Do you love the Grand Theft Auto series, but hate all the misogyny and violence? Or possibly you just feel constrained by the game’s focus on bustling fictional metropoli like San Andreas and Liberty City? Well, game reviewer and sports commentator Jon Bois has a solution, and he shared it with the world on Polygon! And all it requires is some imagination, and a willingness to unlock your inner third-grade-crafts-loving self.
Bois’ technique is simple, and its potential limitless: simply get some paper, tape, and markers. Cut out squares in the paper to fit around your chosen avatar and/or car, and then draw literally anything you want on the paper, to create an endless playground of your own invention. He suggest four games: Sober Feminist Game Developer, Grand Theft Auto: Indianapolis, Open-World Baseball 2K13, and finally the most…whimsical entry: You, Steve Forbes, and The Endless Void. The one with “baseball” in the title is about baseball, so…nope! And the one about Steve Forbes frightened us a little. But the other two are great! Sober Feminist Game Developer functions as an excellent critique of the game, and all you need are some ideas about feminist theory and a knowledge of soda brands. For instance, you can make one of the characters ask the obvious question: why aren’t any of the main characters female? Is it because women can’t be venal, greedy, and desperate to get ahead, like the male characters? Or could it possibly be that some male gamers would find playing as a girl icky? What if they had to go on a Tampax-based sidequest, in between all the bloody torture scenes? Some indignities are not to be endured.
As for the “sober” aspect, we’re pretty sure you can also substitute energy drinks or bottled coffee if you prefer—the new paper label just has to fit over a whiskey bottle—so if both alcohol and high fructose corn syrup offend you, we’ve found your game:
Our other favorite, however, is GTA:I, in which you stalk the mean streets of Indianapolis, Indiana, avoiding Arby’s and Pizza Hut/Taco Bell homunculi on your quest for the best Chilis restaurant:
Try all of Bois’ suggestions, or create your own! Personally, we think Grand Theft Dragon: Qarth would be the way to go…