The subtitle of Star Wars: The Clone Wars season four is “Battle Lines.” What would probably be more appropriate is “Every Kind of Death You Can Imagine. Also Tears.”
Which doesn’t mean I didn’t like it! More importantly, we did get to see the deconstruction of some real moral ambiguity central to the Star Wars universe (that doesn’t usually get talked about so, bonus). So let’s get to it.
Expected Warning: This is full of curses and keyboard smashes and is just me railing at the television. It is not polite, edited, or groomed in any way.
By the way, did anyone else notice that Obi-Wan gets beat up ALL THE TIME this season? I feel like this is relevant to the discussion. Poor damsel Obi-Wan.
Mon Calamari intrigue!
Who is the Sharkbait oo-ha-ha senator?
Wow, Anakin, you look ridiculous in that wetsuit.
How do we fire blasters in water?
Clone scuba troopers!
Is it weird for me to say that I love Kit and his little swimtrunks? Are they standard issue Jedi swimtrunks?
So do they always have a Mon Calamari king? Because if so, you could maybe see why the Quarrens were kinda pissed.
Those giant jellyfish droids are pretty of amazing.
Hooboy. Interment camps via Seperatists. That just got ugly real fast.
Oo, desert burn from Padmé.
I love how they keep calling them Mon Cala to try and make it less obvious that they named an entire species after a delicious appetizer.
*insert “It’s Raining Gungans” joke here*
Why does sharkbait roar?
I want that awkward moment where Ackbar finally admits to Luke and Leia that he hung out with their dad.
Ahsoka’s character development, let us show you it.
I don’t know that separating Anakin from his Padmé is a great idea, Sharkbait.
This gets more depressing when you remember that the Empire will exist in a few years, and the Mon Calamari are treated horribly by them for the next two decades. So winning this doesn’t actually make much of a difference.
You know, Prince Lee-Char could have maybe tried to have this a little more together. He’s the worst public speaker.
Ackbar just headbutted the head off of a droid. Whoa.
That was… a lot of death. All over, really.
Who is not surprised that the Gungans may still not be cool with the Naboo? Yeah, messed up planet is messed up.
So it’s kind of like Gungan voodoo being used on the king?
We’re playing the “Jar Jar looks like the Boss” thing?
Literally the only way they could ever get Grievous and Jar Jar in a room together.
The noise Grievous just made in reaction to Jar Jar was hilarious.
WHOA WHAT HE JUST KILLED GENERAL TARPALS AND THEN THE GUNGANS ALL STABBED GRIEVOUS AND DRAGGED HIM AWAY BY SEVEN SPEARS. THIS IS A KIDS SHOW.
At this point, the amount of electricity that has been pumped through Anakin’s body is probably enough to power a small city.
I’m so confused by how not annoying Jar Jar is in this episode. I mean, to the point that he’s kind of likable.
Clone troopers are manhandling 3PO. Um.
Is Aleena part of the Republic? If not, does the Republic provide aid to underdeveloped planets that are not a part of it? Seems like that would be real difficult with the war going on.
Just, look at 3PO actually taking the time to communicate and pay attention. He gets none of the props he deserves.
And then he fell down the sacred something and R2 ran after him. Good. Now the clones will actually have to attempt to communicate themselves.
MAGICAL UNDERGROUND FAIRY FOREST.
When they asked 3PO to make peace with the ground THEY ACTUALLY MEANT MAKE PEACE WITH THE GROUND.
Yeessssss, magical fairy tale labyrinth journey with RIDDLES. All the R2-3PO episodes are just so perf.
And Kelsey figured out the riddle immediately. Which would be why we’re getting married. Because if this ever happens to us, I won’t be the one who figures out the riddle part.
R2? Was that really the easiest way to save 3PO. Stealing a fighter and crashing?
3PO with a glo-branch bat bragging about R2’s fightin’ skillz.
GULLIVER’S TRAVELS RIPOFF.
3PO just knocked R2 over onto a dictator, splatted him, and set the population free and tried to create democracy.
Aaaand a giant hologram leader.
WIZARD OF OZ RIPOFF.
R2 found the pit droids behind the curtain and brought that society to the ground.
Oh my god they ran out of power together and it was horrible.
And after a brief stint as gladiators, they are now on Grievous’ ship.
Rescued! And now the clones have to listen to another 3PO bedtime story.
Darkness of Umbara
There’s mah Obi-Wan! Where have you been, gorgeous?
