So, now that the weekend is over and everyone has finally stopped crying over Up (come on, you know you did), it’s time to take a look at some movie news that should start the waterworks all over again. Is there a movie or TV show from your childhood that you cherish? A franchise that you think has come to a well-deserved close? A film that you thought had done something well enough to not need a remake? Well, aren’t you silly. Where’s Waldo, Alien, Barbarella, and Clash of the Titans are all on the chopping block. Plus, the G.I. Joe TV spot you didn’t know you hadn’t seen, and Bryan Singer whines. (Some more.)
* The picture above is not a mistake: they’re making a Where’s Waldo movie. Universal Pictures is quick to note that it will be family-friendly, in case you were hoping for some hardcore Waldo action. (If you were, please don’t tell me.) This is possibly the worst movie idea since Ridley Scott decided to make a movie about Monopoly. It is, sadly, not the worst idea in this column.
* Speaking of Ridley Scott ruining everything, he is currently in the process of rebooting Alien. He will produce but not direct, in a transparent attempt to avoid the fannish Shame Squads who will trail his every move from this day onward, peering at him through a haze of his own atmospheric smoke effects, their baleful stares silently condemning what he has done to one of the few good movies he’s ever made.
* By those standards, this is good news: the Barbarella remake, which died on the operating table with director Robert Rodriguez, is being picked up by Robert Luketic. He directed Legally Blonde. A source close to the project says it will be a space adventure “with a sexy twist.” Really? In a Barbarella movie? Look at you rockin’ the boat, Luketic!
* And we’re not done with the recycling. Kurt Wimmer is writing a reboot of Total Recall. Wimmer previously wrote the screenplay for the hypnotically uneven Equilibrium. One can only hope that he brings the same sort of narrative mastery to Total Recall that he did in Equilibrium, when you meet the omnipotent bad guy in the last three minutes of the movie and he is immediately dispatched. (This reboot is going to be amazing, isn’t it?)
* Perhaps jealous of Ryan Reynolds and his intimate involvement with the Deadpool movie, Bryan Singer goes on the record as saying he’s sad not to be a part of the X-Men franchise any more. Not that he’d even want to direct another X-Men movie; he’s just saying he misses it, and he’d like to, but he doesn’t need to, so everything is fine; don’t you worry about him, you kids just go out and have a good time, he’ll find some ramen or something in the cupboard, it’s no big deal.
* Clash of the Titans doesn’t necessarily need a remake; however, of all the movies here, it’s the one that might actually benefit from a reboot, since there was plenty of room for improvement in the original. (PuhLENTY.) And even if it’s not better, it at least gives us an idea of the iconic British actors of our day who are still willing to wear togas: Ralph Fiennes and Liam Neeson, I am looking at you.
* You know, I was going to make fun of this G.I. Joe TV spot, but after all that other reboot blasphemy, this trailer seems like a work of staggering genius. At least you get a shot of Christopher Eccleston in a vest, which is already better cinematic quality than I could have supposed from this thing.
(Waldo is in the very bottom left corner, next to the Hair Dryer Alien.)