Wed
May 13 2009 4:02pm

Enter our Naughty Apocalypse contest for free burlesque tickets and post-apocalyptic fiction!

 
 

Last week we told you about Pinchbottom Burlesque’s newest science fiction show, “THE MORNING AFTER: Post-Apocalyptic Burlesque,” which will take place on Saturday, May 16 at 10:30 p.m. at the Bleecker Street Theater in New York. Our primary source of information about the show is the following garbled dispatch from the future, which has been decoded as follows:

INCOMING - FINAL TRANSMISSION FROM EARTH ... it is THE MORNING AFTER the apocalypse ... A small band of burlesque performers, under the leadership of Nasty Canasta, has survived .... but “Protector” Jonny Porkpie’s provisional government has banned all forms of nakedness and forced us to become outcasts in a world we never made ... we are attempting to rebuild society the only way we can: by taking off our clothes ... if anyone out there still believes in the principles of truth, justice, and striptease, find us ... find us now ... the future nudity of humanity is at stake ... find zzzzzzzzxqz .... MESSAGE INTERRUPTED

In order to cultivate a finer appreciation for dystopia (and nudity) among Tor.com’s readers, Pinchbottom kindly offered us a pair of tickets to give away, and John Joseph Adams is sweetening the pot with a copy of his Night Shade Books anthology Wastelands: Stories of the Apocalypse.

But such cool prizes must exact a toll, so we're asking our readers to shock and amuse us with naughty puns based on titles or famous lines from dystopic or post-apocalyptic cultural artifacts.

We realize that “naughty pun” is not exactly a technical term, so we encourage you to use your imagination about how to interpret it. But we will throw you a bone and start you off with two examples from Tor.com’s own Steven Padnick: Mad Max: Beyond Thunder Thighs and “A Boy and His Doggie-Style.” For the next 24 hours, try your best to come up with entries as good as or better than those, and then the Tor.com team, Porkpie&Nasty, and JJA will put our heads together and pick our favorites.

One important caveat: since the bulk of this prize is a set of tickets to a live event in Manhattan, we’re going to have to pick the winner from among people who can actually attend said event. However, we don’t want to hamper our community’s creativity, so we’re going to accept non-competing entries from anyone who wants to play. Consequently: if you are a local who can (and wants to) come to the show, please tag your entries with #local. If you’re just punning for fun, please give your comments the #remote tag. Any entries that are not tagged will be presumed to be non-competing.

And now, the aforementioned legal mumbo-jumbo:

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. A PURCHASE DOES NOT INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING. To participate in the “Naughty Apocalypse” contest, leave a comment including a caption for the posted image in the comments section below, beginning Wednesday, 13 May, 2009 and ending on Thursday, 14 May, 2009. Winners will be selected on the basis of originality, humor and creativity, each factor applied equally. Open to registered users of Tor.com who are legal U.S. residents 18 years of age and older. Void in Puerto Rico and where prohibited by law. For complete Official Rules, go here. Sponsor: Tor.com, a division of Macmillan, 175 5th Avenue, New York, NY 10010.

Got it? Good. Ready…set…pun!

91 comments
Brian Slattery
1. brianslattery
#remote

A Testicle for Leibowitz.

Too easy, I know.
Richard Fife
2. R.Fife
#remote
First thing that popped into my head:
Reign of Firecrotch

And, for John in partic:
The Last of the O-gasms.

And, for Liz:
I, Sexbot.

BTW, loving that Wastelands book, its good stuff. Good luck to you locals.