That clone trooper sounds druuuuuuuuunk.
Is that a Sarlacc? Yikes.
Rex is already feeling old and he’s probably only, like, ten.
General Krell is the same species as Dexter Jettster. Huh.
Ugh. Ugh, gross. Gross asshole commander who doesn’t believe clones are people, this is grooosssssss.
This planet is terrifying but so cool.
Rex do not bother sticking to this plan, don’t you dare.
How did Krell ever make Jedi Knight?
Okay, seriously, Krell’s battle tactics are not even slightly tactics. How does he have such a great record?
Hardcase wins for enthusiasm, though. And is still probably drunk.
Mechanical burrowing centipede tank? Wow.
If all the Separatist planets had this level of tech, the Republic would be defeated in hours.
Ouch. We’re watching the troopers get meaner because they’re being so ill-treated. That’s surprisingly true to life.
Wonder if the tick marks on Rex’s helmet indicates the number of battles he’s been through.
If I’m really good could we not kill Hardcase? I’d like to keep him.
Plan of Dissent
Yup, Fives is done. Go on, guys. Figure out how to fly those weirdo ships.
Fives, the words you are looking for are: boring conversation anyway.
Yeah, Rex, you better look impressed at your poor treacherous not-pilots.
And I knew we were gonna lose Hardcase. Whhhhyyyyyyy
Can you actually execute soldiers for insurrection that works in your favor and was intended to work in your favor? That seems nuts.
Carnage of Krell
Wow, so Krell actually thinks that clones who have minds of their own are “defective.” WHERE DID HE COME FROM. MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHO TRAINED HIM?
You are not seriously going to kill [Fives and Jesse], are you? You’re not. You are really not.
DON’T DO THAT TO ME, SHOW, I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK.
“It’s Captain, sir.” FUCK YEAH, REX.
Oh my god, why were they ordered to fight against each other WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Waxer, poor… Okay, that’s it. Kill this sonofabitch. Now.
…or maybe stand down and bring this to someone with the authority to stop him. Because that’s two double-bladed lightsabers.
HE’S KILLING ALL OF THEM MAKE IT STOP.
Should have just let that thing eat him.
Good job, Dogma, sweetie.
Well, I’m officially traumatized.
Those gun turret sidecars on those speeders are awesome. Also, Ahsoka’s lightsaber technique is totally ridiculous. Send HER to kill Dooku.
Also, I just really wish they could kill Dooku period. Never cared much in the prequels, but getting to see what he’s responsible for makes me wish someone could get to him.
Great, slavers! Just the people Anakin wants to see.
The hell fluffy goggled parrot.
Come on, Obi-Wan. Stop letting that guy throw you around the room. If your snark isn’t going to help you, you better be able to smack him.
Sheesh, Obi-Wan, that’s one hell of a way to buy time.
That was awesome team time, Ani-soka.
So, Obi-Wan is sporting various bruises and probably some internal injuries, cracked bones and such.
Animated Anakin makes the weirdest faces when he gets Dark Side Angry.
Slaves of the Republic
Those are some funneh hats.
Anakin gets to flirt with a weird slaving cat lady? And Obi-Wan yet again enlisting big awesome animals to aid in rescue attempts.
Slave suicide. Whoa. This is such a nice arc.
OBI-WAN JUST GOT BEAT TO HELL LAST EPISODE, COULD YOU NOT WHIP HIM WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE?
Anakin just gave Luke’s salute signal to R2 for his lightsaber and I squealed.
And now they are all captured and the queen is making Anakin be her bodyguard? It’s kinda rapey? Whoa.
Yeah, can we put a moratorium on shock collars? And this entire horrible species?
This is just so strange, suggesting that the Empire’s thing with slavery was kind of brought on by this population.
Escape from Kadavo
R2 SAVED ANAKIN. because droids are basically galactic slaves anyway so no one notices him.
It sounds like they’re using the screaming slave tracks from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, of all things. (Yes, I know that movie way too well.)
Leaving the shock collars on for the good of the mission? Ahsoka is so hardcore.
Man that queen really likes Anakin in the creepiest of ways.
SAVE ALL THE PEEPLES.
Brawler Obi-Wan is tops.
I really feel like Rex is taking this personally, which I find very interesting, considering certain arguable similarities between clones and slaves.
“I’m no Jedi.” Wow, they just totally gave Rex an Éowyn moment.
Ahhhhh, Ahsoka just caught one of her people when she fell from the ship. Ahsoka you are perfect.
