Season 5 of The Clone Wars was going along fine and dandy (though with a distinct lack of Padmé) until the very end when suddenly EVERYTHING WAS RUINED. I mean, they made good narrative choices, but I am cry. And the sixth season only has 13 episodes, which is not enough time to do anything, so I have a feeling that some of this stuff is going to leave me hanging forever, and I will always be upset. Just… great job failing, Jedi Order. Not saying this is why you’re about to be wiped out, except for the part where it really is.
By which I mean to say… um, here’s a liveblog?
Necessary Warning: My on-the-spot ravings follow, and there are swears. If you do not like swears or occasional all-caps, I’d steer clear.
Season 5 of Star Wars: The Clone Wars liveblogging here. Darth Maul has legs, anything is possible.
And now Maul and Savage are going at it. Savage, you don’t seem to realize that there is a pattern to your life.
Obi-Wan’s all *sigh* pirates.
Pirates in flying saucers apparently.
Maul: I’M A LORD, ER, CRIME LORD
Yeah, can’t lie, I missed Hondo.
Obi-Wan really is having a hard time with the fact that no one can tell the difference between a Jedi and a Sith.
Come on, Adi, you can take Savage even if you are a quarter his size, you’re a badass.
NO UGH SAVAGE YOU ARE JUST I CANNOT I AM ANGRY
Yeah, you boys made Obi-Wan mad. He’s got two lightsabers and his bitchface on.
Dammit, Obi-Wan, that’s not fair, you were doing so good.
So when you get injured as a Nightsister-Sith you LEAK DARK SIDE?!!?!
“Insolence? We’re pirates! We don’t even know what that means.” Hondo, I luv you.
Stop telling Obi-Wan this is personal, he’s still right, AARRGHHHH you are pissing me off, Yoda, you should know better.
A War On Two Fronts
Wow, they took Onderon? That’s bad news.
Good debate, guys. Deciding whether training up insurgents is, in fact, creating terrorism.
Ahsoka is getting all grown up with her commander voice on.
ONDERON IS FULL OF DINOSAURS
And Lux is here again, being kind of dead weight as usual.
“Oh great.” Ahsoka, your self-awareness over your crush is adorable.
Aw, Anakin, your awareness over Ahsoka’s crush is adorable.
I love this faux-Roman thing they’ve got going with the new crappy king.
Man, no one here wears hooded cloaks, you’d think a bunch of hooded Jedi would REALLY STAND OUT.
I do love that in order to make these episodes work, they literally have to admit that battledroids are stupid and just designed to take over by sheer numbers. They must be so cheap to produce.
Steela is so friggin awesome.
Pretty sure you shouldn’t stare at a giant fire with nightvision goggles on.
Daddy Anakin just feels so bad about Ahsoka’s feeeeeeeelings. Because he knows what a damned hypocrite he is being all married.
This rebellion is going too well, it’s going to go horribly wrong.
The Soft War
Onderon locals don’t seem super convinced about the rebellion.
Steela’s brother needs to cool his bro rage.
Steela’s like, “Lux, your crush is so inappropriate right now.” YES, WOMAN, YOU TELL HIM.
Because no one called how incredibly wrong that rescue was going to go.
Are we turning the commander on the inside by pure chance? Because that would be super useful and pretty cool.
Is that like a laser guillotine?
So a bunch of guys with spears just held off those battledroids?
Smug dinosaur just sat on that battledroid.
And Ahsoka gives the bro punch after Lux gets that kiss he’s been angling for. You’re a good friend, Ahsoka.
One thing that’s never been made quite clear—where are the rebels getting their munitions from?
Anakin and Obi-Wan plotting to help Ahsoka. You guys. You’re so schemy and clever.
Can pirate cameos be a thing more often?
“What good will it do us if she gets herself killed?” HE SAID THE THING.
You are kidding me with this. [Saw]’s going to be responsible for the death of his sister?
Aaaaand make Ahsoka part responsible too while your at it. Because she doesn’t have enough things to feel shitty about.
The lesson here, kids, is NEVER KISS ANYONE AND SAY “JUST IN CASE.” DO NOT.
“This has been quite a journey for our Padawan.” Yeah, ’cause you’re raising her together, huh, Obi-Wan?
“Remember this day. The day Onderon was free again!” That’s… the best you got, king? I am less than stirred.
TINY WOOKIEE JEDI
Aw, yeeessssss, we are going to build some lightsabers.
Let’s all go to lightsaber church!
Aw, don’t make Bif go alone! This is the creepiest test. They really want these kids to feel like they earned something.