EDIT: added one for Liz too.
Dru O'Higgins
3. bellman
#remote

R.Fife, you could also use Dies the Firecrotch.
Carol Pinchefsky
4. Carol Pinchefsky
Your Mom Is a Harsh Mistress.
Eugene Myers
5. ecmyers
Oh! Better get mine in before someone else comes up with them:

Spanking 12 Monkeys

and

Getting Some Handmaid's Tail
Adam Lipkin
6. yendi
#remote

The Handjob's Tale

(Also, although I realize it's boilerplate, I'm vaguely amused to see that a contest limited to NYC locals is also explicitly void in Puerto Rico.)
Adam Lipkin
7. yendi
Ecmyers -- nice timing! I was writing my comment as you were posting yours. :-)
Torie Atkinson
12. Torie
# totally not eligible

A Deepness In This Guy
The Loins My Destination
The Left Hand of Fisting
Journey to the Center of my Girth

Time Enough For Love (no alternations necessary)
Torie Atkinson
13. Torie
@ 2 R.Fife

Please make new comments rather than editing the previous ones.
Richard Fife
14. R.Fife
@13 Torie
sowwi.

And "Journey" actually had me truly "LOL"ing. Well played, ma'am. Well played.
Carol Pinchefsky
15. Emz0r
#local

@12 Torie, "A Deepness In This Guy" made me snarf.

The Rift... in my pants
Lucifer's Hammer... in my pants
I am Legend ... in *your* pants
Pablo Defendini
16. pablodefendini
#not eligible

Going Down on the Magic Kingdom
The Cumfusion
Do Androids Wet Dream of Electric Sheep
Old Man's Wang
Richard Fife
17. R.Fife
#still very far away

@16:
"Dave, will I wet dream?"
Carol Pinchefsky
18. intango
#local

Do Androids Wet Dream of Electric Peep?
or Blade Rimmer

The 27B(razilian) Strokes 6
Carol Pinchefsky
19. intango
(oops, sorry @pablodefendini #16, reload not my friend)
Dru O'Higgins
20. bellman
#remote

And that classic children's trilogy:

The Wet Mounted's
The City of Hold my Head
The Tool of Hire

I feel so very dirty.
Pablo Defendini
21. pablodefendini
@19
I like yours better. Besides, since I'm not eligible for the contest, I don't matter.
Carol Pinchefsky
22. KHeller
Pretty sure I'm not eligible either, but my contribution is:

To Say Nothing of the Dong
Carol Pinchefsky
23. TimWalters
#remote

Apollo 69
Carol Pinchefsky
24. annamariah
@15
Lucifer's Hammer is filthy enough...

#local

Deus Sex
Rollerballing
Sea of Ass
The Shape of Things that Cum
Carol Pinchefsky
25. MikeyB
#local

1. Stranger In a Stranger
2. A Cockwork Orange
3. The Time Traveler's Wife and the Handyman
4. 20,000 Bodies Under the Sea
5. Lucifer's Tool
6. Have Space Suit - Will Strip
7. Lay Station

I posted before but it is not showing up... :(
Torie Atkinson
26. Torie
@ 25

Alternately, Stranger in a Strange Man
David Siegel
27. bigscary
#local

Her Parts My Destination
Midnight Rubber
Sethra Layvode
Gormengasp
The Brown-Eye of the World
The Great Cunt
The Dragon Read Porn
The Shadow Writhing (in Pleasure)

Lord of K-Y
Go Down with Swords
The Path to Bang-Her
Winter's Hump
...I'm done...
Steven Padnick
28. padnick
#NOT MINE:

Rendezvous with Mama

Bangers in Spain

Perdildo Street Station

The Sex Toys of the Torturer

And

Poon (by Frank Herbert)
Dru O'Higgins
29. bellman
#27

You forgot the Cross-swords of Delight.
Carol Pinchefsky
31. rachael2z
#remote

The Forever Whore
Your Pants My Destination
Rendezvous with YourMama
The Loins of Al-Rassan
The Lord of the Cockrings
The Cumslinger
Carol Pinchefsky
32. Alvin Q. Dee
Jam It in the Apes (1968)
Beneath the Penis of an Ape (1970)
Let's Rape the Planet of the Apes (1971)
Flaunt Breasts on the Planet of the Apes (1972)
Battle for the Tanned Slit of an Ape (1973)
Carol Pinchefsky
33. Carol Pinchefsky
#remote

