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Theories on What Star Wars: Episode VII Could Be Like

With word of Disney acquiring Lucasfilm yesterday also came the shocking news that George Lucas is giving up Star Wars. In a move that almost seems like a public break-up, Star Wars is now someone else’s problem, and not its creator’s. Does this mean the Star Wars brand is about to get better or worse? And what of the Episode VII talk? While it seems unlikely any sane person would actually attempt to make a sequel to Return of the Jedi…what if they did? Here are a few of the scarier, more ridiculous ideas we’ve cooked up…let’s see if you can do any better, Hollywood!

Expanded Universe Books as Movies

The Star Wars universe has spawned dozens of novels that could easily be used as fodder for upcoming films—but would that be wise? In certain cases it could be a fabulous idea; the creation of Coruscant was not an invention from Lucas, rather it came from Timothy Zahn’s mid-90s books. In that instance, it worked well for Star Wars, but what if they did make the choice to use that playground as the basis for new movies? What if we were given young Obi-Wan Kenobi begging Qui-Gon to train him, or tiny Solo children when they’re kidnapped in The Crystal Star? Or Han’s weirdo lookalike cousin, Thrackan Sal-Solo? What if we had to deal with two trilogies of films detailing the tedious Yuuzhan Vong invasion? Would anyone watch Star Wars films after that?

Remake Star Wars in Its Entirety

If Star Wars is going to hold onto its status as a modern myth, then this was always a distinct possibility. One of the most notable aspects of any mythology is its constant reinvention; it’s part of the reason why superhero tales easily fall into the category. Could Star Wars be remade? We admit that it’s not likely for the 2015 film, but in, say, 20-30 years, we’d say it’s a definite possibility.

And what happens then? Does Darth Vader get a makeover? Do the prequel plots get paired down and simplified? Do the scripts get grittier and hit closer to home, the way the BSG reboot did? We have to admit that some of these ideas could really work for Star Wars in the long run…we just hope they keep away from it for now. It’s not the best show of faith to completely reinvent a franchise as soon as you’ve gotten a hold of the reins.

Star Wars: The Rebellion House

If they wanted to handle the same characters from the original trilogy, but go in a different direction tonally, why don’t they make a comedy in space? Let’s show Han, Luke, and Leia in their golden years, playing pranks on lots of aging aliens and telling their whippersnapper grandchildren just what saving the galaxy was all about. Then you could get all the original actors back and just mess around. Think The Golden Girls, but on Alderaan II and with more interesting costumes (though we suspect Blanche’s clothes were probably imported from the Star Wars wardrobe department, back in the 80s).

Step Up: Star Wars-style

We figure an old-fashioned musical is too passé for Star Wars now, so why don’t they capitalize on those Step Up dance films? It would give them a perfect excuse to recast the original crew as young hotties and fill the whole thing full of pop music. Observe:

She’s a princess who needs to convince the galaxy to throw off the bonds of tyranny. He’s a rogue who uses his dance troupe as a means to smuggle goods across the Empire’s territory. She’s not fond of his contraband or his methods, but in him she sees the opportunity to change people’s minds…through the power of dance. Calling her brother (a wicked DJ raised on a remote, boring desert planet) to join in on the fun, they work together to show the Emperor—a man so uptight, he’s never even listened to Justin Timberlake’s “SexyBack” the whole way through—that his reign is coming to a close.

Star Wars Episode VII: Raiders of the Lost Dinosaur Planet

Every wondered what killed the dinosaurs? Well, it wasn’t an asteroid. Instead, it was yet another Death Star prototype, hijacked by Sith extremists. In this storyline, set many years after Return of the Jedi, an aging Luke Skywalker (they pay Mark Hamill tons of money) is leading a Battlestar Galactica-style convoy between galaxies in the hope of finding a new source of food. There’s been a big famine in the galaxy and everyone is on the run! Luke will have an awesome squad of hotshot young Jedi all played by really hip Hollywood actors like Zoe Saldana, Taylor Kitsch, and for some reason, Owen Wilson. Their main ship is actually a converted Death Star prototype, which they’ve renamed…THE LIFE STAR. They’ve painted it white, too, and it’s beautiful.

But of course, there are Sith extremists lead by Cillian Murphy who hijack THE LIFE STAR just as the crew finds a suitable planet in a distant galaxy with awesome resources. The planet is, of course, Earth, during the dinosaur times, and a huge battle ensues on its surface with Jedi riding actual dinosaurs while fighting Sith with lightsabers. (The Owen Wilson Jedi is like the comic relief Jar-Jar character here.) Tragically, the superlaser on THE LIFE STAR is reactivated, which ends up destroying all life on Earth. Wait—too much of a downer?

No, it’s okay! Because Leia and Han are there, too, and Leia is pregnant! And she goes into labor right before everything terrible happens. After the baby is born, Lando realizes that they can put the infant into carbonite, keeping the little boy safe for millions of years. Insanely, everyone agrees to this and Han and Leia’s baby is frozen in carbonite and buried in a cave.

Cut to 1898, and the same cavern is being excavated. We hear a baby crying and man says, “Dr. Jones, you have to come look! It’s a baby boy!” Then a totally CG-ed YOUNG Sean Connery (think Jeff Bridges in TRON: Legacy) steps in and holds the baby up.

“Hello, Junior…”

Cue Star Wars music with hints of Indiana Jones theme.

So, there you have it—just a few ideas to get the wheels a-turnin’. If you’ve got a best-case or worst-case scenario for the future of Star Wars, let us know in the comments!

Stubby the Rocket is the mascot of Stubby just needs to know where the send its headshot for Star Wars 7 casting.


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