Members of the newly-formed Troll Anti-Defamation Alliance held a press conference this week to protest the continued usage of the term “troll” to denote a person guilty of posting deliberately provocative messages, unsubstantiated accusations, and malicious ad hominem attacks on message boards, forums, newsgroups and other online communities. Speaking from the solemn Trollkyrka in Tiveden, Sweden (legendary site of ancient pagan human sacrifice, currently the site of a large Ikea warehouse and shipping depot), a diverse group of Trolls from across Scandinavia and Northern Europe gathered together to announce the official launch of a new outreach initiative aimed at salvaging and recuperating the tarnished image of Trolldom.
A large, fearsome-looking Norse Storm Troll dressed in a stylish Armani suit, horned helmet and necklace of human finger-bones offered the following opening statement:
Once upon a time, there existed an understanding between trolls and humans. Sometimes a particularly clever mortal would trick us out of our carefully-horded gold, and sometimes we would crush your skulls, then use your bones to pick our teeth. It was a natural give-and-take. At times, Trolls have even been worshipped and adored by your strange, fickle culture. Remember the Moomin Boom of the Nineties? No? Okay, then what of the adorable Troll Dolls, with hair of many bright and magical hues, who frolicked besides your precious ‘Barbies’ and your ‘G.I. Joes’ and rode majestically atop the pens and pencils of your children?
Alas, those days are gone. For the last two decades1, our proud and ancient race of mythical beings has been viciously slandered, our once-noble name dragged through the worst filth imaginable, becoming a byword for the lowest and most utterly despised of your kind.