Little nerdy Nautolan Jedi is just the cutest
And that’s what you get for being a jerk, Petro.
So we’ve got selfishness, impatience, indecisiveness, over-reliance on technology, cowardice, and lack of faith in yourself.
Haaaaaa, and Yoda’s like, did you really think we were just gonna let you die in there if you didn’t make it out in time? You kids.
A Test of Strength
THAT’S DAVID TENNANT
I KNOW THAT VOICE ANYWHERE
Aaahahaha, he even sounds like the Doctor. This is the best.
He’s like a robot Ollivander for Jedi, I am in love with this entire concept it is perfect.
Ah, that’s interesting. So the retcon here is that Kaiburr crystals are simply lightsaber crystals, not one specific mythical item. That’s better than what it was in Splinter of the Mind’s Eye.
PETRO, YOU ARE SUCH A PAIN IN THE BUTT
“Is this part of our training?” “It is now.” Right answer, Ahsoka. You are smartest.
Again with that lightsaber black market. Makes you wonder how many non-Jedi have them….
Good ploy, Petro, you get a point. But only one.
You stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left! (It had to be said.)
OH NO YOU LOST AHSOKA
Bound for Rescue
Love Obi-Wan’s standard thinky holographic pose.
Love these kids putting their lightsabers together with the Force when you know Luke puts his together with a pair of pliers.
R2 is fixing David Tennant. Just more proof that R2-D2 is the ideal Doctor’s companion.
What, you are going to sell her to someone who wants a female Jedi dead or alive? Ew, Hondo that’s disgusting.
KID JEDI ACROBATS. GOOD JOB BBYS.
Obi-Wan, you are such a lovely punk. But if you didn’t feel the need to rub Grievous’ face in it HE WOULD BE DEAD ON THAT SHIP YOU DON’T TELL HIM THAT IT’S ABOUT TO BLOW UP.
I love that lil’ Jedi girl who sounds like she has a cold the whole time.
Ahsoka’s like, “I remember when I used to be this crazy, but that doesn’t mean you can do it.”
SAD GAMMOREAN CLOWN
A Necessary Bond
This rescue could be going better.
Good thing Grievous needed a place to land?
Yeah, Hondo is so used to dealing with Jedi who are too fair and don’t really care about him unless he interferes. Now he’s gotta deal with Dooku.
R2 cursing at battledroids.
“Well, today is a new day. And lucky for you, today I like children.” I feel like Hondo speaks for so many people.
I’m sorry, why wouldn’t Hondo’s ship just shoot at Grievous? Isn’t that the easiest way to back him off?
Sure, now you shoot at him.
The Doctor-bot wants to talk about how Yoda got his crystal AND THEY STOPPED HIM. OBI-WAN WHY.
Uh-oh a pit droid.
Tiniest of hoppy colonels!
Poor pit droid. All the astromech droids are like, “peasant.”
Love how every upgrade the droids got comes with a serious downside. Crazy droid mad scientist.
No, colonel, you did not pull the whole “just a droid” thing, you are such an ass.
“In other words, you read maps.” Yeah, Wack is the best.
ZERO G DROID FIGHT
R2’s all, LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND.
A Sunny Day in the Void
R2, plz for to keep yourself from falling off the ship.
Droid rescue chain!
Thank you for picking up the encryption key, R2. At least someone knows what’s going on.
Wack, stop being a droid racist.
Okay, colonel’s lost his mind. And R2’s not going to put up with Wack, so all astromechs together.
This episode is so weird.
Haha, R2 beat you here, you guys suuuuuuuuck.
Missing in Action
Um, Gascon, if all the droids run out of power, you’re in a lot more trouble.
What are you literally announcing your mission in the diner, you are the biggest moron in the Republic, you are fired.
Adorable bearded clone who is not a trooper.
Okay, so clones have codes in their wrists that hold their records. That’s not a creepy signifier at all.
Whoa, he’s got a lot of tallies on his helmet. More than Rex.
Crazed Russian mob boss/Sullustan diner owner needs to stop cackling.
Gascon asked if they were ready to “get dangerous.” Where’s mah Darkwing Duck cameo?
“Get the shuttle ready to roll.” Um, it’s a spaceship? It has no wheels?
Did they really just kill Gregor after all that? That’s… awful.
Point of No Return
Holographic crew is creeeeepyyyy.
I love how surprised they are about this Separatist ploy when the Sullustan basically gave the whole thing away last episode.
Alright, I’m just gonna say it. Gascon is freaking annoying, and I wish someone else was in charge.
Bunny droid is my faaaaaavorite. Bunny droid ears and the tiny voice….
