Tue
Apr 1 2014 9:00am

Spoilers For Every Book Ever

Superman is Clark Kent Batman illustration by Sergio Aragones

Look at you! There’s no time to read. You have decisions to make! Like “what do I become if not an astronaut?” and “how is internet formed?”

But you are so popular! Like George McFly after “Earth Angel” is done playing! And everyone else reads. And it’s all they ever want to talk about. (So boring!)

Don’t worry! We relate. Here is a list of book spoilers for science fiction and fantasy books (and others) so you can feel like king of the party. Always know what everyone is talking about!

 

All spoilers are sorted alphabetically by author!

 

Spoilers

Suzanne Collins

  • The Hunger Games: Katniss and Peeta win.
  • Catching Fire: Katniss and Peeta win.
  • Mockingjay: Katniss and Peeta win. Winning sucks.

 

Spoilers

Cory Doctorow

  • Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom: Internets will 1.) Let us never die. 2.) Make everything kind of boring as a result.
  • Eastern Standard Tribe: If you lived your life separated from your physical geography people might think you’re insane. You are. A little bit.
  • Someone Comes to Town, Someone Leaves Town: Sometimes you just have to experience a story yourself.
  • Little Brother: LOL u hav n0 rights.
  • Makers: Makers are neat.
  • For the Win: Online economies are neat, too.
  • Pirate Cinema: Is this about all the Game of Thrones we’ve been downloading? Listen, HBO, if you made the series easily purchasable we wouldn’t be having this discussion. You’ve got to meet us halfway here, because the only other option is to cut you out of the equation entirely.
  • Homeland: LOL u still hav n0 rights.

 

Spoilers Steven Erikson

Steven Erikson

  • Gardens of the Moon: Who are all these Malazan jerks, and why are they fighting an ice troll giant from back in time? Life is suffering.
  • Deadhouse Gates: Where did the jerks from book one go, why is there so much sand, and how come everyone is ten animals? Life is massacre.
  • Memories of Ice: My favorite jerk from book one is back, with way more new jerks! NOOOOOO WHISKEYJACK NOOOO! NOOO BRIDGEBURNERS NOOOO! Life is grief.
  • House of Chains: Whoa, this new Karsa Orlong jerk is really tall. And he's back in the desert. No one does not hate this desert. Life is slavery.
  • Midnight Tides: YOU HAD AN ENTIRE THIRD CONTINENT FULL OF JERKS? Although this one economy-destroying jerk is pretty charming. Why is this jerk covered in coins? Life is capitalism is suffering
  • The Bonehunters: Ooo, I like this new Malazan army the Bonehunters, even if they're back in the desert. WAIT NO THAT CITY IS ON FIRE WHY IS IT ON FIRE?! Life is fire.
  • Reaper's Gale: This jerkish regime is not doing very well against the capitalists. I think the coin-guy was a metaphor. HEY THE MALAZANS SHOWED UP TO KICK HIS METAPHORICAL BUTT! Life is metaphor.
  • Toll the Hounds: Mostly about dogs, who are jerks. Adorable lop-eared jerks. Life is dogs.
  • Dust of Dreams: Everyone walks forever, and everything is miserable, and no one will survive the crushing weight of our history of atrocities. Life is bummer.
  • The Crippled God: The bad guy was the victim the whole time. I'm going to miss these jerks so much. Life is worth living (despite all the jerks.)

 

Spoilers

Neil Gaiman

  • Neverwhere: London is made of under-culture.
  • Stardust: Stars are made of snark.
  • The Graveyard Book: Your family is made of ghosts.
  • Coraline: Your mother is made of buttons.
  • American Gods: Gods are made of stories.
  • Anansi Boys: Gods are still made of stories.
  • The Sandman: Everything is made of stories.
  • The Ocean at the End of the Lane: Anyone who tells you they know what this is about is lying.

 

Spoilers

Robert Jordan

  • New Spring: The prophesied savior of the world might have just been born but you’re kind of busy with grad school, so...
  • The Eye of the World: Rand al’Thor discovers he is the prophesied savior of the world.
  • The Great Hunt: Turns out the hunt isn’t all that great.
  • The Dragon Reborn: Rand al’Thor is really not into being the prophesied savior of the world but then he is.
  • The Shadow Rising: There’s an entire civilization hiding in a huge desert and they are super into the Dragon Reborn.
  • The Fires of Heaven: Moiraine dies HA HA just kidding no one in this series ever dies.
  • Lord of Chaos: It’s not a romance novel about a sigil-wearing heiress shirking her societal demands to have a tawdry affair with a bucksome cattle rustler.
  • A Crown of Swords: That point in your quest where you take a break to do side-quests? This.
  • The Path of Daggers: Summer finally ends and everyone starts heading back to school.
  • Winter’s Heart: Rand al’Thor and his friends cleanse the taint from saidin and it doesn’t make any sense but we get a huge fight out of it so it ends up being pretty satisfying.
  • Crossroads of Twilight: The novelization of the computer desktop spinny wheel.
  • Knife of Dreams: The cannon becomes canon.
  • The Gathering Storm: The end of the world is here and everyone is off da CHAIN. Especially Rand, who almost destroys the world.
  • Towers of Midnight: OMG Slayer stop you were never all that well-realized a character and it’s too late now.
  • A Memory of Light: The end.

