Here’s Everything the New Harry Potter Story Reveals

J.K. Rowling has given quite a bit of information on the futures of the chosen generation that defeated Voldemort, but Rita Skeeter’s recently released gossip column on Pottermore has more to reveal. Interestingly, Rowling has gotten a bit more specific in her timeline, giving us a better idea of where the gang are. (Currently. This year. In 2014. Sorry, that’s a bit exciting.)

Full rundown ahead!

Though we had been informed before Rowling’s July 8th short story that Harry and Ron became Aurors following school, it turns out that Ron left the program a mere two years later to help run Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes with George. Skeeter’s speculation runs wild here (she spends the entire piece defaming everyone’s character and appearance—Ron’s hair is thinning, apparently), but this is an interesting twist from what Rowling had suggested before. Perhaps Ron realized a life of constant danger really wasn’t for him. Or perhaps he wanted to focus more on his own family, considering the loss of his brother.

Hermione is busy winning the wizarding world with her skills. As of 2014, she is current Deputy Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and we know she goes on to revolutionize wizard law. Hermione for Minister of Magic, right? Just a couple decades away, I am betting you anything. They would be idiots not to.

We find out that Percy is running the Department of Magical Transportation, certainly a step down from the Minister of Magic position that he had hoped to achieve in his youth, though not a bad position in itself. Charlie is still out there chasing dragons, and Skeeter makes a jibe at his being single. Is this Rowling’s sly way of indicating that Charlie is gay? Because that would be awesome.

Ginny has retired from her career as Quidditch player by now and is reporting on the Cup, of course. Skeeter mentions that Harry has sons Albus and James in tow, but makes no mention of daughter Lily. Is she tagging along with mom and a junior press badge? Most adorable field trip with a parent ever.

Remember how Rowling told us that Neville married Hannah Abbott, who became the owner of the Leaky Cauldron? Well, it would seem that the pair have decided that Neville’s commute to work from the rooms above the pub was wearing thin. Hannah has trained as a Healer and seems to be angling for a job alongside her Herbology professor—as the Matron at Hogwarts, presumably taking over for Madame Pomfrey. Skeeter makes a crack about them consuming lots of firewhiskey on their off-hours. It’s probably mean slander, but I dearly hope it’s true because drinking competitions with Professor Longbottom sound like the best post-graduation gift a student could ask for.

Luna makes an appearance alongside friends with her husband Rolf, though her twin boys are left at home. Her fashion sense is as fabulous as ever; she’s wearing a set of robes comprised of sixteen country flags. Rolf is described as “swarthy,” so we can rest easy that Luna essentially married a pirate. He’s the grandson of Newt Scamander, so this works out logically enough.

Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley’s relationship is brought up again, so we can assume this couple was intended to last in Rowling’s mind. Skeeter gives the young couple a pretty hard time for all their snogging, but Teddy Lupin has bright blue hair and probably a troublemaking streak that he’s inherited from both parents, so how could we blame Victoire for being smitten?

Dear Harry’s starting to go a little gray and apparently just came out of a fight with some nasty people—he’s got a cut on his cheek. He and Viktor Krum are still good friends, and Harry brings his boys to meet him in the players’ compound. Skeeter continues to be furious that Harry’s friends and family won’t divulge more information on the Boy Who Is Living, but she’s about to get her revenge; she’s written a biography on the crew—Dumbledore’s Army: The Dark Side of the Demob.

And it’s set to come out on Harry’s birthday this month.

You know, Skeeter…the Deputy Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement knows you’re an unregistered Animagus…

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