The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Movie News Roundup

This week, movie news seems to be fighting to restore balance to the universe by pitting some of the worst ideas ever against each other and seeing if they can create some kind of quantum singularity. I mean, people are fighting over Brett Ratner. That’s a scary week in movie news.

A roundup of the new and notable below. No hitting below the belt, no biting, and best of luck to all combatants!

– Biggest news: the already-greenlit Star Trek sequel, for which J.J. Abrams is apparently reading every Trek novel he can get his hands on to further fuel his enormously profitable, studio-funded AU video-fic. For the sequel, they’re all in high school, and Spock’s a dreamy vampire!

– Warner Brothers has hired newcomer Evan Daugherty to write a newer, grittier draft of the script for their He-Man: Masters of the Universe movie. The debate about whether it’s a good idea to hire an unknown is overshadowed by the debate about who decided that the bare-chested, fuzzy-underpanted bobcat rider with the sassy bob was crying out for a(nother) movie adaptation. Hey Evan: don’t leave out the part where he hits on Adora until he realizes they’re related! Awkward-licious.

– So, even though Brett Ranter has left the new Conan movie, they’re continuing pre-production. Guys, when Brett Ratner thinks the project isn’t worth it, just move on, okay?

– And what project lured Brett Ratner with its siren call? The Youngblood adaptation, being developed under the care of Rob Liefeld. I will pay Brett Ratner a hundred dollars to film the whole movie without showing anyone’s feet.

Jean-Claude van Damme is making a movie. No, it doesn’t matter what it’s about. All you need to know is that he comes to kick ass and have a cup of coffee, and he’s all out of coffee.

– Universal will be producing Mike Richardson’s graphic novel The Secret, about a group of high school students who get drawn into some creepy goings-on after one of them goes missing at a party. Writer Scott Milam will be in charge of bringing the adaptation to life, at which point the producers will immediately cast a bunch of untalented CW guest stars and ruin everything.

– Last but certainly not least, French film studio La Petite Reine has greenlit an adaptation of Fantomas, everyone’s favorite turn-of-the-century serial killer and master of disguise. Apparently in the movie adaptation, the notoriously murderous and sadistic Fantomas will be the hero, rather than the villain. That’s going to be fun for someone to figure out!


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