 

Spoilers

C.S. Lewis

  • The Magician’s Nephew: This is the first one.
  • The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: Or is this the first one?
  • The Horse and His Boy: Did Lion-Jesus just try to eat a horse?
  • Prince Caspian: Seriously, which book is the first book?
  • The Voyage of the Dawn Treader: Is the boat Jesus?
  • The Silver Chair: Puddleglum is Jesus.
  • The Last Battle: Everyone is Jesus.

 

Spoilers

George R. R. Martin

  • A Game of Thrones: Ned dies. Dragons are real.
  • A Clash of Kings: Renly dies. Melisandre’s powers are real.
  • A Storm of Swords: Robb dies. Catelyn dies. [Highlight for actual spoilers] Joffrey dies. Shae dies. Tywin dies. Catelyn reverse-dies. [end]
  • A Feast For Crows: Everything is sadness and no one ever gets what they want or deserve.
  • A Dance With Dragons: [Highlight for actual spoilers] Daenerys gets so bored she straight up leaves the book halfway through. [end]
  • The Winds of Winter: But everyone’s starting to come back together now, right? I mean, they all seemed to be heading that way at the end of the last book...
  • A Dream of Spring: No. There is no happy ending to this.

 

Spoilers

Herman Melville

  • Moby Dick: The whale did it.

 

Spoilers

Stephenie Meyer

  • Twilight: Bored? Try vampire!
  • New Moon: Bored? Try werewolf!
  • Eclipse: Bored? Try taunting the Volturi to kill you!
  • Breaking Dawn: Bored? Try marriage and having a baby and then your creepy werewolf friend promises to love your baby forever and auuuuugghhhhhh.

 

Spoilers

Philip Pullman

  • His Dark Materials: There was some literary debate about whether John Milton was on God or Lucifer’s side when he wrote Paradise Lost. C.S. Lewis said “God, obvs,” and wrote the Chronicles of Narnia. Philip Pullman was all, “Pfft, Lewis just never understood that the Devil has the best tunes” and wrote the His Dark Materials trilogy. You’re welcome.

 

Spoilers

Veronica Roth

  • Divergent: You are all five factions you unique diamond you.
  • Insurgent: But you don’t all get along even after you admit that.
  • Allegiant: It was all your great-grandma’s fault.

 

Spoilers

J.K. Rowling

  • Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone: Professor Quirrell has Voldemort on the back of his skull. Nicholas Flamel is forced to give up eternal life because the best-guarded wizard building in the world has tests that can be navigated by children.
  • Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Ginny Weasley cries to Tom Riddle’s diary, never suspecting that having a boyfriend in a book might be a problem. Gilderoy Lockhart is fakey-fake.
  • Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Sirius is innocent, Professor Lupin is a werewolf, Snape hates them both.
  • Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Cedric dies, Voldemort returns, Mad-Eye Moody is actually Barty Crouch, Jr. Everyone assumes Harry wants to enter a tournament that he might die in because he’s good at Quidditch? Then it turns out Cedric isn’t actually dead. Nah, just kidding, that kid is toast.
  • Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Sirius falls through a curtain and dies.
  • Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Snape finally gets to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts and is also the Half-Blood Prince, which Harry cannot figure out even when he has his diary-textbook on hand. Dumbledore dies. Draco gets browbeaten into doing evil stuff.
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Lots of people die, including Harry, who lives again because LOVE. Voldemort over. Everyone who’s still alive gets married and lives happily ever after. Unless you listen to J.K. Rowling and Emma Watson, who worry that Ron is not satisfying Hermione spiritually.
  • Harry Potter and the Casual Vacancy: The shit? This is the worst Harry Potter book ever. He’s not even in it.

