Six Weird Things We Probably Won’t See in Amazing Spider-Man

We’re spoiled now. Really, we are. Only 10 short years ago Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man debuted and kicked off a yearly wave of superhero movies that has yet to abate.

There are a bunch of obvious reasons the Raimi trilogy movies were awesome: good pacing, cool performances, and truly memorable scenes (upside down kissing!). But then there are the weirder things. Things that we really don’t expect to see from the upcoming Amazing Spider-Man flick but will kind of miss anyway.

 

1.) Deranged references to poetry

What rhymes with octopus?

What rhymes with octopus?

In Spider-Man 2, Alfred Molina’s Doc Ock gives Peter Parker some crap dating advice about “feeding women poetry.” (Then he kills his wife. His judgment… it is not the best.) We can’t really imagine a new incarnation of Otto giving out poetry recommendations and it’s unlikely the Lizard in the new film will be a big Keats scholar.

 

2.) Macy Gray

Hurry, Macy Gray! Use your powers!

Hurry, Macy Gray! Use your powers!

Macy Gray’s brief appearance in the film is not remotely significant to the plot or the marketing of Spider-Man, which makes it all the more hilarious to look back on. Why is she there? And why did they miss an opportunity to have Spidey save her from a giant falling balloon?

We look forward to Lana Del Rey’s inevitable cameo in Amazing Spider-Man.

 

3.) Jazz Dancing

Speaking of music, everyone loves to deride the jazz-dance sequence in Spider-Man 3, but the jazz dance stuff unfortunately fits the film way too well. At this point, the movie has actually lost its mind and gone completely off the rails, and here is the important scene where it admits that.

We can’t imagine what Andrew Garfield could do if Amazing Spider-Man turns out to be a huge, tonally dischordant mess. Maybe he could start pretending he’s a vampire?

 

4.) Omelet-Making

Yay, an omelet! Click to enlarge in all its glory.

Yay, an omelet! Click to enlarge in all its glory.

How do people discover they’re attracted to each other? They make omelets. Of course! Didn’t you know that? This is why dating isn’t going so well for you. The new Spider-Man movie better be at least 50% breakfast-making or we’re walking out of the theater.

 

5.) Willem Dafoe Yelling at Us in Mirrors

Do you think James Franco sees Willem Dafoe in every mirror he passes now?

Do you think James Franco sees Willem Dafoe in every mirror he passes now?

How awesome was Willem Dafoe’s cameo in Spider-Man 2? We could do with more of that and, frankly, we don’t understand why this footage hasn’t been used to promote the upcoming Avengers film.

 

6.) Bonesaw

We hear that in our dreams every night. We assume you do too.

The sudden passing of Macho Man Randy Savage last May now makes it impossible for Bonesaw to return, which makes us sad because we can’t imagine anyone who would be better at taunting Spider-Man.

 

You know, we never noticed it while watching the original Spider-Man trilogy, but all of these odds and ends lumped together make these movies look so weird in retrospect, much like the 1960s Batman TV series looks weird in comparison to today. Are we witnessing the birth of a camp classic here?


Stubby the Rocket is the voice and mascot of Tor.com and is a classic in its spare time.

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