Yeah, R2, you go after that lil spy droid, you mess it up
R2-D2 killing aaaallll the traitors
Me: Yeah, I really don’t think BZ cares at this point. Kelsey: I mean, he’s already died like five times.
Obi-Wan stop snarking about Anakin’s attitude, you really don’t want those to be your last words if the droids don’t save your butts.
I love how Anakin’s opinion on droids is basically “Everyone who is not R2 is incompetent.”
And now Anakin is like “You go use millions of credits of manpower and bring me back my damn droid, he doesn’t need oxygen to survive, you all find him and you patch up his holes and you give him back and don’t talk to me anymore.”
Great, now Death Watch wanna make friends with Maul. This will end well.
Huh, how does the Death Watch dude know enough about Sith lore to know there should only be two? Is that basically common knowledge to anyone who picks up an encyclopedia?
It’s too bad that Death Watch isn’t being played with more subtlety because the idea of a warrior culture suddenly being overtaken by a pacifistic government is really interesting.
Thanks, Maul. Thanks for choking the one lady in Death Watch. You’re a class act.
Aw, now Savage and Maul have matching robot parts. ~cooooo~
“I am Maaaauuul. This is Savage!” That line delivery was genius. I cannot stop laughing.
Black Sun! Black Sun was name-dropped!
We’re going to SEE the Black Sun? YES.
HE JUST KILLED EVERYONE. WHUT.
Did Maul basically pave the way for Xizor’s rise to power by murdering all the Falleen elite with a single lightsaber toss?
Savage just gave a literal lion’s roar.
“So the only thing you can tell me is that I will find Jabba… at Jabba’s Palace?” Oh Maul, you so sassy.
I mean, if you’re going to overthrow people, uniting all the galactic criminal organizations is not a bad idea.
Shades of Reason
Sure, Vizsla, talk a little LOUDER about how you’re going to discard Maul once you’re done with him, right outside his tent.
“The shipping docks are under attack. The people are demanding that we do something.” NO. REALLY? WOW, I AM SURPRISE THEY WANT YOU DO SOMETHING.
So Death Watch stops people by tying them up. (It’s an act here, but still.) Um, isn’t that sort of a perfect tool for pacifist troops? Wouldn’t they do the exact same thing? It makes Death Watch look pacifistic too. It’s… weird.
Man, this storyline is making Satine look like an idiot. Her disbelief and inability to counter the disillusion of Mandalore’s people is just bad politics, and she was much smarter than this in previous episodes.
Ha, yeah, using the single combat challenge with the Manadlore rule of succession was a good play. Vizsla’s basically brainless for not considering that might be coming.
That was one intense decapitation. I mean, they’re usually intense, I suppose. But whoa.
Okay, people of Mandalore, it’s definitely time for you to call bullshit. This is whacko.
“Morality separates heroes from villains.” Um… that’s a nice thought, I guess. Not sure that’s it.
Damn, Satine’s nephew got tall.
“You summoned me, masters?” “Yeah, we got a message from your girlfriend.”
Yoda, Ki-Adi, it’s time to admit that being slave to the Republic is compromising your Jedi values.
Yeeessss, using the old come-into-my-ship-so-I-can-steal-your-armor ploy. Wait, that means that when they do it in A New Hope, it was probably Obi-Wan’s idea. YAASSS.
“I do my own bidding.” That’s a way better rescue line, Luke. Take notes.
So basically that rescue plan didn’t work because Anakin lent Obi-Wan a really crappy ship?
SAW THAT FRIDGING COMING LIGHTYEARS AWAY. THANKS GUYS.
OH SHIT, DEATH WATCH LADY IS SATINE’S SISTER, ISN’T SHE?
Palpatine’s all, Do I really have to do everything myself? I thought we took care of this problem ages ago.
Aw hell, Maul, daddy’s home. You in trouble now.
Yup, called Death Watch lady. Partly because she seemed similarly amused at Obi-Wan’s glib attitude.
Poor Savage. He had no idea why they were even fighting that dude, and now he gets to die thinking he sucks.
What, he’s not going to kill Maul? He… I don’t want to know what “other uses” amount to.
Heh. Buzz droids.
Omg Anakin, Ahsoka can’t take you anywhere.
Oh dear. Jedi terrorism.
Anakin’s like, Help the droid cop, Ahsoka. I’m going to stand here and feel out… stuff.
Suspects wife calling Anakin on all that elitist Jedi crap. This plotline is actually a super cool idea.
Not to rain on your parade Ani-soka, but this sounds like a real easy frame-up.