 

Spoilers

Brandon Sanderson

  • Elantris: Like Beetlejuice but less musical numbers.
  • Mistborn: Kelsier’s funtimes caper was going great! He taught Vin how to be a Mistborn. Then he died. Maybe Vin was the hero all along!
  • The Well of Ascension: Man, the Lord Ruler made his job look so easy. Vin probably isn’t the hero; the idea of being the hero was a trap. Elend gets powers!
  • The Hero of Ages: Vin becomes God, Elend dies, Vin kills God, Vin dies, Sazed inherits the Earth.
  • The Alloy of Law: Bullet time: the western.
  • Warbreaker: Every one is super high, even the sword.
  • The Way of Kings: After nine hundred pages of build-up and backstory, Kaladin gets his powers on and saves Dalinar’s butt.
  • Words of Radiance: Kaladin mopes for 500 more pages, then gets his power back on and saves Dalinar’s butt. You all had BETTER be sorry for thinking Shallan was boring!
  • The Emperor’s Soul: The Emperor’s Soul is missing. Is Shai a bad enough dude to make him a new one? Yes she is.
  • The Rithmatist: You’re not a wizard, Harry Rithmatist, Joel.
  • Steelheart: Whatever Steelheart’s weakness is, it sure isn’t love. Or steel.

 

Spoilers

John Scalzi

  • Old Man’s War: Old man fights war.
  • The Ghost Brigade: Old man adopts child.
  • The Last Colony: Old man fights space werewolves.
  • Zoe’s Tale: Old man’s adopted daughter watches old man fight space werewolves.
  • The Human Division: Meanwhile, back on Earth...
  • Fuzzy Nation: Little Fuzzy Reloaded
  • Redshirts: It was all a dream.

 

Spoilers

J.R.R. Tolkien

  • The Fellowship of the Ring: Boromir dies. Gandalf dies. The Fellowship splits up immediately, with Frodo and Sam taking the One Ring and fleeing.
  • The Two Towers: Come on, you saw the movies, you know how this goes.
  • The Return of the King: You know what I want the Hobbit movies to explain? Why the eagles thought they were too top-shelf to fly everyone to Mount Doom so Sauron could be destroyed before he ravaged the lands of men. “Sorry! We’re here! Do you need us to rescue Sam and Frodo from lava?” Too late, eagles. Too late.

 

David Foster Wallace

  • Infinite Jest: Let’s just jump in here and assume that you know about Infinite Jest: it’s a massive book, like all-of-Dune-combined massive, and there’s been this long-standing mostly, if-we’re-being-honest, straw man argument about whether or not it’s sci-fi or lit-fic (like genre actually means anything anymore, right?) but so it’s gained this reputation, like a John-Bender-esque reputation, w/r/t its length, its difficulty, its Byzantine sentences, its endnotes¹, and its nigh-OCD cataloging of addiction, entertainment options, phobias, tennis strategies, &co &co., ad nauseam, ad infinitum jestum, but really basically it’s just a longer version of The Ring.

    ¹Many people call them footnotes. We try to avoid those people at parties².

    ²We are pathologically skilled at avoiding people at parties, having perfected the scurry-without-looking shuffle, the intense-drink-focus stare³, and the petting-host’s-dog-incessantly barrier.

    ³We recommend dabbling in physics and chemistry in order to make this more interesting. A drink is just a drink until you can imagine it flash-freezing due to lack of nucleation sites within the glass. Then a drink is a magical adventure and you don’t have to give up on staring and go talk about Orange is the New Black because you haven’t watched Orange is the New Black. You hear it’s good.

 

Spoilers

Oscar Wilde

  • The Picture of Dorian Gray: Wanting to be young and hot forever is a terrible idea, especially if you’ve got artistic friends.

 

Wow! Now you can party chat with the best of them! Look at all the things you know about science fiction and fantasy books, some of which aren’t even out yet! You are definitely a smart one and we will catch you later WINK.

That is definitely all the authors, too. No one will ever comment below with additional authors or their own spoilers.


Stubby the Rocket is the mascot of Tor.com, the often random voice of its staff, and an inspiration to partygoers everywhere.

56 comments
OgreMkV
1. OgreMkV
A point of order, "The Old Man" isn't actually in The Ghost Brigades.

Correctly, it's a military leader who is 7 years old rescues an orhpan, then adopts the orphan (who is older than she is) along with her 75 year-old- boyfriend.
Carl Engle-Laird
2. CarlEngle-Laird
@2 "Young man steals war from old man, fights it."
Julia S
3. TwistedDream
oh, Stubby..I love you. Lost my shit at:

"Harry Potter and the Casual Vacancy: The shit? This is the worst Harry Potter book ever. He’s not even in it."
OgreMkV
4. AshleyCrow
I love you.
Luis Milan
6. LuisMilan
Isaac Asimov
Foundation - Psychohistory is so awesome, Hari Seldon can predict how humanity will behave for the next 30 centuries. Also, he'll claim credit for whatever solutions they come up with in the future for their problems.

Foundation and Empire - Psychohistory is actually not so awesome after all, if a mutant clown can screw up centuries of work in a matter of weeks.

