Apparently the subtitle of this season was “Secrets Revealed.” I suppose that makes as much sense as anything.
Season three of The Clone Wars really didn’t pull its punches. Lots of episode arcs this time around, where three or four tied together to complete a single story. There was a lot more death in this season, and a pretty intense look into the political difficulties that lead to the fall of the Republic.
With that in mind, let’s get down to it.
Warning as per usual: This is a liveblog with lots of hyperbole and cursing sprinkled throughout, as it is a conveyance of my real-time reaction to things. If that’s not your jam, this might not be the liveblog you are looking for. (See what I did there?)
Star Wars: The Clone Wars—Season Three. I have eaten tacos and will continue this mighty journey, fortified.
Oo, we get to see clone training? I have always wanted this.
Whooooaa, 99, the janitor clone? That hurts.
Okay, the domino squad is adorable. Despite being incompetent.
Shaak Ti is on a Yoda level of inscrutability.
WHY MUST THEY SLEEP IN TUBES?
99 is going to make me cry.
Jerk bounty hunter not getting smacked for being such an ass. Shaak Ti let him off easy.
Someone please, go to Kamino and pick up 99 and take him somewhere he can be safe and feel special, PLEASE I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS.
Aw shit, here come the 501st, you got them mad....
Omg, I forgot, these timelines are so wonky, so in the next episode it’s been a long time [since “Clone Cadets”] and 99 finds out that Hevy is dead, wait, Show, you stop that, you cannot do that to me, you are a cartoon show. Show, you are very mean.
I feel like Obi-Wan says “Something’s not right” every episode.
Aaand Obi-Wan’s making friends with sea creatures. His thing with giant animals.
Wow, they’re just killing clones and clone babies left and right.
Oh no, Asajj, no kissing people you kill, that is one giant barrel of Not Okay. And Grievous, you need to back off, she is way crazier than you.
You guys better take care of my 99, or imma be so mad.
Ouch, Grievous just grabbed Obi-Wan BY THE FACE.
You know, this episode is practically all action sequences, and it’s all so well-conceived and clear and exciting.
DAMMIT I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA KILL HIM, I KNEW IT, SHOW, WE ARE HAVING STRONG WORDS, DO YOU HEAR ME? SIT IN THE CORNER AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE.
Evil Guys, you really need to stop sieging Ryloth. I think the Twi’leks have had enough.
Obi-Wan is like, “Bail, Bail, no you don’t understand. All we had was a Jar Jar. You have to go.”
It’s actually kind of awful; I mean, no other Gungan with better diplomacy skills wanted the Senate job? No one wants to let Jar Jar do anything because they shouldn’t, but the Gungans deserve a decent representative.
I’m actually really curious as to how this non-chronological set up worked for people. It’s super confusing to realize that this episode technically takes place before the very first [episode of the show]. The voiceovers at the start of each ep don’t make that clear.
Wait, so the plan is that everyone knows Jar Jar is whacko, so whatever distraction he enacts, no one would ever suspect him? I mean... sure.
Holy shit. So the Twi’leks got their aid, but not in time to save that Jedi and his clone troops. Freaking dark.
Sphere of Influence:
It’s the George Lucas alien?!!?
The Senate is kind of like British Parliament—they have no problem talking smack.
George Lucas’ alien family is super important in this episode...
“This is a job for the local police.” Really, Anakin? Really.
“I still can’t believe they let you teach.” No one can, Padmé. No one can.
GREEDO?!! George Lucas is ONTO YOU.
“They literally call (the Separatists) the fucking Confederacy.” —Kelsey
Haha, precision for Jedi Mind Tricks. That was excellent.
I love that they actually show Jabba as a single parent, since Hutts are supposed to be asexual [as in, asexually reproduce].
Awesome political move by lady senator. Stick it to the Trade Federation.
Uh-oh. Satine is back. Time for things to get complicated. Emotionally.
Mandalore parade for Padmé!
Kelsey, on seeing the crates of contraband brought to Mandalore: MOUNTAIN DEW, BABY. AW YEAH.
Costume changes in this episode are so pretty.
Someone please explain how the Trade Federation is allowed to make trade SO DIFFICULT.
Stealthy ladies... saving childrens....
“Impressive shooting... for a senator.” Dude, do you know who you’re talking to? Have you MET Padmé Amidala.
“Can you send me a Jedi now that we’ve bonded?” “Sure, I can send your boyfriend over as soon as he’s got a moment.”
