some good, wild times with him though—and I think Light Yagami can attest to that.
Forever jealous that Eddie Brock gets to have a big, strange alien living in his body, defending him and having deep romantic talks like “I am Venom and you are mine.” It wouldn’t be a conventional romance, not in the slightest, but the bond here would be unmatched. And if the scene of Venom cooking breakfast in Let There Be Carnage is any indication of the future, well, count me in. Talk about thoughtful. Venom is feral, gay and completely disastrous, which is, in my book, the completely right way to be in life.
Bumblebee isn’t the only transformer who could take my hand in marriage (Megatron, I’m looking at you), but as far as partners go, he’s a solid choice. This gigantic robotic being from outer space is definitely giving golden retriever boyfriend. Good, gentle, the type to always bring you presents and compliment your outfits. It would probably cause a scene every time you went out in public but think of all the romantic playlists! And you’ll never need to drive again. Need I say more?
Amphibian Man, The Shape of Water
The Asset, or as we call him, the Amphibian Man, is the ancient kind of monster that only comes once in a lifetime. If you’re so lucky. Like, hello, we’re talking about an actual god.
He’s vicious, but he’s also quite lovely. So, Elisa, I get it. I’d do the same thing. You’d have to drop everything so you could run away with him. But if that means going to some other realm under the sea with a hot monster instead of staying in our mundane one, then why the hell not?
The Beast, Beauty and the Beast
My feelings about Disney’s Beauty and the Beast are complicated. On one hand, it’s a classic, and I can’t help but sing “Be Our Guest” every time it comes on. On the other, though, is this sense of complete and utter discontent whenever the curse is broken, and I see the Beast transform into what I find is a Very Average Dude. Personally, I think he was a lot hotter pre-curse breaking.
After all, it’s really the monster we fall for in this movie. With him, you’d get to live out your enemies-to-lovers dreams in a giant French castle—and deep down, he isn’t so bad. He’s just insecure and wants to be loved.
James P. Sullivan, Monsters, Inc.
Who better a long-term spouse than the hard-working James Sullivan? You might be feeling skeptical with this one but hear me out. He’s modest—and totally devoted to the people he cares about. He’s someone you could count on, and he’s definitely hot dad material. (For reference, see the entire plot of Monsters, Inc.)
I feel like James Sullivan is the type of monster who would be very content with a “normal” life. Cozy movie nights and quiet dates. He wouldn’t ask anything of you, except for you to be your beautiful self. Also, he’s the top scarer at his job, which means (1) good income and (2) he can protect you when it comes down to it. I foresee a long and happy partnership, if that’s your thing.
And that’s the list! But that’s just nine monsters and there’s no shortage of options. (For no reason at all, I am quite fond of the reapers in Blade II.) What about you? Which monsters would you give it all for?
Circe Moskowitz is a wanderer at heart and firmly believes home is anywhere she can sit down and read. These days, she lives in Kentucky, writing stories about love and horror. Find her on Twitter (@circemoskowitz) and her website (circemoskowitz.com).