Your Mom Is a Harsh Mistress
Carol Pinchefsky
34. Carol Pinchefsky
Yet another resend...(sigh)

#local

Your Mom Is a Harsh Mistress
Carol Pinchefsky
35. Ken St. Andre
#remote Naked Lunch in the Ruins
Carol Pinchefsky
36. Jared Gniewek
#local

The Pizzaman
Carol Pinchefsky
37. annamariah
#local

I Have a Mouth and I Must Suck
Theresa DeLucci
38. theresa_delucci
#not eligible

China Mountain Wang
All Tomorrow's Gangbangs
Cum Un Lun Dun
Stranger Things Happen (in Bed)
Carol Pinchefsky
39. Alvin Q. D
Whoops, forgot tag:

#local

Jam It in the Apes (1968)
Beneath the Penis of an Ape (1970)
Let's Rape the Planet of the Apes (1971)
Flaunt Breasts on the Planet of the Apes (1972)
Battle for the Tanned Slit of an Ape (1973)
Luis Milan
40. LuisMilan
#not eligible

Fahrenheit 4-69
Brave Nude World
The Reality Dick's Function
Something Wicked This Way Cums
SnowBallCrash
SoilHer Green
John Joseph Adams
41. johnjosephadams
I'll just throw it out there, since this had occurred to me independently of this contest (for which I'm #NOT ELIGIBLE)...

When I saw Alan Campbell's new novel, The God of Clocks, I did a double-take, because I thought it said The God of Cocks.
Pablo Defendini
42. pablodefendini
The Dicks, Possessed, by LeGuin
The Lust Colony, by Scalzi
Ender's Gay, by Card

still #not eligible but damn, is this fun.
Richard Fife
43. R.Fife
#just here for fun
Snowball Crash, by Stephenson
Joshua Starr
44. JStarr
The One-Night Stand
"The Rising"
The Steamspunk Trilogy
Consider Frottage

Winner of the Pulitzer Prize:
The Load

And the illuminating duology:
Parable of the Grower &
Parable of the Shower

# just for fun
Carol Pinchefsky
45. rachael2z
Cameltoe by Elizabeth Bear
Gettinsome Strange & Mastering Oral by Susanna Clarke
The Ass Man's Rear by Pat Rothfuss
The Weddingtackle's Guide to Her Chastity
THe Sorcerer's Bone
J.D. Finch
46. jdfinch
#remote

The Bitchliker's Guide To My Gal's Ass, See?
Alas, Boobylon
Gather, Dickness
The Piddle Of My Tower
When The Wacker Sleeps
On The Bitch
Crotchhmen
Carol Pinchefsky
47. HAP1824
#remote

How about:

Humper
The Arse My Destination
Slingworld

and of course the classic

The Dragonriders of Pern
Paul Eisenberg
48. HelmHammerhand
#remote (though I would love to win the book)


Anthough non-apocolyptic, I submit:

"Muffdiver" (Brin)
"Silvercock" (Myers-Myers)
and of course...
"Soldier in my Fist" (Wolfe)
Carol Pinchefsky
49. J Crowley
Flow My Jizz, The Policeman Said
Carol Pinchefsky
50. J Crowley
Er, put a #local on that. Sorry, forgot to include it in all the excitement.
Carol Pinchefsky
51. J Crowley
V for Vagina
Logan's Rump
I, Blowbot
28 Gays Later
Battlefield Girth
Planet of the Rapes
Inherface
The Man Who Raped
Silent Cumming
Watersportsworld
Cleft Behind
AEon Fucks

#local
Carol Pinchefsky
53. w.i.n
#remote

Germinator: Salivation
Had Max
Stalk Her (Roadside Picnic)
A Scammer Darkly
Udik
SeXistenZ

...and, finally:
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (no pun neccessary ;))
Tim Moore
54. serendipity
#remote

