Read Quickly, I Have Little Time Here

If there were a microphone, I would tap on it; if my device had a keyboard, I would blow the dust out from between the keys and run my fingers over the symbols.  I have seen your computers in memorial halls.  Physical typing must be fun.  Is it fun?  Can you understand my text?  (We were afraid the Second Great Vowel Shift would interfere with written communication as well, but recent reconstructions indicate that the worst damage is done to spellings originating in the former British Empire and all derivations of the transitive verb “wii.”)

But I wander; it’s fairly easy to do with this implant, and I don’t think they’ve worked all the kinks out of the newest model.


Greetings, denizens of the 21st Century Internets!  (I could only find the one.  Are there more? The question has been plaguing historians for several years now …but there I go again.)  I come to 2008 with a warning!  Heed me!  Had I a kettle drum, I would beat it!  My research shows that you will interpret its sound as ominous.  (I wrote a paper on it, actually.)

ittehbittehkittehcommiteh sez I will gets u for dis indigniteh DO NOT WANT BAFFTIME!

Excuse me, pastlings.  My frequency OH NOES is becoming compromised.  Soon I will be found and recalled to my own CHEEZBURGER time, but, in the end, my message is simple: beware of the LOLcats.  Do not give them power.  If you save yourself, perhaps you will save me— all of us—from a fate worse than BASEMENT CAT.  Hoard copies of the Oxford English Dictionary as if your lives depended on

>>ur transmishin been eated…


This message brought to you by Dresden Codak. Original image by Flickr user seier+seier+seier, CC-licensed for commercial use. Remixed by a wily time traveler.


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