Obi-Wan ruined it so hard, offworlders can’t carry weapons on Mandalore. No one is surprised.
Ahsoka, you had ONE JOB. ...apparently that boiled down to making the Mandalorian students into spies.
These kids are idiots.
Thank goodness Auntie Ahsoka is there to make it all better.
Weirdest holding cell ever.
We’re breaking out the shock collars? Are you kidding?
Anakin’s all, I’m fine. There’s just some... Padawan pride. In my eye.
Totally misread the title card of this one to say: The future has many paths—choose whiskey.
Creepy Aurra Sing prophetic dream. Ick.
Yes, Yoda. We know how big you are on future visions.
Ahsoka’s all, Padmé you’re in danger. Captain Typho’s like, Fuck again?
Okay, I know they are basically warrior monks, but the Jedi never have ANY luggage. They have no pajamas.
Aw, Padmé’s like my husband is your daddy—can I be your mama, Ahsoka?
PRINCESS LEIA THEME
I want “friend of the Jedi” to be a euphemism for “sleeping with the Jedi.”
No one here notices that Padmé is being played by a robot?
Blanche du Bois the Hutt got played by the old Prisoner’s Dilemma ploy.
3PO planning a diplomatic party. Be still my heart. It must make him SO HAPPY.
I need every episode of this show to be R2 and 3PO reverse-haggling Coruscant fruit vendors.
R2 wants a spa treatment and HE GOT 3PO KIDNAPPED, R2 THIS IS NOT YOUR BEST DAY.
He has literally been taken in by sexy robot ladies while his 3PO gets zapped and drilled by Cad Bane.
That 4-LOM lookalike shouting “murderer!” seriously freaked me out.
And R2 gave himself up to save his 3PO. Imma cry.
Anakin’s all, sorry, my bad, I probably should have just gotten the fruit myself. Yeah, bad husband.
HUTT CONSPIRACY. LET’S DO THIS.
I feel like Anakin is meaner to 3PO because he’s aware that he’s responsible for all of his weirdness.
Hunt for Ziro:
Blanche du Bois the Hutt is my favorite. Forever.
Crap, when Obi-Wan is calling another Jedi “crazy” with no qualifiers, you know you’re in trouble.
BURN OUT JEDI. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
This showgirl routine with the Hutt headdresses is amazing. Is that early days Sy Snoodles?
Wait, what is this couple?!!!!?1? How is this real? What is going on? I must be high right now.
Man, the fact that the Hutts are allies of the Republic and Jedi is messed. up.
Oh wow, Ziro’s mom. He’s borrowing the car from his mom, his mom is like Ursula the seawitch and the singing alligator from All Dogs Go to Heaven combined, I cannot.
Okay, or they don’t reproduce asexually? Because they are looking at his dead mummified dad, Hutts are mummified whaaaaaaa?
But! But no! No, WHY DID YOU KILL BLANCHE DU BOIS THE HUTT, YOU HEARTLESS—
Obi-Wan’s all, what? Two lightsabers. Not even trying.
“I never did enjoy hanging out with you.” Good pun, Obi-Wan. Good pun.
Heroes on Both Sides:
Watching while eating pizza—messiest option!
“The quagmire of war.” Oh yes.
Omg really? Deregulating banks and new lines of credit to prevent the war from bankrupting the Republic. DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR TO ANYONE?
Anakin’s like, Don’t try to make me stop war, Padmé. I like war.
Ahsoka: Wow, you and Anakin are kind of alike, no wonder you get along! Padmé: WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING WE ARE SUCH GREAT FRIENDS YEAH.
Yay, it’s a “let’s humanize the Separatists” episode!
Ahsoka is not cool with you checking her out. Do not be cute with Ahsoka.
Aaahahaha, “you’re a corporation, not a people.” Nice try Separatists. Keep plugging away at that one.
Oh Padmé. You and your Separatist friend tried.
Padmé’s like, I lost this one bigtime, but your Padawan doesn’t believe the war is all GoodVSEvil anymore, so I win this round with our closest-thing-we-have-to-an-offspring, Anakin.
Pursuit of Peace:
These Senate platforms should function like bumper cars, so they can bash each other when they disagree.
Bail Organa knows a cover-up when he sees one. And the Rodian senator tried for the cutest joke. Aw. <3
25% interest from the Banking Clan, ugh, this is so familiar and so terrible. And they beat up poor Ono.
Jerk Quarren senator.
