Tue
Apr 8 2014 8:50am

Game of Thrones Sex Chart is the Least Sexy Thing

Listen, we love a good sex chart, but... (Actually, wait, we are a rocket and can't fully commit to that statement. Nevermind.) ...when you chart out who has had sex with whom in the sexposition-happy Game of Thrones, it actually just ends up reminding us how terribly events turn out for the majority of the sexually active characters.

Seriously, half of these people are dead or have been otherwise, erm, punished for their proclivity. We dare you to find a happy relationship that has been allowed to continue in the below infographic.

Game of Thrones sex chart by Cool Material

Everyone is so bad at decisions in Westeros! You can see the full-size legible version over at Cool Material.

11 comments
Hammerlock
1. Hammerlock
I'd argue that Renly and Margaery never actually got it on. (and in fact, Marge argued that same bit to wed Joff)
Adam S.
2. MDNY
Oberyn Martell and Ellaria Sand are a VERY happy couple, at least until later in this season....
Patti Taylor
3. sapience14
Um, while it is true "how terribly events turn out for the majority of the sexually active characters" it seems to end pretty terribly for non-sexually-active characters, too...
Hammerlock
4. geeky247
Tyrion was involved with Tysha before Shae, right? Is she supposed to be one of the unnamed prostitutes? And was Theon castrated? I thought his penis was cut off, but not sure about the testicles. What a discussion, eh?
Hammerlock
5. Athreeren
Among the non-sexually active characters who also have awful lives, Bran is paralyzed since he was thrown out of a window, Arya went through too much horror to tell here, and Rhaego was killed before he was even born. Sansa is a special case, as her only silver lining is that she hasn't been raped (yet), and thus not being sexually active is the only good thing that has happened to her.

Regarding sexually active characters that are living good lives, I'm sure Nymeria is having some good time with her pack, but of course this is all behind the scenes... Oh, you were talking about human characters? I've got nothing.
Tom Smith
6. phuzz
Well, Littlefinger is probably sexually active (being a brothel owner and all), and he's doing just fine.
Hammerlock
7. Mordrek
Geoffry (or how ever you sell this little psycho's name) is probably the most screwed up character in this story. And he has not yet been sexually active. In fact he has tortured prostitutes for fun and to send a message to anyone who is tempted to purchase sex for him. He's not interested. Appearently sex lessens the insanity.
Church Tucker
8. Church
@4 Presumeably. The charts seems to be "as known as of the start of S03."
David Lev
9. davidlev
Podrick Payne and the three prostitutes ended pretty happily for all four of them, as I recall...
Hammerlock
10. DeNelo
The thing between Jon Snow and Ygritte down in that cave was pretty much "confirmed" and not "assumed", don't you think? Jon even says as much in S4 opening: "I lay with a wildling girl".
Hammerlock
11. HoooYea
Tyrion Lannister gets the most action in the poster!!! Hoo yea!

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