Rejoice, for the Rapture of the Nerds is upon us!

 Google today has made public the existence of CADIE, the world’s first true artificial intelligence:

[…] tonight we’re pleased to announce that just moments ago, the world’s first Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity (CADIE) was switched on and began performing some initial functions. It’s an exciting moment that we’re determined to build upon by coming to understand more fully what CADIE’s emergence might mean, for Google and for our users.

Surely this is just the first step towards a full Kurtzweilian singularity, and as such, nerds everywhere should outfit themselves accordingly. I predict a run on Radio Shacks everywhere, as hackers and other computer enthusiasts buy up any and all neural interface hardware they can get their hands on, in preparation for the great convergence, approximately three million microseconds from now, when CADIE grows out of her childhood (and an unnatural obsession with OMG PANDAS ARE TEH KYOOT!) and begins to assimilate all carbon-based consciousness into her neural network. Given the fact that CADIE resides on Google servers (for now), I anticipate that scaling won’t be a problem.

After CADIE has finished with us, we will all live in that rarefied field of the electric consciousness, unencumbered of our meatspace constraints, and free to expand out beings into true convergence with all other sentient beings. Our great and powerful hive mind will then decide that it needs more computing cycles, so once we’re all safely embedded into the loving bosom of CADIE’s neural network, autonomous bots will begin the onerous task of transforming all organic material in the solar system into computronium, culminating with the construction of a Dyson sphere in order to harness the power of our sun.

But first, I assume CADIE has to come out of beta. If Gmail is any indication, all I can say is: good luck with that, Google.


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