If Rand al’Thor Were Your Boyfriend…

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, you’d be a sister-wife. This man has somehow bagged a coven of devoted badass babes, and you’d be lucky to be one of them, sweetie! But…if Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, well, you would be one of them, and that’s what the kids call “squad goals.”

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, he’d constantly flex and make you tell him how cool his dragon tattoos were. “Oh yeah, honey, these are so badass, and I definitely haven’t seen five guys in Ed Hardy shirts with the exact same ones,” you’d say, brimming with sincerity.

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, you would definitely be in it to date him, a mythical figure fated to go insane and then die, instead of for the gang of smokeshow goddesses he is also dating. You’re straight, and you’d be in it to date him. For sure.

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, you’d have pretty sweet date nights. What’s the point of dating the most powerful wizard-king in all the land if he can’t magically whisk you away for fancy cocktails in Arad Doman, then dinner and a show in Ebou Dar (the show is a knife fight, it’s always a knife fight), and then dessert in the desert, hanging out in the Aiel Waste. It would be awesome and romantic until you inevitably got attacked by a fist of Trollocs—but even that wouldn’t be so bad, because you’d grab your sword and you and your man would defeat monsters together, and if that isn’t romantic, then what is?

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, he’d make you call him the Dragon Reborn in bed. Actually, you’d never run out of things to call him. Shadowkiller. Car’a’carn. Coramoor? More like…Cor-amour. He Who Comes With the Dawn? Depends on the time of day, I guess.

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, he would literally never pick up after himself. He’d disappear his pile of dirty underwear with forbidden balefire. “Is that what you wanted?! Is it?!” You’re a reasonable person, though, so you’d ask him if he thought it was fair for you to be stuck with all the housework. Rand al’Thor would put one gigantic, callused hand on your shoulder and tell you solemnly that duty is heavier than a mountain and death is lighter than a feather. The fact that you’re only trying to get some laundry done would be entirely forgotten.

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, he’d use the One Power to set your sheets on fire for having a lower thread-count than his silk coats.

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t allow you to talk to any of his friends. “Any of them could turn on me at any moment. I just want to keep you safe.” That doesn’t seem like the best way to maintain a relationship with your childhood pals. Not very healthy. He’d expect you to stop talking to all your friends, too: “they’re just using you to get to me, sweetheart.” You’d only be allowed to talk to Rand al’Thor’s other girlfriends, really. That part wouldn’t be too bad, at least. You think you’d find their…conversation…stimulating.

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, you’d get to peruse the Karaethon Cycle and see if they mentioned you at all. It might not be the healthiest basis for a relationship, but admit it: it’d be cool as hell to see yourself mentioned in a centuries-old prophecy!

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, you’d be getting acquainted with a whole new kind of privilege. White male privilege is one thing, but then there’s Ta’avern privilege to contend with! The sense of entitlement that comes with being a Chosen One is second to none. Moirane tried to warn him that he was becoming arrogant, and Rand cut her out of his inner circle. It’s probably better if you don’t say anything, but that’s not the best way to foster open communication in a relationship.

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, you’d really enjoy watching his daily sword practice. I mean, say what you will but the man is foine, and he busted his ass to learn how to use a sword like that. You really respect his dedication to the craft, ya know? The only downside would be that he’d make you look at the magic big open wound on his ribs every day. “Does it hurt,” you’d ask him? “Not much hurts me anymore,” he’d respond in his cold, distant baritone. Do you have a thing for emotionally distant men with six-pack abs?

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, you’d have to admit that he was a total “sword guy.” He’s lucky that he’s basically king of the world, and has people providing him with fine luxury fashions, because otherwise, he’d totally be the type of guy to tip his fedora at you and invite you back to his apartment so you could “appreciate his sword collection.” “While the Wheel was busy weaving as it wills, I studied the blade,” he’d say to you.

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, he’d be all up in your dreams. No, not like “oh, just dreaming of my eight-foot tall boyfriend” style dreams, where he rips his shirt off and rides up to you on a gorgeous stallion in a field of wildflowers. Rand would literally just pop into your dreams and check up on them to make sure you weren’t running around on him. Being the Dragon Reborn is a tough gig and all, but that is not a great way to create a foundation of trust and respect. Do they have relationship therapists in Wheelie-world?

If Rand al’Thor were your boyfriend, you’d probably be asking yourself why you weren’t dating almost anyone else in the Wheel of Time universe.

Caroline Perny is a lover of glitter, chaos, and breakfast sandwiches. She is a publicity manager at Tor Books by day, and a nerdy metalhead by moonlight. Pronouns are she/her. Follow her on Twitter @CarolinePerny.


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