In perplexing matters of the heart, conundrums involving social occasions, shopping tips, or any number of mysteries one might face in their daily lives, there is one place to turn for help: Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson!
This week they’re helping out with questions about footwear, giving advice on how to get along with roommates, and advising on Father’s Day gifts. The latter of which turns out to be a bit of a mistake.
Socks with Sandals writes:
Dear Dynamic Detecting Duo,
Summer is practically here which means I’ve begun rocking my favorite fashion ensemble: socks with sandals. However, my new girlfriend thinks socks with sandals are “not hot” and is forcing me out of one of the few things that give me pleasure during these warmer months. I think she’s really nice, but at the same time not sure if I know who I am without socks and sandals. Any advice you have would be much appreciated.
Holmes: It is apparent to me by the content of this man’s letter that the girlfriend he speaks of is blind.
Watson: I’m familiar with your methods old friend, but even I can’t see how you’ve solved this one.
Holmes: This has nothing to do with the science of deduction Watson. In fact, it is quite elementary. No man who wears socks with sandals will ever speak more than twenty-seven syllables in succession to a woman before she walks away. Either he’s lying or the woman is at least partially blind.
Watson: Surely not, Holmes. How does she know about the socks and sandal?
Holmes: She knows because he told her. He is attempting to test her to see if she accepts him. Therefore the solution to his problem is in his grasp. Continue to wear socks and sandals, but remove them secretly before she offers any foot massages.
Bookish Roommate writes:
Dear Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson,
I am getting a new housemate this summer. We get along great, and have many similar interests… but last night I discovered that she is an anti-Stratfordian. Now I’m severely conflicted: can this houseshare work out?
Holmes: I’m sorry Watson; here I will need your assistance. Whatever is this strange woman referring to?
Watson: She’s talking about a queer development Holmes. There are those in civilized society who now assert that the works of William Shakespeare were written by someone other than William Shakespeare of Stratford-upon-Avon. It’s quite a strange business!
Holmes: Oh, Watson. I am at a loss. Who of what? Pray enlighten me further.
Watson: Really Holmes! How can you be unfamiliar with the plays of William Shakespeare?
Holmes: You’ll forgive me Watson, as I’ve mentioned before, I only fill my head with facts relevant to my work.
Watson: But Holmes, you quote from Shakespeare constantly!
Holmes: Do I?
Watson: Yes. “The Game’s afoot!”
Holmes: Is it? Where’s my pipe?
Holmes: Don’t worry, I’ll find another one. There’s probably one inside of my slipper.
Watson: My advice to the young lady would be as follows: I live with Sherlock Holmes. I’m sure you’ll find a way to deal with your situation.
Loving Son Writes:
Dear Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson,
Father’s Day is rapidly approaching and I’ve still yet to select a gift for my father. I’m a loving son, though I have been absent from my father’s life in his later years, owing to his tendency to whack me with a croquet mallet whenever I utter the phrase “Lobsters are for lovers.” In any case, my father is the sort of man who has everything, and as such very difficult to buy for. His interests range from NASCAR drivers to garter belts. What do you recommend?
Holmes: My father also shared a love of garter belts, so I sympathize in your difficulty in selecting a gift. However, I would like to point out that Father’s Day is the perfect opportunity to question the legitimacy of your birthright. After giving him the perfect gift, his defenses will be down, and you can ask him the real question on your mind: who is my real father?
Watson: Wait, Holmes. Why do you suppose this chap’s father is a fake?
Holmes: Watson, for one thing, I look nothing like my father. The nose is all wrong. For another thing, my mother would frequently show me photographs of her “best friend in France” who was supposedly a painter. Now, as you know I have artistic leanings, and I certainly don’t get that from the imposter who claims to be my biological father.
Watson: But Holmes old boy, we were discussing what this man should purchase for Father’s Day! What does your own lineage have to do with it?
Holmes: Watson, you are quite right. Where would I be without you to keep my course true? Now, kindly hand me that croquet mallet.
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