If This is the Plot for Star Wars: Episode VII, I Will Be Sad

Badass Digest claims to have a leak who has given them information on the plot of Star Wars Episode VII. Take this with a grain of salt, of course, (THE BIGGEST GRAIN) as the details are unconfirmed. But honestly… if it’s real?

I will not be happy.

Remember, there’s a chance this could be spoiler-y, if this leak turns out to be genuine. So here’s some maybe-not-even-spoiler space first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, remember Yaddle from Episode I? Whatever happened to Yaddle?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is what Badass Digest had to say:

Imagine the standard Star Wars crawl, and when it ends the camera pans up to the stars. But instead of a spaceship zooming into frame we see… a hand! A severed hand, tumbling through space. A severed hand gripping a light saber.

…you’re kidding me with this, right?

That hand falls onto a desert planet, where it is discovered by characters who will be our heroes. One is Daisy Ridley. The other is John Boyega, who is playing someone trying to change his path in life (again, I’m keeping it vague here). They recognize the light saber as a Jedi relic and decide to return it to the proper people.

What upstanding young kids! Wait, so Ridley is not Han and Leia’s daughter? Booooooo.

Their quest takes them off world, and they meet up with Han Solo and Chewbacca, who aren’t flying around in the Millenium Falcon anymore but are piloting… well, that could be a spoiler. I’ll leave it. Anyway, Han and Chewie recognize the light saber as Luke’s, and they say they haven’t seen their friend in thirty years, since the events of Return of the Jedi.

So begins a quest to find the missing Jedi Master. Meanwhile, on an ice planet, nefarious forces are building a super weapon, one capable of destroying not planets but entire solar systems…

Bigger weapon! Gianter weapon! MORE WEAPON.

Watch out, people, the Sun Crusher is coming to life. For real this time. Although Kyp Durron probably won’t be flying it.

They then go on to say that John Boyega is really the star of the movie, killing the dreams of many fans who had hoped for a primary female lead in this trilogy. Rumor is that Boyega is a stormtrooper (or at least used to be one?), and he’s looking to change his life. In addition, they point out that this is basically a mirror to A New Hope, where Luke was searching for Obi-Wan, only this time everyone’s looking for Luke. (Who I would like to point out, found Obi-Wan in about a half hour, so the mirroring is not exact methinks.)

So Luke’s been an invisible nomad all this time? Han doesn’t seem to be with Leia (she’s not mentioned at all in this), and he hasn’t seen Luke in decades? This will basically be a let’s-get-the-band-back-together movie? It starts with a severed hand falling through space?

I’m having a hard time taking any of this seriously at all, but if I did, this would be pretty disappointing as you start extrapolating from those details. The idea that you defeat the galaxy’s evil only to break away from your friends and family, and never bother seeing them again, seems unnecessarily harsh. Also, dedicated bachelor Han Solo is not only boring, but EXACTLY LIKE INDIANA JONES. Lemme guess, if he’s not with Leia, they’ll meet up again in this movie and decide to get together? Daisy Ridley is their secret daughter? She’s actually played by Shia LaBeouf?

Hopefully, most or all of these details are incorrect—we already know that Han is going to be on the Falcon, since that’s the set that Harrison Ford got injured on, so this might just be a false bunch of info. (Unless Han gets his precious baby back in the film. Wow, that’s a thing that’s never been done before.) Fingers crossed that this is just one more to fuel the rumor mill until winter next year.

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