A Guide to Preparing a Supernatural Advance Directive

As a fan of fantasy and horror, you probably believe that you would survive should any of the nightmare scenarios you read about—zombie plagues, invading demons, vampire boyfriends—come to pass. Why, with your knowledge, you should be the hero of such a story!

But what if it doesn’t work out that way? What if you are bitten or possessed? How can you be sure to receive the care you want? While there are many guides available for creating advance directives (or living wills) in the case of natural illness or incapacitation, this guide will prepare you to address the most common preternatural threats and reclaim what control you have in a chaotic world. In each case, you may select from the options given or write in your own choices. May this be useful in making your decisions known should the worst come to pass.

 

Section I: Choosing your proxy

Your proxy is the individual authorized to make important decisions on your behalf should you be unable to do so. This should be someone who knows you well, whom you would trust with your life, and who fears neither the dark corners of the world nor the unnamed terrors that dwell therein. This individual should have the mental and physical strength to kill you if need arises, with access to appropriate weaponry, like silver bullets, consecrated swords, or a pump-action shotgun. Your proxy should create their own advance directive as well.

 

Section II: Zombie Infection

(For victims of mind-control, see Section IV: Possession.)

Zombies are mindless revenants who roam the night feeding on the brains of the living. While the causes of this reanimation are many and remain poorly understood, a zombie bite invariably leads to the bitten becoming a zombie. Should you become infected, you will need advanced instructions to deal with it.

Outline, and discuss with your proxy, the means by which you should be destroyed if bitten, and when. Circle the option below that best fits your intentions, or write your own on the line provided.

Should I be bitten by a zombie, I choose:

  • to be shot as soon as I am bitten, to spare myself the agony of humanity leaching away.
  • to be beheaded with an axe or a shovel only after the transformation is complete.
  • to have my zombie self kept as a pet, suitably restrained and fed animal brains. (This is illegal in many states; be sure to check with your local authorities. Zombies can survive in captivity indefinitely.)
  • other — specify:

 

Section III: Vampire and Werewolf Infection

While the prospect of turning into a flesh-eating zombie is understandably a horrific one, vampirism and lycanthropy are more nuanced. For many, desire to consume human blood or uncontrollable transformation into lupine predator is a manageable condition. In such cases, a person is capable of making medical and care decisions. These should be respected, but a proxy is necessary. During the full moon, having someone advocate for you while you are reduced to a slavering monster is essential.

For others, transformation into anything inhuman is not livable. Make your choice clear, with a proxy to terminate your unnatural life. Circle the options below that best fit your intentions, or write your own on the line provided.

Should I turn into a werewolf, I choose:

  • to be destroyed by silver weaponry as soon as possible.
  • to spend the full moon restrained in a: basement / zoo / five-star hotel. (circle one)
  • to be fed: free-range chickens / hamburgers / tofu and brown rice-based dog food. (circle one)
  • other — specify:

Should I turn into a vampire, I choose:

  • to embrace my crimson thirst without unnecessary intervention.
  • to be destroyed with a stake through the heart by my proxy or under their supervision.
  • that my body be: burned / left conspicuously in a vault, where definitely no blood would drip on it to reanimate it. (circle one)
  • other — specify:

Should an attempted vampire transformation leave me in an irreversible magical coma, I choose to be:

  • beheaded.
  • placed under hospice care.
  • beautifully displayed as the undead embodiment of tragic love.
  • other — specify:

 

Section IV: Possession

If you are possessed by a demon, driven to insanity by close proximity to Elder Gods, or fall under the controlling spell of a magic user, it is essential your proxy be able to advocate for you. While you may not suffer physically, your mind and soul are at great risk. You deserve to be treated with dignity while the evil controlling you is expunged.

It is essential your proxy know you well enough to identify that you have been possessed in the first place, and obtain an official diagnosis. Without it, you may be legally responsible for your actions even while possessed. This can result in prison, or death by pitchfork-wielding mob. Circle the options below that best fit your intentions, or write your own on the line provided.

In the case of supernatural possession, I choose to be placed under the care of a:

  • Catholic priest.
  • pagan shaman.
  • internet psychic.
  • local paranormal investigator.
  • other — specify:

If I cannot be freed from possession, I choose:

  • to allow the force to keep my body as its vessel, since possessed me is cooler anyway.
  • to have my body destroyed if it can be done without endangering the souls of others.
  • other — specify:

In the case of supernatural madness, I choose that journals documenting my ramblings, as well as any unusual, ancient, or ineffably ugly artifacts found in my effects, be:

  • destroyed.
  • boxed and sent to my next of kin.
  • other — specify:

 

Section V: Resurrection

The dead can be returned to life through bargaining with occult forces, wishes made on severed animal parts, physical retrieval from any of a number of underworlds, or burial in ritually-charged soil. Effects vary, and even if it is possible to be resurrected with no adverse side effects, you must make clear to your proxy what your choices are. Circle the options below that best fit your intentions, or write your own on the line provided.

In the event of my death, natural or otherwise, I choose:

  • not to be resurrected.
  • to be resurrected by any means available.
  • to be resurrected only if my proxy and care provider agree dead would not be better in my case.
  • other — specify:

In the event of resurrection against my will or by accident, I choose:

  • to be killed and returned to my dead state.
  • to remain alive if I can do so with minimal change to my previous quality of life.
  • other — specify:

 

Sign this document with your heart’s blood and have your proxy do the same. Thus will you be bound for an eternity unless you wish to make changes to the directive. To do so, collect and burn all extant copies, scatter the ashes, and sign an updated document as soon as possible.

Take care of yourself out there!

Jessica Lévai has loved stories and storytellers her whole life. After a double major in history and mathematics, a PhD in Egyptology, and eight years of the adjunct shuffle, she devoted herself to writing full-time. You can find her work in Luna Station Quarterly, The Overcast, and Vampires, Zombies and Ghosts Volume 2. Her first novella is a vampire romance in Pushkin sonnets. She has begun work on her second long-form piece and dreams of one day collaborating on a graphic novel, and meeting Stephen Colbert.

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