Second Foundation - Psychohistory is so passé. Telepathy is where it's at, now!
OgreMkV
7. Dr. Cox
Milton on Satan's side? Nah . . . on Boredom's i.e. "We already know what happened the original is a lot shorter why do we have to read Milton's version?" which is what I wanted to ask my prof but didn't lol.
The HP spoilers . . . . lol.
Silmarillion SPOILERS: world-building, elves quarrel, jewelry stolen, some jewelry reclaimed.
Nick Hlavacek
8. Nick31
David Weber
Safehold
- Off Armageddon Reef: Earth destroyed, humanity relocated. Android leads early level gunpowder navy to victory on new planet.
- By Schism Rent Asunder: Android leads early level gunpowder navy to victory on new planet.
- By Heresies Distressed: Android leads early level gunpowder navy to victory on new planet.
- A Mighty Fortress: Android leads early level gunpowder army to victory on new planet.
- How Firm A Foundation: Android leads early level gunpowder army to victory on new planet.
- Midst Toil and Tribulation: Android leads early level gunpowder army to victory on new planet.
- Like A Mighty Army: Android leads early level gunpowder army to victory on new planet.

Honor Harrington series
- On Basilisk Station: Honor wins
- The Honor of the Queen: Honor wins
- The Short Victorious War: Honor wins
- Field of Dishonor: Honor wins
- Flag in Exile: Honor wins
- Honor Among Enemies: Honor wins
- In Enemy Hands: Honor wins
- Echoes of Honor: Honor wins
- Ashes of Victory: Honor wins
- War of Honor: Honor wins
- At All Costs: Honor wins

- Mission of Honor: Honor wins
- A Rising Thunder: Honor wins
Dixon Davis
9. KadesSwordElanor
Brain Jacques

Redwall Series: Animals use weapons. OMG I am hungry.
OgreMkV
11. Tal
Just curious, how does Rand cleansing the taint not make sense?
Nathan Martin
12. lerris
The question of the Flying Eagles is a particularly annoying one to me. Mostly because it shouldn't even be asked.

The Eagles didn't enter Mordor until the Ring was destroyed, and the Flying Nazgul neutralized. In order to get to Mount Doom, Frodo and Sam relied on stealth to slip through Mordor's military machine. The "fly in by Eagle and hope Sauron doesn't see us" strategy is just reducing the odds of success.
A.J. Bobo
13. Daedylus
Crossroads of Twilight: The novelization of the computer desktop spinny wheel.

Yes. This. Totally. The best description of that book that has ever existed.

(I really love The Wheel of Time, but this book just didn't do it for me.)
Rob Munnelly
14. RobMRobM
Vorkosigan Saga

Shards: Mixed Marriage
Barrayar: Collateral Damage
Warrior's: Birth of an Army
Mountains: Mother from Hell
Cetaganda: Haut Crush
Vor Game: Lost Emperor
Borders: Naked Breakout
Brothers: Discoveries
Labyrinth: Finding Beauty
Mirror: On the Mark
Memory: Seizing New Opportunity
Komarr: Crush II
Civil: No Parking
Winterfair: Mutant on Guard
Diplomatic: Ba-room Brawl
Cryoburn: Chilly Reception
Captain Vorpatril: Meet the Parents
Stefan Raets
15. Stefan
The ones for Erikson made me laugh out loud.

Midnight Tides: YOU HAD AN ENTIRE THIRD CONTINENT FULL OF JERKS?

Awesome.
Emmet O'Brien
16. EmmetAOBrien
Too late, eagles. Too late.

I get very tired of this particular cheap shot.

Gwaihir the Ringlord is one of the worst failure modes ever.
OgreMkV
17. JReynolds
The question of the Flying Eagles is a particularly annoying one to me. Mostly because it shouldn't even be asked.
True! Also, wouldn't it be funny if Gwaihir the Windlord was corrupted by the Ring on the way to Mordor? He'd just have to dump Frodo from 1000 feet, pick up the Ring from Frodo's remains, and usher in a wonderful era of peace and prosperity for all winged creatures.


(All winged creatures named Gwaihir, that is.)
OgreMkV
18. JReynolds
Looks like EmmetAOBrien beat me to it. Should have auto-refreshed before posting...
OgreMkV
19. Terri Q
Love them all, but my favorites are the Neil Gaimen spoilers!
Kevin Svendsen
20. Vine34
The Alloy of Law: Bullet time: the western.

Best. Description. Ever.
Thomas Thatcher
21. StrongDreams
I'm pretty sure the eagles (or at least the giant talking Eagles) are the heralds of Manwë, or something, and are kind of forbidden or at least discouraged from helping the mortals too much.
Nadine L.
22. travyl
So much fun, thank you.
There sure are a lot of jerks in the Malazan world.
OgreMkV
23. Päivi
Re: eagles. I'm bothered that no one actually ever considers the real question here: If the eagles only flew into Mordor *after* the ring had ended in the lava, they'd have to have supersonic speed to make it all the way from the border to the Mt Doom in time to save Frodo from the repercussions. I mean seriously, look at the map, the distance is huge. It'd take a bird, no matter how big, several days to fly that distance.

