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Flora Spoils

Child Unleashes Monster at End of Book

Dunwitch, Mass—Despite the numerous binding spells in place, 6 year old Bobby (not his real name) let loose an arcane beast that had for many years lay trapped in a tome. The cunning creature, known by the unpronounceable eldritch name of “Grover” broke the fourth wall repeatedly and used reverse psychology to coax the child into turning page after page, breaking barrier after mystical barrier. The boy’s innocence and youthful feeling of invulnerability surmounted the power of the spells. Bobby is currently in protective custody in the pediatric wing of Arkham Sanitarium.

True Facts of the Science! #5

Dr. Raijo Taiso of the Tokyo Institute for Linguology has discovered a new taste. In addition to salty, sweet, sour, bitter and unagi (fresh water eel), Dr. Taiso found several clusters of previously unknown papillae. Dolorous papillae, which taste sadness, are found in the most embarrassed parts of the tongue. “If you’ve ever eaten at an elderly person’s buffet restaurant,” Dr. Taiso says, “and everything just tasted sad, that’s your dolorous buds at work!” Foods abundant in sadness include beets, millet, creamed corn, Velveeta and boiled cabbage. In fact, the longer cabbage is boiled, the sadder it tastes.


Noted furniture psychic Flora Spoils was born in her home town of São Paulo, Wyoming, where she teaches shibari knitting to the elderly.

True Facts of the Science! #4

A panel of ten-year-old scientists determined after an intense afternoon-long investigation that magnets are awesome. Initially interested in measuring the funness (or funth) of sodium bicarbonate reacting to acetic acid, the team found that while frothy volcanoes were “pretty neat,” the funth was short lived. Magnets, however, “are cool because they don’t run out of power and you can do weird stuff to TVs and they make little force fields if you flip one around so you can push it like you have magic and you can pick stuff up with them and you can’t do that with baking soda even though you can make cookies with baking soda and not with magnets” (“That’s Whycome Magnets are Awesome,” Bobby, Veronica, et. al.).


Noted furniture psychic Flora Spoils was born in her home town of São Paulo, Wyoming, where she teaches shibari knitting to the elderly.

True Facts of the Science! #3

Science announced today that it is closer than ever to finding a cure for “the particular discomfort.” This inflammation of the proximity (proximititis) afflicts twice as many people, and is often accompanied by symptoms including a presented aspect to the tissues. Until as recently as a while ago, the most common treatment involved a mild application overnight.


Noted furniture psychic Flora Spoils was born in her home town of São Paulo, Wyoming, where she teaches shibari knitting to the elderly.

True Facts of the Science! #2

Few fish have external genitalia. Notable exceptions include sharks, skates, and rays as well as the Spiny Huncher and North Atlantic Cock Lobster. Sharks have a double penis, which attracts mates by vibrating during aggressive swimming. Human beings on land use an oboe to much the same effect. Once called the false remora, marine biologists now refer to the male shark’s member as a led zeppelin.


Noted furniture psychic Flora Spoils was born in her home town of São Paulo, Wyoming, where she teaches shibari knitting to the elderly.

True Facts of the Science! #1

What is the angriest shape? A recently published study in the Journal for Emotional Geometry designates the trapezoid as “generally quarrelsome and unpleasant at parties.” Euclid noted the disgruntled nature of this irregular quadrilateral, calling it “the bitter square.” The same study also shows that truncated tetrahedron seldom succeed in intimate relationships. As the article puts it, “They never really fit in. They’re just too complicated.”


Noted furniture psychic Flora Spoils was born in her home town of São Paulo, Wyoming, where she teaches shibari knitting to the elderly.