Which of These Insane Sci-Fi Things Will Actually Happen at the Olympics?

Someone in control of the 2012 Olympics in London has almost certainly gone rogue and is throwing every British science fiction/fantasy element they can into the opening and closing ceremonies. Matt Smith of Doctor Who has already carried the Olympic Torch. Patrick Stewart carried it this week. The Spice Girls will reunite for the closing ceremonies. Liam Gallagher is doing a special version of “Wonderwall.”

Since the Olympics is going crazy with genre, we thought we’d join in the fun and put together a list of other things that they could do, along with a couple more things that they’re actually going through with.

  • Holograms! Holograms of John Lennon, Keith Moon, Ian Fleming, King George the First. And of course, a hologram of Elton John.
  • Wellies (that’s “rubber boots” or “galoshes” for everyone else) will be the official footware.
  • The entire closing ceremonies will consist of a giant haunted house done in the style of Downton Abbey. Visitors will experience first hand what it’s like to be a lower-class servant and also to be madly in love with Mr. Bates.
  • At the very end of the closing ceremonies, all the lights will go dark and King Arthur will emerge to pull the sword from the stone (winning the Gold for Britain. The end).
  • Pasties will be the only food available near the stadium, lovingly handmade by Helen Mirren and Prince Harry. You will only be able to buy them with shillings.
  • Benedict Cumberbatch agrees to marry everyone.
  • An army of Mary Poppins will emerge to fight back against a giant 40-foot Voldemort while a bunch of children pretend to be sick.
  • Sauron is defeated by Catherine Tate talking him to death.
  • Ian McKellen will perform his one-man show: I, Gandalf, Magneto, Iorek the Giant Talking Bear. (Followed by Martin Freeman’s Traveling to Middle-Earth in My Bathrobe With A Detective in Tow.)
  • All attendees will receive a free DVD of Love, Actually handed to them by Lily Allen.
  • Cruella De Vil and Captain Hook and Alice from Wonderland will dance, sure why not.
  • Winnie. The Pooh. Shakespeare. Daleks. ‘Nuff said.
  • MI5 reveals James Bond, Emma Peel, and Harry Potter are indeed and in fact all real people, but played by actors in movies and TV. The real Bond, Peel, and Potter take a bow together. Sean Connery is the only person who boos.

Stubby the Rocket is the voice and mascot of Tor.com. Stubby is planning do paint itself like the Union Jack and fly over the ceremonies singing “God Save the Queen.”


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