And now I feel like a character from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, discussing the relative speed of swallows. Great.
Derek Broughton
25. auspex
@9 Loved your spoiler for Redwall. Unfortunately, its better than the blurb for the first book.

For all those who don't get the whole problem with the Eagles (no, it's not a cheap shot), it really doesn't matter if using the Eagles to get into Mordor would have worked or not (it wouldn't). The problem is that the man who wrote "On Fairy Stories" and knew damn well that fairy stories not only didn't need to have a happy ending, but frequently don't, insisted on using Middle Earth's major deus ex machina to force a happy ending for Frodo and Sam. Sucks. At least if using the Eagles to get in had been discussed, there'd have been some valid reason for using them to get out.
OgreMkV
27. J Town
"The Hunger Games: Katniss and Peeta win.
Catching Fire: Katniss and Peeta win.
Mockingjay: Katniss and Peeta win. Winning sucks."

This is awesome. Also why I hate the third book in this series.
OgreMkV
30. AlyxL
There's another explanation as to why using the eagles may not be a great idea here;

http://oglaf.com/ornithology/
Chris Nelly
31. Aeryl
Now, Stubby, you DO realize people are going to think this post is in keeping the holiday spirit envinced elsewhere today on this site, right?
OgreMkV
32. Tolkein is Overrated
Re: the flying eagles, so the eagles couldn't have flown them right up to freaking mordor?? 900 pages of going up a mountain, down a mine, fighting a spider fighting an orc, all eliminated by: and then they got on the eagles and flew to Cirith Ingol.
OgreMkV
33. kittent
What, no Heinlein or Asimov?
Rob Munnelly
34. RobMRobM
For Asimov, see @6.

For Heinlein:

Time Enough for Love: Non-Incest is Best.
Moon is a Harsh Mistress: Rockin Revolution
...
OgreMkV
35. Richard A. Polunsky
Also for Heinlein:
Stranger in a Strange Land: Organized religion is a crock, but it's fun if you're the one organizing it.
OgreMkV
36. SteveL
Re: flying to Mount Doom on the eagles: Ringwraiths on flying mounts make for some pretty decent AA defense.

Giant eagles flying into Mordor are unusual enough to be noticed and to attract the attention of at least one Ringwraith. If they were able to defeat that one, others would come to see what was strong enough to defeat one. If they fled, that Ringwraith might learn that the Ring was back in play and that WOULD attract all nine of them.

The only way the Eagle trip would work is if the Eagles were faster than the Ringwraith mounts, or if they could make the trip in secret. Birds large enough to carry dwarves/hobbits/humans aren't exactly easy to hide, though (although with elven blankets to use for camouflage during the day ... hmm.) so you're left with a race to the volcano. I don't know if it's stated who's faster: Nazgul flying mounts or giant Eagles.
OgreMkV
37. bdj
You forgot Good Omens under Neil Gaiman -
Shamelessly stealing from Book-A-Minute here, but:
"Five billion people almost DIE, and it is FUNNY."
Sudo Nym
38. Shakerag
"Warbreaker: Every one is super high, even the sword."

I chuckled over that one.
OgreMkV
39. Stromgard
House of Night (the first eleven books).

The Nerd Herd:

Zoey: is human, becomes fledgeling, is Spirit, becomes High Priestess, get her soul shattered, gets it put together again, goes evil, then goes good, dates Stark, used to date Erik, used to date Loren, used to date Heath, likes brown pop

Aphrodite: is fledgeling, is (seen as) evil, becomes good, becomes Propethess, becomes human, becomes Earth for awhile, becomes Spirit for awhile, dates Darius, used to date Erik, is a good-hearted mean bitch

Stevie Rae: is fledgeling, is good, becomes Earth, dies, comes back, becomes evil, becomes good, becomes vampyre, becomes High Priestess, dates Rephaim, used to date Dallas, is a country gal with horrible fashion sense

Damien: is fledgeling, is good, becomes Air, dated Jack until he died, is the heart of the Nerd Herd

Erin: is fledgeling, is Twin, is good, becomes Water, becomes evil, dies and becomes good at the same time, dated Dallas when she died, was sorta vain and shallow and kinda mean to people she felt deserved it

Shaunee: is fledgeling, is Twin, is good, becomes Fire, is sorta vain and shallow but very kind

Jack: is fledgeling, is super-super good, dies very sadly, dated Damien when he died

Shaylin: is human, is blind, is good, becomes fledgeling and can see again, becomes Prophetess, becomes Water