A Friend in Need
And here’s that kid with the dead Separatist parents.
Aw, Ahsoka saved him. Not subtly the way Padme wanted, but… you know.
And then he tried to pull a blaster on her and she shut that down right quick. That was adorable.
Awesome Death Watch lady JUST SLAPPED AHSOKA’S BUTT, WHUT.
It’s like R2 is Woody surrounded by Syd’s toys, but they want him to repair them.
You know, it’s really not cool that Death Watch use traditional Mandalorian battle armor. Considering what they use it for.
Just noticed that Ahsoka’s lightsabers are actually two different shades of green. Excellent.
Just, go away Lux. You’re embarrassing.
And now Obi-Wan is shot and fell off a building. What’s going on.
So they’re faking his death of course. But did they literally not tell Anakin because… that’s a bad idea.
Wow, they got rid of all Obi-Wan’s hair and he looks like a baby. That’s what the beard is for.
That Jedi Polyjuice Potion looked rough. Are you saying that they couldn’t give him some painkillers?
So lucky Anakin actually wants to respect Obi-Wan’s memory or he might have accidentally killed Obi-Wan for looking like that guy he thinks killed him.
Obi-Wan is having a real easy time pretending to be this guy in prison. Too much fun.
Just staged a giant prison fight to break people out? Using Fett and Bossk? That was amazing.
Friends and Enemies
Hooray we’re on Dagobah?
Okay not Dagobah. But pretty close.
INDIANA JONES’ FEDORA.
Hearing the Bith language is awesome.
Aaaaand Obi-Wan’s hanging upside down like Luke.
Hah, Obi-Wan was like, “Dads, I’m out of cash, can you wire me?”
Ah, there’s Anakin’s freak out. I was wondering when we’d get a cut to that.
Wow, Palpatine’s a creepy first grade teacher: “Your feelings make you special, Ani!”
You forget that it’s Obi-Wan under the polyjuice potion until he sends a secret message and uses words like “tenuous.”
Yoda’s literally like, “Yeah, we fucked this up…. Your problem, Mace.”
Just kill Cad Bane, Anakin. You’re angry enough and no one would miss him.
Obi-Wan got so scared for his baby, he forgot he looks like the guy who killed himself.
Obi-Wan, that had the opposite affect you intended with Anakin and Ahsoka.
Uh-oh. No Dooku contest could be worth this.
Oh good, finally getting a dressing down from Yoda. Although Anakin’s dilemma here is a lot like Luke’s in Empire.
Cad Bane killed a dude for a hat. For a bigger hat. There are just so many things I could say here.
Did Dooku just say Obi-Wan’s disguise guy is from Concord Dawn? That’s great.
I love that Dooku is doing his propaganda spiel for a bunch of guys who just want his money.
Fight in a borg cube. ~snort~
OBI-WAN STOP HELPING THE CUTTHROAT CRIMINALS, IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A FIGHT TO THE DEATH.
Yeah, Dooku can totally tell it’s Obi-Wan now.
Obi-Wan must be so good at video games.
I mean, it’s literally just a series of video game challenges. So Obi-Wan has a Playstation back at the Temple, clearly.
FUCK YES, CAD BANE SAVED HIM. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW GOOD OBI-WAN KENOBI IS.
Having a really fun discussion with Kelsey about how much Obi-Wan is using the Force in this fight. He can’t use it so much that people notice, but you have to figure he’s using it a teensy bit to improve his agility and such. (Though probably less than he’s been using it otherwise on the mission because Dooku is watching.)
Crisis on Naboo
Yoda just made the most amazing sassy face at Anakin’s clear ’tude about this mission.
This is actually a super clever ploy—if they [Dooku and Sidious] kidnap Palpatine and demand Separatists from jail for his safe return they, of course, lose absolutely nothing.
You know, Obi-Wan gave you a real clear window and instructions, guys. You’re really dropping the ball. As Jedi go.
This holographic tech is such a problem. Such a cool problem. I want one.
Eval needs to stop referring to himself in the third person.
Aw, Anakin is really mad at Obi-Wan for not telling him about the plan. Poor resonate conversations that explain so many of Anakin’s later issues.
Obi-Wan please hurry up and help Anakin, it’s distressing to know that not a single person in this room is on his side, even though he thinks they are.
UGH IT IS SO GROSS TO SEE HOW MUCH PALPATINE IS ENJOYING THIS.
“As long as I live, no harm will ever come to you, Your Excellency.” NO ANAKIN NO BAD THOUGHTS NO.
