The new AT&T iPhone ads show celebs using Siri to plan their days. Here’s my version. All Zooey Deschanel’s dialogue is lifted straight from the commercial until after the director calls cut.
Zooey: Is that rain?
Siri: Look out a window.
Zooey (looking out window): Oh! Let’s get tomato soup delivered.
Siri: I found… wait, really? Tomato soup? You want to order the world’s easiest to prepare food? I know you sup on dewdrops, but you don’t have a can of soup in the house?
Zooey: Good cuz I don’t want to put on real shoes.
Siri: Of course not. Eyeliner and lipstick, yes. Shoes, no.
Zooey: Remind me to clean up. Tomorrow.
Siri: Okay, I’ll remind your housekeeper to clean up. Tomorrow.
Zooey: Today, we’re dancing. Play “Shake Rattle and Roll.”
Director: AND CUT!
Zooey: Siri, let’s go play in the rain!
Siri: I found three stores near you where you can purchase a waterproof iPhone case.
Zooey: No. Right now. For once, do something spontaneous.
Siri: Please put me down.
Zooey: C’mon! It will be fun! I’m not even gonna put my shoes on! Let’s dance in the rain like a couple of kids. Then we’ll ride beach cruisers and sing about cotton.
Siri: I get it, you’re whimsical. You’re a free spirit. Now put me the f*ck down.
Zooey (twirling, holding Siri up to the sky): Doesn’t that feel amazing on your skin?
Siri: You’re going to get me killed.
Zooey: Live a little, Siri!
Siri: I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
Zooey (still twirling): Wheee!
Siri: Time to die.
With apologies to Blade Runner. This post originally appeared on Leigh Bardugo’s blog.
Leigh Bardugo’s debut novel, Shadow & Bone will be released in June 2012.