Other recurring characters:

Heath: is human, is good, dies, helps Zoey while dead (eventually), gets reborn(-ish) as Aurox, used to date Zoey

Erik: is fledgeling, is good, becomes vampyre, becomes Tracker, used to date Aphrodite, used to date Zoey, is a jerk with serious girlfriend issues

Stark: is fledgeling, is good, dies, comes back, becomes evil, becomes good and vampyre and Zoey's Warrior at the same time, rescues Zoeys soul, dates Zoey, is afraid of handbags

Kramisha: is fledgeling, is good, dies, comes back, becomes evil, becomes good, becomes Poet Laureate

Dallas: is fledgeling, is good, dies, comes back, becomes evil, becomes good, becomes evil, dies, dated Erin until her death, used to date Stevie Rae, used to date Nicole

Loren: is vampire, is Poet Laureate, is evil, dies, used to date Zoey, used to date Neferet

Nicole: is fledgeling, is good, dies, comes back, becomes evil, becomes good, used to date Dallas

Darius: is vampire, is good, becomes Aphrodite's Warrior, dates Aphrodite

Lenobia: is vampire, is good, dates Travis

Travis: is human, is good, is Lenobias lover reborn, dates Lenobia

Dragon: is vampire, is good, becomes conflicted, becomes good, dies, was married to Anastasia when she died

Anastasia: is vampire, is good, dies, was married to Dragon when she died

Rephaim: is raven mocker (like all sons of Kalona), is evil, becomes good, becomes human by night and raven by day, dates Stevie Rae

Aurox: is something, is undecided, becomes good

Kalona: is fallen angel, is really evil, becomes good (supposedly), used to date Nyx, used to date Neferet, tried to date Zoey, has huge brother issues

Thanathos: is vampire, is High Priestess, is good (sorta)

Neferet: is vampire, is High Priestess, is extremely evil, gets fired, becomes an evil immortal goddess, used to date Loren, used to date Kalona

Erebus: is angel, is (perhaps) good, dates Nyx, is a jerk, has huge brother issues

Nyx: is Goddess, is good, dates Erebus, used to date Kalona

Darkness: is a white bull, is super-super-evil, is disgusting

Light: is a black bull, is super-super-good, is awesome and beautiful

Also, everyone has issues with everyone else's behaviour and attitude, everyone has trust issues with everyone else, and the good people lie to each other. A lot. Welcome to high school. There is also a lot of attitude, and sharp, pointy comments. Again, welcome to high school.There are also horses. And cats. Lots and lots of cats. And a dog. And some people gets supernaturally bonded with others, and there is a lot of propecies and visions and dreams, a lot of fighting and a lot of killing. Most of the good people that dies gets killed by other good people that was evil at the time. It's complicated.
Joe G
40. joeinformatico
More Heinlein:

Have Spacesuit, Will Travel: Have spacesuit, will travel.
The Puppet Masters: Public nudity will protect us from aliens.
Starship Troopers: Full metal jacket. "Is this gonna be a standup fight, sir, or another bughunt?" "Yes."
"The Hunger Games: Katniss and Peeta win.
Catching Fire: Katniss and Peeta win.
Mockingjay: Katniss and Peeta win. Winning sucks."

This is awesome. Also why I hate the third book in this series.
@JTown: This is why I love the third book in this series. Ah well, to each his own.
OgreMkV
41. Bej31313
Good Omens was written by Neil Gaiman and TERRY PRATCHETT!
OgreMkV
42. Jennifer R
The Rook: Amnesia totally frees your soul and gets rid of all of your emotional baggage! Also, damn, people do sick crap with their bodies.

Paladin of Souls: being granted saint's powers sucks with the wrong falconer, is much improved with the right one.

Every Stephanie Plum book ever: there's lots of shooting, explosions, destroyed cars and shooting people. Stephanie gets laid with at least one hot dude and angsts over two. Everyone in Trenton is dumber than a box of hair.

Every J.R. Robb book ever: Dallas is the best cop ever but is still having nightmares over her awful parents and sexual abuse. Her husband Roarke is the richest dude on the planet and totally hot and nice to boot. Evil jerkasses kill people and Eve puts them in a cage.

Newsflesh trilogy: zombies + evil government = destruction of several states and a lot of walking corpses. But cloning exists, so you'll end it happy.

Parasite by Mira Grant: there's more than one way to create a zombie, except this time the zombies can have smarts.
OgreMkV
43. lauren39
Do we have to wait for next year's April Fools for a sequel that covers Frank Herbert Dune novels and Zelazny's Amber series and all the Phillip K Dick books?