Crystalstain by Buckell

Old Man's Whore by Scalzi

Cock Dodgers in the 25th Century

Strange New Wood
Carol Pinchefsky
55. sidpcobain
#remote

Up Starship Poopers
Childhood's Sweet Rear End
To Your Scattered Bodies Blow
Midnight At The Well Of Whores
Rimjob World
20,000 Legs Beneath the Sheets
"Feel me up, Scotty!"
The Pussy Masters
Holly Wood In Mendoza
Pudkayne of Mars
Foundation's Bitch
Hoggleg, By Delany
A Talent For Porn
The May Tricks
The Undiscovered Cunt Tree
Lost In Faith's...(pick yer pleasure)
Beetle's Juice
Spaceman Cum, Homme
Down In the Black Gang Bang
The Long Dong of Gil Hamilton
The Spunk In God's Eye
Rendezvous and Ram Her

...
Pablo Defendini
56. pablodefendini
Hm. I can't believe it took 54 comments to get to "Old Man's Whore".
Carol Pinchefsky
57. Carol Pinchefsky
#local

Carpe Frenulum
Carol Pinchefsky
58. Andrew Wheeler
I don't think these have been used yet, and I am pretty #local...

The Uplift-and-Separate War
Atlas Snogged
Robert Harris's Fuck-her-land
Do Sexbots Dream of Electric Dicks?

"It was a bright cold day in April, and the cocks numbered thirteen."

Nakedness is Clothing.
Fucking is Chastity.
Bondage is Freedom.

"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a cock plunging into a pussy--forever."

"Two men enter, one woman come."
Liz Gorinsky
59. TooMuchExposition
Dude, these are awesome beyond my wildest dreams. Just wanted to let everyone know that there's a bit less than four hours left before we start judging. Get your perv on!
Carol Pinchefsky
60. Debra Owens
#local

The World Jones Laid
The Girl Who Boned a City
The Gate to Women's Cunties
Farnham's Peehole
The Man in the Dry Asshole
I Have No Pants, and I Must Cream
Carol Pinchefsky
61. Chris Sorensen
Night of the Loving Dead
The Lay After Tomorrow
The Osmegma Man
Carol Pinchefsky
63. EEE

#local


A Boy and His Cock (starring a young Don Johnson!)

2010: the year we make whoopie.

The Matrix: Unloaded

Sexrace 2000

Logan's Fun

Minority Sexwhore

SEX 1138

The Day the Cock Stood Still

Sex Headroom

Resident Penis

Johnny Mnecockic

Escape from New Spurk (this is legit, check your urban dict.)


Carol Pinchefsky
74. Salmon Oyster
#local



Bender's Game by Aborson Snot Card

Gottacum directed by Andrew's Pickle

The Meet Tricks Trilogy directed by the Jackoffski Brothers

Mad Tampax 2: The Chode Warrior starring Felch Lips-in

Fahrenheit 69 by Gay Nadbury

Clitonomicon by Neal Stiff-in-son

Bone-a Lisa's Overdrive by William Fist-in

Blow my Rear, The Policeman Said by Fill-up Gay Dick


The competition's fierce!
Carol Pinchefsky
75. EEE
#local
Busted Cherry 2000
Carol Pinchefsky
76. EEE
#local
Mad Cocks
Mad Cocks II: The Pussy Warrior
Mad Cocks III: Beyond ThongerDome
(apologies to Mr. Padnick for touching his territory)
Carol Pinchefsky
77. EEE
#local
the man who fell to BBW.
Carol Pinchefsky
78. Isaac Jackimov
Clitu barada Lickto!

#local
Carol Pinchefsky
79. EEE
#local
Equi-let'sgetiton-brium
Carol Pinchefsky
80. EEE
#local
I, Blowupdoll.
Carol Pinchefsky
81. EEE
#local
Nineteen Ate-Her-Out.
Carol Pinchefsky
82. EEE
#local
Artificial Impregnatence.
Carol Pinchefsky
83. EEE
#local
War of the Pearl Necklaces.
Carol Pinchefsky
84. Mr. Spunk
"Lick long and Cock-her"

#local
Torie Atkinson
85. Torie
EEE:

Please don't make separate posts for each entry! My comment to R.Fife simply meant don't go back and edit an old post to add if someone else has posted after you, because no one will notice. But you can submit more than one at once in one post.
Carol Pinchefsky
86. EEE
#local
Cock City (1998, Sutherland, Connely).
Carol Pinchefsky
87. EEE
#local
Torie, got it, sry.

