Being a waiter is a largely thankless job—anyone who has stepped foot onto a restaurant floor can attest to that. But one server figured out a way to make the humdrum day pass more smoothly: at his Olive Garden job he decided to experiment by using Doctor Who quotes when he spoke to his tables instead of the usual service industry jargon. The results are not only guffaw-worthy, but also surprisingly touching in places.
A lot of the quotes he used were lifted directly from the episode “Closing Time,” which seems logical considering the Doctor’s customer service job at the department store during that particular adventure. In addition, it does contain some great quotes to use on kids due to Alfie “Stormageddon”’s presence.
When introducing himself as the Doctor and pointing out how helpful his name badge was (so he wouldn't forget who he was), he reported that many of the tables laughed, regardless of whether or not they knew what he was quoting from. The next few quotes also went over stupendously well:
[When speaking to a baby playfully aka fishing for tips] “Oh hello! I speak baby, you know.” [baby does baby thing] “No, he’s your dad you can’t just call him ‘not mum’”
I’m met with a roar of laughter from the table, and the neighboring table, an extra 10 dollars added to my tip.
[Offering desserts (to the kids)] “You could have a slice of Triple Chocolate Strada for only $6.99 which I personally think is a bit steep. But then again, it’s your parent’s cash and they’ll only waste it on boring stuff like lamps and vegetables. Yawn!”
I actually sold every table the dessert I offered when I offered it this way. Few got the reference, the ones who understood “Hi I’m The Doctor” were completely losing their shit at this point in the meal, as I’d been dropping references all dinner.
There was one nay-sayer in the whole evening, an elderly woman who actually threatened to slap the poor guy for being strange. He gamely came back with another choice quote and got her entire family laughing, so no points to Ms. Grumpyface that day.
But the best part of this story comes in the form of one girl who was clearly a Doctor Who fan, and spent the entire evening smitten with her mysterious waiter. She later gave him her number, and left the restaurant by way of her own tear-inducing quote: “I don’t want to go.”
Guys—guys. This is potentially the best “How I met your mother” story ever. We can only hope he has already called her. This ship, as we say, sails itself. Of course, eventually Doctor-waiter’s manager caught on to some weirdness going down—
...I had to explain to my manager what I was doing. He laughed for a solid minute. Then told like half the staff. Needless to say, I am now quite the oddity at the restaurant. BUT I MADE A HELL OF A LOT OF MONEY.
There you have it—proof that Doctor Who will get you tips. In fact, it’s proof that the way the Doctor acts does indeed endear him to people he doesn’t know; most of the people this guy served clearly didn’t get the references and they were still enamored.
So the only real lesson to be learned here is that we should all spend our days tackling each humble act like our favorite Time Lord. People will love us for it, and we might end up with more cash on hand.
Read the Doctor-waiter’s whole tale on Tumblr! It’s an honest-to-Rassilon riot.
Emily Asher-Perrin wants an apple. She loves apples. Maybe she’s having a craving!