I am sure there are a lot more series that were missed. Anne MacCaffrey, Andre Norton, CJ CHerryh, and so on.
OgreMkV
44. Sean M
Desden Files:
Storm Front - Desden fights a warlock; Dresden wins
Fool Moon - Dreden fights werewolves; Dresden wins
Grave Peril - Dresden starts a war with vampires
Summer Knight - Dresden fights faries; Dresden wins
Death Mask - Dresden fights fallen angels; Dresden wins
Blood Rights - Dresden fights vampires; War continues
Dead Beat - Dresden fights zombies BY RIDING A ZOMBIE TREX!
Proven Guilty - Dresden fights faries, Dresden wins?
White Night - Dresden fights vampires; War continues
Small Favor - Dresden fights fallen angels; Dresden wins
Turn Coat - Dresden helps an old frenemy; War continues
Changes - Dresden wins the vampire war and then dies
Ghost Story - Sprit Dresden fights ghosts; Lives again
Cold Days - Dresden fights outsiders; Dresden wins
Skin Game - Dresden works with fallen angels then fights them

And yes, you should read them all RIGHT NOW
OgreMkV
45. bryan rasmussen
Interview with a Vampire: Old people sure like to talk don't they

The cold equations: In the future the heroes will refrigerate the women themselves.

Le Morte D'Arthur: Who were the best jousters of all time proven with statistics and you can't build a functioning society that will outlast you if it's based on who were the best jousters of all time.

The Once and Future King: Le Morte D'Arthur was totally about who were the best jousters of all time and you know you really can't build a functioning society that will outlast you if it's based on who were the best jousters of all time but I get all teary eyed thinking you could.

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's court: People who go around worrying about who are the best jousters and not being scientific can be killed by the truckload if you are ingenious enough.

The Gormenghast trilogy: Mr. Poffnoggle's umbrous collection of books and lizard sculptures collect dust in a forgotten casement of the vast and ancient architectural monstrosity you call home.
OgreMkV
46. Sparrow
Actually, the thing about the eagles IS explained in Return of the King. So you didn't read it.
David Peterson
47. drakeverdell
Gene Wolfe

The Shadow of the Torturer: Ummm... This is supposed to be really awesome...
The Claw of the Conciliator: Yeah... Everyone was talking about it...
The Sword of the Lictor: Well... I, uh, must be a little dense or something...
The Citadel of the Autarch: ... I guess I should stick to non-fiction.
Kerly Luige
48. Celebrinnen
I don't know if it actually classifies as fantasy, but since I like it ...
Celine Kiernan, The Moorehawke Trilogy:
The Poison Throne: Sometimes you return to find that ghosts and cats are outlawed
The Crowded Shadows: Pampering your kin to brutally slay them with the best intentions is the new vogue
The Rebel Prince: It's all right to create a war ending with a massacre so you can make up later
Rob Munnelly
49. RobMRobM
@44 - actually, a very good summary but you should have worked in a "Molly wins" somewhere.
OgreMkV
50. ChadLikeAfrica
Mission Earth, L. Ron Hubbard

Books 1 - 9: Alien Project Plan to expand the 'burbs. Racism, alternately anti-gay but pro-lesbian (at least for the sex until a man shows lesbians what they are missing), new technology is cool but it will set us free. Police states are run by buffons and should be made fun of often, even if in the end they are still in charge.

Book 10: Save the punch-line for the Epilogue. In 5 paragraphs. After 1.2 million words. But, the whole story was a satire anway.
OgreMkV
52. Ryan Viergutz
Revelation Space: Lots of bizarre characters get stuck on a mutant spaceship and find a planet filled with planet-killers.

The Dragon and the George: An RPG campaign where the players put their own spin on Pythonesque humor. The Auditing Department holds all the real power.

Dune: For he IS the Kwisatz Haderach!!
OgreMkV
53. ChristianH
I feel like this thread deserves some Vonnegut. I assume he would appreciate it:

-Slaughterhouse-Five: Time travel is depressing, and the fire-bombing of Dresden is vastly misunderstood by anyone who wasn't there.
-The Sirens of Titan: Omniscience is depressing, but you can use it to teach an annoying billionaire a lesson on another planet.
-Breakfast of Champions: Being a car salesman is depressing, as is sci-fi writing. Also, Kurt Vonnegut is God. *
-Cat's Cradle: The only way you're gonna marry that hot island princess is if you're the last man on Earth. Also, religion is insane.
-Mother Night: The main character totally wasn't a Nazi, except spoiler alert he might have actually been a Nazi.
-Slapstick: Twins have superpowers, but they don't work if one of them dies. Though one twin can still be smart enough to be elected president after the apocalypse.
-Timequake: Everybody has to re-live the last ten years but they can't change anything, which gives Vonnegut just enough time to write his autobiography.