Last batch:


Total Feelballs.

Fahrenheit Give-Me-Your-Cum.

Sextropolis.

Planet of the Maybe-Bestiality-Is-OK-After-All-As-Long-As-It's-With-English-Speaking-Primates.

City of Lost Horndogs.

RoboCock.

Ghost in the Vagina.

Serenity, after she takes the cab fare on top of the dresser and the door locks behind her.

12 Monkeys, or whatever they were, since there was blow and acid involved.

Sleeper 2: We invented an Orgasmatron. Wanna try it out?

OK, OK, good luck to all.
Carol Pinchefsky
88. Margaret M.
#local

Deep Impact*
Armageddon It On

*It really doesn't need to be changed, does it?
Liz Gorinsky
89. TooMuchExposition
Oh, man. It's 3:03, so I think we need to stop reading entries so we can award some prizes. You can feel free to keep posting (awesome) Naughty Puns, but after this point we will not be considering them as contest entries. Thanks for everyone's contributions!
Carol Pinchefsky
90. ~PP
#local



Gangbangs: Stories Of A Lotta Cocks

Firefuck

Poonday

I Wanna Cock Now

"The nudity!!!"
David Dudley
91. Warspoon
I hope EEE wins with:

"Planet of the Maybe-Bestiality-Is-OK-After-All-As-Long-As-It's-With-English-Speaking-Primates"

Hilarious.
David Dudley
92. Warspoon
"The Beast in the Cave" by H.P. Loveshaft (21 April 1905)

I know, I know, the contest is over. I can't help it if I'm a latecummer latecomer!
Carol Pinchefsky
93. mimi destiny
#local

The Last Event Horizon....a view beyond Porkpie's crack.
Where no man has gone before- (I think They have already done this one)
Incubator masterbater
The bane of the Tribbles
View of Saturn's Uranius.
The Boobulator....gone terminator
Attack of Mothra v.s. Godzilla


I was thinking of titles to possible scenes for Porpie's Show.
Carol Pinchefsky
94. EEE


Star Sex: The Motion Picture
Star Sex II: The Wrath of Cock
Star Sex III: The Search for Cock
Star Sex IV: The Voyage Cum
Star Sex V: "Hey Shawty, Cum Here"
Star Sex VI: Sperminations
Star Trek VII: oh, you get the idea.
Richard Fife
95. R.Fife
@94
Wouldn't 6 be The Undiscovered Cuntry?

Although, never thought of Star Trek as Post Apocolyptic or Dystopian.
Carol Pinchefsky
96. J Crowley
@63: I think "A Boy and His Dong" works better.
Carol Pinchefsky
97. Ann Zakaluk
# Local
Hmm.. my previous post got deleted.

Herman Ate 'er (out)

Herman Ate 'er Sister Too: Judgment Day

Herman Ate 'er And Three Others: Thighs Filled With Machines

Herman Ate 'er And Found Out She Was Really A Post-Op Transexual: The Sarah Conner Testicles
Carol Pinchefsky
98. Sonia8338
Classics such as:
Whore of the Worlds
The "Lay" of Heaven
Carol Pinchefsky
99. EEE
VI = cuntry, yes!
(sauteeing in quiet shame)
Carol Pinchefsky
100. J Crowley
Personally, I'm fondest of Sperminator for anything in the Terminator line.