Go Padmé! Steal that speeder! (Though how Count Dooku was going to explain that he had Anakin’s wife killed to Palpatine would have been hilarious.)
Bail, knows not to go into covered parking lots alone.
They were all, we need a dude to give this speech. Then Padmé’s aid was all, no Padmé, you got this. And she did. SO GOOD.
So saying “There is a disturbance in the Force,” is really just Palpatine’s way of saying, “I got some bad news.”
Of course Asajj likes Obi-Wan best, Anakin. He flirted with her.
You know, Ventress is constantly facing down two Jedi at once and hasn’t been killed yet. I feel like people should start being a little more afraid.
I heard the word DATHOMIR. Oh very YES.
WHUT ASAJJ IS A NIGHTSISTER YES THIS IS SO GOOD MAKES ALL THE SENSE, GOOD JOB SHOW.
They have the Water of Life? That’s just adorable.
Hm, this background is very confusing. She was given away to “protect the clan”? What, into slavery? Huh? To a guy? That’s not how Dathomir was supposed to work. And was she trained by an independent Jedi? Because it doesn’t seem like he was part of the Jedi Temple crowd.
That fight against Dooku did basically nothing. I’m guessing this is before the Dathomir quarantine too? That works.
Nightsisters are super not interested in your crusade, Dooku.
...Darth Maul was from Dathomir? No. Not a fan of that. Especially since the men of Dathomir were not supposed to be Force sensitive. Also it’s too convenient. Also, boo.
At least Asajj is running the show here. Taking out all the potentials.
No test with rancors? Dathomir is supposed to have rancors. Missed opportunity.
So they just ’roided that guy up. How is this going to help them?
Ugh, and now he’s gotta kill his brother/bestie/bf? Dark.
So I’m guessing that the point is that the Nightsisters are actually giving Force to these guys? Interesting? Of course, that means that Darth Maul needs explaining on that front.
I cannot get over that his name is Savage.
Witches of the Mist:
Obi-Wan just straight up called Savage an animal—is that fair?
Wow, Yoda, Mace, giving Obi-Wan flashbacks like that without starting that recording saying THIS IS NOT DARTH MAUL is sort of rude.
Oooookay, they explained Maul coming from Dathomir to my satisfaction. Way more sense. Better.
When Dooku trains his new apprentice by giving Yoda’s most famous lessons and you’re like *wince*
Nightsisters, playing the loooooong gaaaaaaame. *rocks out*
Just crushed the king of Toydaria’s trachea with the Force like it was something crumply.
ALL THE RED LIGHTSABERS.
Obi-Wan: We’ll take him together. Anakin: Right. (Translation: Not like the last time when I got my arm cut off, heh.)
Oh, I am not liking where this is gonna go for Savage.
WHUT. NO, DARTH MAUL. NO. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NIGHTSISTERS. WHY.
Red Doom Ship. (Probably from the Negative Zone?)
Obi-Wan immediately into weird alien lady. Obi-Wan, she’s not talking to you.
Her green hair is GIGANTIC.
AND THEN HE TURNED INTO A BAT?!??
Okay, so are they the personifications of each side of the Force? Can we really go there? That seems crazy.
OH MY GOD QUI-GON IS HERE. HE IS HERE. HE IS TALKING TO OBI-WAN.
I don’t think I’m okay. I was not OH GOD SHMI. STOP IT. NOT OKAY.
I mean, I think we’d all like to be able to grab a lightsaber by the blade.
Space yin yang!
So they’re giving Anakin the Spider-Man test? Great job guys.
So he was supposed to stay and look after that guy’s kids? Who are maybe personifications of the Force and/or real living beings? How was this not a part of the prophecy the Jedi had? How does this metaphor really help us out? Does that mean Anakin is not the Chosen One by refusing the guy? I HAVE LOTS OF QUESTIONS, THIS EPISODE IS USELESS.
Altar of Mortis:
Interesting. Evil Dark Side son wants to destroy both Jedi and Sith... which is exactly what happens, of course.
Guess we better go to the green eye of Sauron.
Thank goodness we’ve got some cheat codes to the evil brother.
Puts it in a really different perspective to know that Anakin has had his own Padawan fight him before turning around to fight his master.
Okay, so they killed the Light Side.
Does that mean that this is why Anakin’s turn is inevitable? Also, why didn’t they just TURN AROUND AND KNIFE THE GUY.
Also, really thought it was interesting how the dialogue in this episode vaguely echoes some of the most famous lines Vader gives.
Ghosts of Mortis:
Mechanic Ahsoka is my favorite.