Aw, now I'm sad that Kurt Vonnegut's dead :(
Drew McCaffrey
54. PallonianFire
The Black Company:

The Black Company: All the Taken Die. The Limper comes back. The Dominator wants to come back. Raven runs away with Darling. Croaker is probably screwed.

Shadows Linger: Juniper is a shit hole. Raven is crazy. The Dominator still wants to come back. More Taken die (or, you know, not). Croaker is still screwed.

The White Rose: The Black Company is screwed. The Dominator is REALLY trying to come back. Croaker is doubly screwed cuz he loves The Lady. Silent loves Darling. Raven loves Darling. Everyone betrays everyone else. The Black Company gets destroyed, and Darling and Lady lose their magic.

The Silver Spike: Raven still loves Darling. Toadkiller Dog sucks. Old Man Fish is too smart. The Limper is freaking Ishamael 4.0. Raven is stupid, especially for Darling. Case has insane luck.

Shadow Games: Croaker needs to man up. Lady is out of her element. Taglios is Cairhein all over again, except with Indian people. The Taken didn't actually all die. Especially Soulcatcher. Fuck Soulcatcher.

Dreams of Steel: Croaker is screwed (again). Don't fuck with Lady.

Bleak Seasons: LITERALLY EVERYTHING SUCKS FOR MURGEN.

She is the Darkness: Croaker and Lady are REALLY pissed. As usual, life sucks for Croaker. Murgen gets an addiction! Longshadow learns not to fuck with the Black Company. Soulcatcher remains a bitch.

Water Sleeps: Sleepy is a crafty girl. Sucks to be Soulcatcher. Croaker is back in the game. Goblin (kinda) owns Kina.

Soldiers Live: Otto and Hagop die. Croaker remains awesome. Kina and Soulcatcher are still bitches. Khatovar was a red herring. Tobo is a boss. This book has the most perfectly bittersweet ending EVER.
Rob Munnelly
55. RobMRobM
+1 for the Vonnegut. Well played! For giggles, add in the following:

Big Space Fuck - Fucking big creatures come out of lake and eat people who are busy watching fucking depressing project of shooting jizz into space.
OgreMkV
56. MeganBeckett
on the DH ending--- Emma IS on Ron/Hermione side. the whole "can ron make hermione happy? was to put herself on the shoes of people like Steve Fucking Kloves who shipped H/Hr.

but through the rest of the interview, she was the one emphasizing that Ron grew up and became a great person because he faced his greatest challenge. ("I think it makes sense to me that Ron would make friends with the most famous wizard in the school because I think life presents to you over and over again your biggest and most painful fear – until you conquer it." "She needs funny". )

so yeah it's only Rowling being a traitorous backstabber to Ron & Ron/Hermione. Not Emma.
OgreMkV
57. Stromgard
Richelle Mead:

Vampire Academy: I train to kill and try to convince people that I can be allowed to protect my best friends life.

Frostbite: I try to convince people that they should use magic to fight against evil vampires, and I try to convince people that we should go on the offensive. Then I try to stop the people I've convinced from doing what I suggested.

Shadow Kiss: I try to convince people that we should go even more on the offensive than before. Then I lose my boyfriend when they do that.

Blood Promise: I travel all over Russia to kill my evil undead boyfriend. I ultimately fail. Also, I barely manage to keep my best friend from being killed, resurrected and enslaved in my absence. But hey, it's not a total loss. I made a human friend. And found my dad. Who is a criminal vampire mastermind. But still. Also, I get to kill evil vampires. MANY evil vampires.

Spirit Bound: My evil vampire boyfriend is coming for me. And not in a good way. Yay? And I try to convince people to research how to magically save him and bring him back to life. And when they discover a method, I try to prevent them from using it. But they do it anyway. Because people don't listen to me. Can't imagine why. Welcome to my life. Oh yeah, and I get framed for murder and treason at the end of the book. Hurray.

Last Sacrifice: My friends break me out of prison and have a solid-proof plan to save my life. I stick to it for almost three hours. Then I assault my former-evil-vampire-now human-boyfriend/bodyguard and run off to find my best friends unknown sibling. And I get some vampire/half-vampire hillbilly friends. And I bring back my crazy former teacher from evil vampireness to nice vampireness. Also, I brutally murder an evil guy. That's kinda depressing. Oh, and I found out that I was framed by the real murderer, and it wasn't my enemy but one of my friends. Well, it wasn't the first time in the series that someone I liked was evil, so I guess I should have seen that one coming. And I accidentally made my best friend queen of all vampires. Oopsie. But we'll live happily ever after. Except for my other boyfriend whose heart I broke. And my human friend who I got into lots of trouble during this book. But hey, she'll get her own spin-off series. :-)

Subscribe to this thread

Receive notification by email when a new comment is added. You must be a registered user to subscribe to threads.
Post a comment