You wouldn’t like him when he’s angsty

Let us not waste time, friends. Have some Jackman:

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE HD

It ought to be against the law to wussify Wolverine. Do they not know their audience at all? People don’t go to see a movie about a guy with an  800 pound metal skeleton and foot-long indestructible claws because they care about his daddy issues or his dead girlfriend. The entire trailer could have been one long FX shot of Wolverine’s claws sliding out from between his knuckles, and people would still have paid $12 for The Day the Earth Stood Still just to see it. One good snikt! is all it takes. The rest of the movie could feature Hugh Jackman in a tutu; it would still make $100 million its opening weekend.

Perhaps this trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine has been dumbed down so as not to challenge the type of viewer who would be attending the execrable remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Except that doesn’t make any sense because the previously leaked Comic Con footage had a much more direct narrative for the hard-of-head to follow:

Granted, the people who cut the new trailer must have known that the Comic Con trailer had leaked months ago, so good on them for trying to put something new out there. They are at least demonstrating that they are aware of some internet traditions. However, while they managed to coordinate around this “leak” thing, they somehow missed the roughly five billion fan sites dedicated to the storied rivalry that appears—from the old footage, at least—to be at the heart of their movie.

Wolverine vs. Sabretooth is a legendary grudge match. But even if you don’t know that, the Comic Con footage makes it clear: we love Hugh Jackman; Liev Schreiber (playing Sabretooth) is a total dick. (They are both, nonetheless, badass.) The new trailer keeps Sabretooth—and the audience—in the dark. All we know is that there is a war! Thwarted love! Torturous memories! It could be Atonement. With mutants. If Keira Knightly shows up, I’m burning down Fox Studios.