Old Man, none of your decisions involving your kids make any sense. At all. You change your mind all the time.
YAY Qui-Gon is back.
the fact that Anakin thinks nothing of still calling Qui-Gon ’master’ kind of tells you everything you need to know in regard to Obi-Wan being his teacher.
Got some lava-shadowing going on.
Serious burden of dream knowledge. This seems like a problem.
Figured that knowledge was going to be erased. But it does basically make that whole ’what Anakin does *is* bringing balance to the Force,’ I’d say.
Man, and there’s some myth reversal going on there with father’s knowing their son’s are good and stuff.
So yeah, that totally confirms it. “You brought balance to this world.” By killing everybody. “You’ll do it again.” By killing everybody.
That. was so. MESSED UP.
I wish this Nexus route was the Nexus from Star Trek Generations.
R2 HAS HIS OWN SQUAD OF BATTLEDROIDS.
“Don’t you go thumbing your gears at me.” 3PO’s droid swears are the best.
They are being carbon frozen, what is going on. Whaaaaaaaat. You guys, you can’t do that, is not safe.
So that’s why Vader thought to use it. I kind of love that.
The Citadel is such a lovely place.
Obi-Wan has no sympathy for Anakin’s Padawan never listening to him. He’s just figures it’s about time Anakin share in his pain.
Then Ahsoka went in through the ventilation shaft and Kelsey and I both shuddered as our claustrophobia alarms went off.
Is that EV-9D9? Because that would make so much sense.
See? Somebody magnetized Anakin. Was wondering how long it was gonna take for someone to figure that out.
Is that TARKIN?
The Citadel warden is terrifying. I hope he dies soon.
Fortune cookie tag for this episode is “Anything that can go wrong will.” Thanks. Yeah, I needed that.
That clone just got cut IN HALF by a security door and they did not shield us from that at aaaalllll.
“How can you admire such a horrible place?” Because he’s an oily little weasel, Ahsoka. Do not make friends.
This is actually so interesting, because this whole arc is mirroring rescuing Leia from the Death Star in so many ways, but this time they’re rescuing a Jedi and Tarkin.
These are not good episodes for the clone troopers. Yikes.
Ew, no Anakin. No agreeing with Tarkin.
Aw, Echo. I’m sorry Echo.
Watching Anakin give Tarkin a piggyback ride is so surreal.
Aw, R2’s troops are dead. They had a good run.
We’ve been saving these alien bloodhounds for... a rainy day? Guys, if you break them out ahead of time... ugh, nevermind.
Obi-Wan’s is having none of Anakin’s latest infatuation.
Obi-Wan just Chuck Norris’d that alien bloodhound.
Ahsoka, now is not the time to stop taking responsibility.
“You have to get to this island for the rendezvous.” By which we mean you have to get to this random landmass in the middle of a lake of lava to get rescued.
Like THEY ARE IN THE KILLBOX, RHODEY SAID THIS IS WHERE YOU GO TO DIE IN IRON MAN 2, WHY ARE WE HERE.
Me: I want to hug Plo Koon. He seems cuddly. Kelsey: Yeah, I bet he’s really fucking cuddly.
This rescue is actually pretty boss.
Soundtrack for that episode was all over the place. There was a Lord of the Rings bit, and a Xena bit....
Well, crap. Ahsoka’s bagged.
Liking the peek into Trandoshan culture. Works real well.
They’re like Lost Boys, but they’re Jedi younglings. Only they don’t get to have any fun.
Suddenly Bossk and daddy Cradossk don’t seem so bad.
Oof. That was a nasty bait and switch. It was all victory over killing Jr. and then Jedi-Rufio gets it. Booooooo.
Plo Koon’s like Anakin, what I’m trying to say YOU’RE NOT ALL THAT, AHSOKA CAN DEAL.
Can I have one of those yellow monkey-bats?
OH MY GOD YOU FOUND CHEWIE.
The Wookiee Way!
Chewie is clearly the only reason Han had a working ship. Dude can MacGuyver luck out of his own singed fur and some mud.
Wookiee rescue! With the merc lady! Best of teamups!
Animated Chewie is awesome ’cause he can be so much more mobile than usual. Not to mention expressive.
Anakin’s still panicking over Ahsoka getting kidnapped, while Plo Koon’s waving from the corner all, “Yeah, not surprised to see you.”
Smiley Yoda is the best way to end a season, methinks.
Season 4—why do I have the feeling it is going to be sadder?