I love that the Nightsisters basically have Dracula accents.
You’re sending Grievous in against the Nightsisters? That’s a really stupid idea.
Those energy bows and arrows are so coooooooool.
So with the way that they’ve organized the power dynamics here, and the fact that they have the Water of Life that they mentioned in the other episode, someone on staff clearly decided the Nightsisters were basically the Star Wars universe equivalent of the Bene Gesserit. Which is a pretty great idea, I think.
Okay, wow, zombie sisters buried upside down. Like sleeping vampires. This is insane.
And real voodoo. On Dooku. From a lock of his hair. I did say that this attack was a terrible idea.
I have no idea why Asajj thought that Grievous would fight with honor.
No! Awesome mohawk Nightsister is dead. Boo.
They just let Grievous sail in there and kill their most important WHAT HOW DID YOU LET THAT HAPPEN.
Man, they are going to be sorry later when the worst Nightsister of all rises up in all place of that army they just destroyed. Also, what the hell, that was devastating.
When you’re a down and out former Sith apprentice, life is tough.
Asajj basically did what I wish I could do to every asshole who bothered me at a bar.
“I’m not much of a talker.” ASAJJ I LOVE YOU.
That actually kind of looked like a gay alien couple at that table. I hope it was.
Bossk called them “a merry band of bounty hunters.” Um.
“Shut up, Dengar.” SHUT UP DENGAR. AAAAAHHHHHHH
The need for exposition is making Boba Fett seem needlessly stupid—he should have had all these questions answered before they took the job.
So this is “The Train Job”? Basically?
I am so consistently weirded out by Bossk and Boba kind of being a team on this show. Just, no.
Totally called that the cargo was a person.
And more Force users making Fett weird about Force users. He’s got pretty good reason to be so unhappy.
She gave them Fett, right? Instead of the child bride?
Asajj Ventress just got all humanized and this makes me real nervous for her.
Wow, Dooku, be more dramatic.
Strangling people at Dex’s Diner….
“This dust… it’s a clue.” WOW WAY TO GO SAVAGE BATMAN. NOW ANALYZE IT… WITH SCIENCE.
He is literally just wiping his hands down the sides of crates. Such detection. Much solve.
So it’s not actually Dex’s Diner but it looks like it. So it’s a franchise chain? That would be hilarious.
Is Darth Maul literally lying on a garbage heap planet cut in half? Is that what’s going on here?
Savage’s time lord locket stopped working.
Love Savage’s muppet snake guide.
Snake muppet is actually genuinely terrifying. Yes.
I just need Maul to still be in two pieces, I need this otherwise this whole plotline is no good.
HE’S LIKE THE DOCTOR SMITH SPIDER FROM THE LOST IN SPACE MOVIE HEEAALPPP
You know, as much as I was not keen on having Maul back, crazy Maul is kind of great.
Yoda just called Obi-Wan in all, “Yo, honey, I just felt some shit through the Force that we gotta talk about.”
Talking in rhyme. Stay classy, Maul.
I love how Savage is supposed to be this crazy monster, but as soon as he finds Maul he becomes big brother caretaker, and is suddenly chill and articulate.
That was foreboding, Mother Talzin.
DARTH MAUL WANTS PRETTY GREEN FIREFLY
She is literally ripping the crazy out of his head. This is why Palpatine was scared of these ladies.
I will now write a new indie rock hit called “Double-jointed Robot Legs.”
Okay, I’m just putting this out there: Savage = Thor Maul = Loki. You know I’m right.
No, no no no, you listen to Mace, you send someone with Obi-Wan to walk into the trap.
Is Obi-Wan going to team up with Asajj? I WANT THIS.
They knocked Obi-Wan out and are just standing over his body like, “…Well, now what? I dunno, that felt too easy, let’s wake him up and try again.”
Count on Obi-Wan to still be sassy while he gets kicked around a room.
YES ASAJJ, YES SAVE YOUR FAVORITE SASS JEDI
“I want that back.” “That’s fine—red’s not my color.” I am so angry that I won’t get an entire season of this. It is perfect.
And that might be the only time Obi-Wan has ever given in to anger. Because you don’t just bring up Qui-Gon Jinn like that.
Best Worst Team ever. Seriously heartbroken that this won’t be a regular thing.
And that’s wrap on the Season of Sadness. Next season will probably be similarly situated. Huzzah.
Okay. So. Um. Really concerned with how this is going. For people.