If the Vampire Lestat Was Your Boyfriend…

If Lestat was your boyfriend, he would cry a lot. Like, a lot. He would cry crimson tears because all vampires weep blood for extra theatrical effect, thank you Anne Rice.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, he would never want to break up. Ever. That’s not a good thing. He is just too intense for even an immortal relationship. Lestat doesn’t understand that all mortal relationships inevitably end, whether by breakup or till death do us part, and since all vampires were mortal once, well, you get the picture. All other vampires seem to be cool with breakups. Except Lestat.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, you’d go out to the most lavish parties, nonstop, every night, for the end of time, to feast on the blood of unsuspecting mortals that he flirts with in front of your eyes, and he might make you flirt with them too. He’s into that sort of thing. Does that sound fun to you?

If Lestat was your boyfriend, he’d buy you all the Alexander McQueen you ever wanted to wear, with that seemingly never ending treasure chest of his that an ancient vampire left to him and also all the money for his records—did you know he made Top of the Pops and toured in Asia? Well, now you know how he paid for that fancy dress. That he will now insist you wear out to the next big party.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, he’d get you into the Met Gala and dress to the nines. The other vampires might try to kill you both though, for showing off to the mortals, so be prepared for that.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, you’d have to listen to him type slowly with two fingers because he never used the Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing software or any of those Zoombini children’s games.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, you’d have to listen to him obsess over other vampires’ podcasts on a frequency that went above your human hearing. You don’t know what they’re talking about, but it’s probably not good. You’d try to stop him from starting his own podcast, Lestat, please no.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, you’d have to listen to him bemoan his exes, especially Louis. He’d talk to you about “checking up” on Louis, just a little. You don’t mention that Louis probably set his Facebook search so that Lestat could never find him, and preemptively blocked Lestat on Twitter. You don’t know how you feel about that.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, you’d have to deal with his exes of every gender, on every continent. Including: his own mom. Seriously, Anne Rice? That was a choice you made. Please think about that.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, you’d try to stop him needling Armand, who is absolutely tired and fed up with his shit.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, you would tell him that getting a boner for science is certainly a choice. Anne Rice.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, you might turn him down for trying to make you a vampire. I mean… look at how his other relationships turned out. Would you become an immortal and stay young and gorgeous forever as a trade off for an inevitably messy as hell breakup with Lestat, whose nickname is literally “the brat prince”?

If Lestat was your boyfriend, he will broaden your worldview so much that you will realize that aliens were somehow involved in the making of vampires. What?

If Lestat was your boyfriend, he might make you read his books. He might ask you your thoughts.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, he might turn another kid into a vampire and guilt you into staying and caring for this now immortal child, who will be raised by Lestat and grow up with all of his worst traits and then try to turn you against Lestat.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, you would alternate between feeling a little sorry for him and wanting to smack him out of exasperation. Not very healthy, in anyone’s metric of a relationship.

If Lestat was your boyfriend, you’d look at the way he nakedly and unabashedly checks up on literally every vampire he has ever had a relationship with (practically all of them), but especially Louis. You would pity it, be disgusted by it, and, deep down, feel perhaps a tiny bit of sympathy. Maybe you can relate—maybe you, too, sometimes check up on an ex (albeit in way less frequently, and way more discreetly than STANDING OUTSIDE SOMEONE’S WINDOW… learn how to be weird in a normal way, Lestat).

* * *

I first saw Interview With The Vampire at the tender age of five, when it was on TV, the image of Claudia and Madeline as ash-statues forever burned into my brain. I rewatched as a teen (also the time I first watched Queen Of The Damned) and fell madly in love with Lestat. For the last year, I’ve been revisiting the Vampire Chronicles—first, with viewings of Interview With The Vampire and Queen Of The Damned, as well as reading The Vampire Lestat for the first time and a (quickly abandoned) attempt to read Prince Lestat. I could not finish Prince Lestat because it was Too Much. I had to pause the audiobook every ten seconds to scream.

I’ve spent enough with Lestat now to know that to date him is the worst idea in the conceivable universe and he’d do something as dumb as unleash an ancient, apocalyptic evil… just to get back at his ex. And yet, I enjoy him thoroughly. He is a hot mess. He is a shitty twenty-four-year old frozen in time, unable to move on from bad breakups, unable to process his feelings in a, shall we say, constructive way. For everyone who has since moved on from their teens and twenties (I just turned the big 3-0 this year), his exploits are now extra ridiculous, tiresome, and amusing. Lestat reminds us all that we change, grow up, move forward, even if he does not—but he will always be there whenever we need a terrible vampire prince to amuse ourselves with. Truly, that’s all he’s good for anyway.

Wendy Xu is a Brooklyn-based illustrator and comics artist with three upcoming graphic novels from Harper Collins. She is the co-creator of Mooncakes, a young adult fantasy graphic novel published in 2019 from Lion Forge Comics, and part of it can be read on Tumblr. Her work has been featured on Catapult, Barnes & Noble Sci-fi/Fantasy Blog, and Tor.com, among other places. You can find more art on her instagram: @artofwendyxu or on twitter: @angrygirLcomics


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