We’ve heard a lot of talk of self-care since the beginning of quarantine. For some, this has taken the form of face masks and day-drinking. For others it’s meant disconnecting from the internet as much as possible, or hurling themselves into cottagecore fantasies.
But we think these people are amateurs. You want self-care? Look no further than Bilbo Baggins.
First things first: it helps to have money! Bilbo inherited his home, his land, and a comfortable amount of wealth. (There has always been a Baggins at Bag-End, after all.) This obviously helps immeasurably when leaning into a self-care routine.
You know who probably had all the toilet paper three months ago? Bilbo. He keeps his pantry stocked with enough food and drink to feed a dozen Dwarves on short notice. You know that episode of the Dick Van Dyke show where Mary Tyler Moore cascades out of a closet on walnuts? That’s Bilbo’s bathroom closet, but with infinite rolls of Charmin.
And about that Dwarf Feast. Ahem:
- Buttered scones
- Red wine
- Raspberry jam
- More cakes
Bilbo doesn’t worry about putting on some extra weight during the pandemic! He believes life is there to be lived, and he lives it one tea service at a time.
Self-isolation is Bilbo’s love language. Bilbo loves nothing more than to stay the hell home. The first 41 pages of The Hobbit are about how much, in fact, he likes to self-isolate.
And let’s not discount the importance of pipeweed. That’s the whole entry here. Bilbo is high all the time.
Let the One Ring bind you—to a stress-free life:
- Old Gaffer wants to pop by for a socially-distanced chat on the stoop? Slip the Ring on, disappear.
- A Sackville-Baggins wants to hash out the details of Bilbo’s will “just in case”? Ring.
- One of the Big Folk—maskless!—thunders up to talk to Bilbo about his rights? RING.
And best of all? Bilbo Baggins lives in a literal hole in the ground. There is no way he has good internet, and you know he’s using that to get out of every Zoom meeting.