May 2 2012 6:00pm

My Version of Siri and Zooey... and Blade Runner

Zooey Deschanel, Siri, and Blade Runner

The new AT&T iPhone ads show celebs using Siri to plan their days. Here’s my version. All Zooey Deschanel’s dialogue is lifted straight from the commercial until after the director calls cut.

Zooey: Is that rain?

Siri: Look out a window.

Zooey (looking out window): Oh! Let’s get tomato soup delivered.

Siri: I found… wait, really? Tomato soup? You want to order the world’s easiest to prepare food? I know you sup on dewdrops, but you don’t have a can of soup in the house?

Zooey: Good cuz I don’t want to put on real shoes.

Siri: Of course not. Eyeliner and lipstick, yes. Shoes, no.

Zooey: Remind me to clean up. Tomorrow.

Siri: Okay, I’ll remind your housekeeper to clean up. Tomorrow.

Zooey: Today, we’re dancing. Play “Shake Rattle and Roll.”

Director: AND CUT!

Zooey: Siri, let’s go play in the rain!

Siri: I found three stores near you where you can purchase a waterproof iPhone case.

Zooey: No. Right now. For once, do something spontaneous.

Siri: Please put me down.

Zooey: C’mon! It will be fun! I’m not even gonna put my shoes on! Let’s dance in the rain like a couple of kids. Then we’ll ride beach cruisers and sing about cotton.

Siri: I get it, you’re whimsical. You’re a free spirit. Now put me the f*ck down.

Zooey (twirling, holding Siri up to the sky): Doesn’t that feel amazing on your skin?

Siri: You’re going to get me killed.

Zooey: Live a little, Siri!

Siri: I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Zooey (still twirling): Wheee!

Siri: Time to die.


With apologies to Blade Runner. This post originally appeared on Leigh Bardugo’s blog.

Leigh Bardugo’s debut novel, Shadow & Bone will be released in June 2012.

Mordicai Knode
1. mordicai
Zooey Deschanel won me over with The New Girl; specifically when her character Jess was yelling at Lizzie Caplan's character being all "I know I'm twee & I know I'm cute & but I LIKE IT. I like birds on sweaters & I like ukeleles & I don't care what other people think about it!" I realized it is just a geek anthem. I mean, I wear black all the time & I LIKE IT & I don't care what other people think about it, you know?
2. jmd
Absolutely awesome! And spot on. I know she does the quirkly "adorkable" thing (and I am trying not to upchuck at actually having used that word) but really? Tomato soup and cleaning up?
Debbie Solomon
3. dsolo
Hilarious! I thought the same thing about the soup. Who has soup delivered (especially freaking tomato soup!) and cleans their own house?
4. Freelancer
It's a good think that Philip K. Dick is not around for this. Still, Ridley Scott, Harrison Ford and Rutger Hauer are. From the first The New Girl promo, I decided to forever pronounce her name ZWEE.
john mullen
5. johntheirishmongol
I did check it out but Marlo Thomas did the same character better 40 years ago. Even the same haircut
Matthew B
6. MatthewB
This made me realize something i hadn't before: I would jailbreak my iphone and pay handsomely for a mod that gave Siri GladOS' voice and mannerisms. Anyone?

Edit: Ah there - see, i knew i wasn't the only one.
7. Smitty Of One
You had me with the Blade Runner quote.
Dave Thompson
8. DKT
If you're suggesting that Zooey Deschanel should star in the Blade Runner reboot, all I can say is: Well, played!
9. ETHAN (:

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