Which SFF Character Would You Pick to Officiate Your Wedding? | Tor.com

Which SFF Character Would You Pick to Officiate Your Wedding?

The Telegraph has reported that Ian McKellen turned down 1.5 million dollars in 2013 to officiate Sean Parker’s (of Facebook and Napster) wedding. The Tolkien-themed nuptials could only have been elevated by the presence of McKellen, but it seems that the couple wanted him to dress as Gandalf for the proceedings, to which he replied: “I am sorry, Gandalf doesn’t do weddings.”

While it is easy to understand McKellen’s reticence, it does get one thinking… if you could pick any SFF character to officiate your wedding, who would you choose?

Genre fans often find ways to loop their interests into the big day, from themed vows to unique rings to appropriate aisle-walking music to full-out cosplay. And of course, many couples opt for the Princess Bride classic at the start of the ceremony—”Mawwiage! Mawwiage is what bwings us together today.”

But nevermind the million dollar paycheck and a celebrity on the program; if you could just grab any old character from one of your favorite worlds to officiate, who would you chose? Someone who would elevate the romance of the proceedings? Someone who wouldn’t take it seriously at all? Someone who might show up to the ceremony after several early drinks at the bar?

Here are a few options to get us started….


Marvin, the Paranoid Android (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

Marvin the paranoid android, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Sure, he would probably predict divorce or death or any number of unpleasantries during the vows, but that’s sort of the point, right? Any of his AI or robot brethren would be welcome to try their hand, really. Robot from Lost in Space, Johnny Five from Short Circuit, Jude-Law-the-Gigolo android from A.I., the M-5 computer from Star Trek if you want things to get really interesting. Oo! Ooooo! Wall-E and EVE!


Ruby Rhod (The Fifth Element)

Ruby Rhod, The Fifth Element

This radio DJ of the future is liable to give you the raunchiest ceremony you could ask for, and he would be dressed to the absolute nines. Obviously, you’d want to make sure your entire wedding was built to the correct level of drama before asking Rhod to attend, but you’d end up with an event that no one would ever forget.


Delirium (Sandman)

Delirium, Sandman, The Kindly Ones

Art by Marc Hempel, colored by Daniel Vozzo

She’d forget what she was doing every 30 seconds (and probably ask her fish to speak now or forever hold their… pieces of eight?) You would have a lovely rainbow of a ceremony, and everyone would leave confused about exactly what event transpired, if they could parse through the evening at all.


Iroh (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Uncle Iroh, Avatar: The Last Airbender

He would be the warmest, fuzziest officiant in the universe. He would deliver a gorgeous anecdote about the power of love, and talk about how beautiful you were as a couple, how you complimented each other’s strengths and bolstered each other at your weakest. He would brew you a perfect cup of tea and you would cry the whole way through and you wouldn’t feel bad about it.


The Worm (Labyrinth)

Worm, Labyrinth

He’s just a worm. A worm with a missus. He’s probably great at officiating. He probably got ordained back before the Labyrinth even existed, and has been dying to use those skills.


The Doctor—Preferably 5, 8 or 9 (Doctor Who)

Doctor Who, Nine

Any of the Doctors could officiate, but Five, Eight, and Nine all seem the sorts who would actually get through your ceremony, rather than rushing off to save the world in the middle. Also, Nine would be super psyched that someone thought of him to do something not world-destroying, so he’d be the cutest.


Who are your officiant picks?


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