Aaand, that’s what you get for being so tied into the Republic machine, guys
“I would have thought that working for the Jedi paid better.” Aahahhahaha. Ahaha. Aha-haha. That’s hilarious, Ahsoka. You’re so sweet.
And the Jedi are getting less popular in public opinion. Quelle surprise.
The Jedi Who Knew Too Much
During Yoda’s funeral speech—Ahsoka and Bariss: *chat about sadness* Obi-Wan: This is a great speech, Imma internalize this. Anakin: This speech is crap, I’m pissed.
Man, Tarkin is wearing a lot of rouge. Is all I’m saying.
No, but I want Ahsoka to spend the rest of the episode with Barriss. *whine*
Yup. People are pissed the Jedi are being used in the war. Not surprised.
And now Ahsoka is framed for murder. Great.
Ew, Tarkin, no, do not touch Ahsoka. You’re the worst.
Shit, you [clones] just got Anakin Rage over that. Super unpretty.
NO AHSOKA DO NOT JAILBREAK NOT SMART.
These interiors are straight-up Death Star interiors.
Creepy, creepy clone statues… Gosh, everything is starting to look more and more Empire-y.
Ahsoka. I cannot. handle. how badass. you are.
Poor Anakin. He’s gonna cry big papa bear tears if this doesn’t end well.
They sort of did a Fugitive send up just there.
To Catch A Jedi
Plo Koon is like, aw no, not my girl. No way. Yeah, Plo Koon. You go, Plo Koon.
Yoda’s like, I wanna send the two people who are most convinced of Ahsoka’s innocence. And then Mace was all, Not Anakin, though. And then Obi-Wan was all, shut up, yes Anakin. Idiots.
AHOSKA’S MUG SHOT IS FIERCE
That’s right, you call your Barriss, she’s best in all the Coruscant.
Did you just trade that guy rations for his only warm cloak? Was he too drunk to realize he was getting the bum deal? Why does he talk like a sheep?
Little Twi’lek kid is all “Whhhhhhy would you make a hole in the elevator ceiling, crazy woman?”
OMG ASAJJ, HAAAIIIIIII. *waves*
Anakin is gonna cry seeing his Padawan with Ventress. Everyone should have to work with Ventress. Ventress Wars.
Man, don’t frame Asajj for your BS. That’s mean.
You know, it’s not Barriss, is it? Because I really don’t want it to be Barriss, but that’s seemed likely since she wouldn’t tell Ahsoka where her intel came from.
The Wrong Jedi
Obi-Wan is really damn upset over Tarkin’s evil face and politics.
OMG THIS IS LIKE THE KLINGON COURTROOM IN STAR TREK VI.
Aaaaand then they expelled Ahsoka and Anakin freaked out and Obi-Wan cried. Seriously, Yoda was like “We’re not exactly in agreement,” and Obi-Wan looked wistfully to the heavens.
Padmé defending her surrogate daughter before the Senate. Awww.
Anakin, where are Ventress’ lightsabers? Where are they PAY ATTENTION.
Why would the Republic even need the death penalty? They have five million planets at their disposal for dumping criminals, there is no reason to murder anyone.
“Maybe, he should be looking at you.” Wow, Tarkin. Not your best court comeback.
Nice, Anakin. That was a risky and super smart ploy, forcing Barriss to use Asajj’s lightsabers.
Barriss, at this point, everyone can see that you made a boo-boo. Time to stop the fight.
This trial took like two hours. Worst process ever.
I mean, Barriss is all—the Jedi are fighting for the Dark Side now. And… she’s not actually wrong.
Say no, Ahsoka.
YES. GOOD JOB AHSOKA. THEY WERE ASSHOLES.
Yeah, you guys screwed up and you deserve all of that, you should be ashamed.
Anakin’s like, I really get you wanting to leave the Order, and Ahsoka’s like yeah, I know (seriously, everyone knows you’re married to Padmé, just get over it, this is my moment, jerk.)
So… sad now.
Everything hurts. And since most of the female Jedi Council members are AFK or dead, it came off even worse—just a bunch of dude bro Jedi Masters acting like they were doing Ahsoka a favor, making it seem like “this was practically a training exercise! You totally passed, good job!” She was right to leave. They don’t deserve her.
Though I really have no idea how bad that’s going to mess with Anakin and Obi-Wan, they are both so wrecked.
Emily Asher-Perrin wants Asaaj and Ahsoka to become a rogue Force-using team who go around helping people (Asaaj grudgingly, of course). You can bug her on Twitter and read more of her work here and elsewhere.