Sperminator 3: Rise of the Machines (The machines are my penis.)
Sperminator Salivation
Sperminator: The Sarah Connor Testicles
Carol Pinchefsky
101. Khyros
#local

Babe Rubber (Based on: Do Androids Cream in Electric Sheep?)
Carol Pinchefsky
102. Jan Marie
It just doesn’t get any better than seeing the gorgeous “Mrs. Anita Pelaez” over at her and her Famous Husband “Captain Kutchie’s” place..Some Folks Also Call Him..”The KutchMan others call him The KutchMon!”…Most Just Call Him “The Most Interesting Man In The World”….(Anita and Kutchie Pelaez’s Key West, Key Lime Pie Factory and Grill)…Just Watching The Lovely Couple Baking Together All Those Yummy Key Lime Pies At Their Key Lime Pie Factory And Grill In Asheville. …It’s Always Worth The Trip To Visit Them In They’re Historic Key Lime Pie Factory and Grill…It Should Be On Everyone’s Bucket List For Sure..And The World’s Best Key Lime Pies!..YUM-YUM-YUM….­­.”Talk About World Class” What An Understatement!…….AA­­HHHHH!….The Magic Of The Lovely..”Mrs. Anita Pelaez” And Her Delicious Key Lime Pies Baked With Pure Love…Always……40 Years And They’re Still Going Strong…. ….May GOD Continue Blessing “Anita And Kutchie Pelaez” and They’re World Famous Key Lime Pie Factory And Grill Where The Personalities, Ovens And Smiles Are Always Warm And Inviting. ....“Kutcharitaville” You’re The Best And We Love You!…. …Now You Know Who Is The Hottest!…And Baby Let Me Tell You, Mrs. Anita Is No Act…She’s The Real Thing Baby!… ….Located Near The Biltmore House And Estate….. ….Who Could Ask For Anything More?…Anita’s Key Lime Pie…(Hell Yes!) ….Just Think, Kutchie’s Goody Goody Cheese Burgers, First Billed As “The Original Cheese Burgers In Paradise!” Way Back In 1974 By "Kutchie's Good Friend "Mr Levi Stubbs" Lead Singer Of The Four Tops…."Sorry “Buffett”…Kutchie’s Version Of “Cheese Burgers In Paradise” Came A Few Years Before Yours Did, “Dog Ate Your Home-Work?"!!...Yeah, Jimmy, It's The Same Kutchie Pelaez, -The Famous Deep Sea Underwater And Treasure Explorer/Megalodon Shark Tooth Hunter. Who Worked Along With "Mel Fisher", "Captain Tony Tarracino", "Yankee Jack", "Michael McCloud", "Alabama Jack" , "Vito Bertucci" and Many Others Of Key West Fame. ….That Alone Is Quite A Pretty Big Deal If You Ask Me. ….”Hell”,..It’s A Pretty Big Deal Even If You Don’t Ask Me. ….Research, Continually Confirms The Fact That The Pelaez’s World Famous Key Lime Pies Truly Increases Married Couple’s Sex Rates By No Less Than 300% Respectively. It Also Shows That Said Sexual Encounters Are Much, Much More Enjoyable Than They Ever Were Before The Consumption Of The Pelaez’s Key Lime Pies. …..And On A Sad Note. It Has Been Reported That The Consumption Of The Famous Key Lime Pies Are Quite Detrimental To The Practices Of Divorce Attorneys. But, That’s Not Bad. Hell That’s Good News. …Not A Sad Note, A Happy Note! The Pelaez’s Pies Are A Win-Win-Win For Everyone Involved! ….I Guess You Could Say What Has Been Said Many Times Before,…”AHHH” The Magic Of The Lovely Anita Pelaez And Her Key Lime Pies…. ….I Do Know First Hand That The Pelaez’s Famous Key Lime Pies Have The Ability To Turn Small Stream Squirters Into Major League Gushers Or Some Might Call Them “Niagara Falls”. Holly Molly, Let Those Good Times Flow, Baby! ....It's No Wonder Everyone Believes That Kutchie Pelaez Is The Most Interesting Man In The World....."Damn He Really Is" For Sure!

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