Half wrap-up and half reboot, the sixth season finale of True Blood went out in traditional cliffhanger style—leaving at least one person scratching her head and wondering if she has the fortitude to endure another season of True Blood. Current showrunner Brian Buckner has teased that there will be one major story connecting all of the characters in Bon Temps instead of this year’s disparate mess of sidelined werewolves and go-nowhere activists. So at least there’s that. The show’s been a mixed bag for several seasons, but there are always glimmers of hope, like fairy midichlorians in a puddle of dead vampire goo.
It’s going to take all of the adult content, nudity, and stunt casting in Louisiana to keep True Blood from crossing the line between soapy guilty pleasure viewing into full-blown crap. And I’m not just talking about that tired final fade to end credits.
Or New York Times bestselling debut author William Compton. WAT.
Welp, Warlow turned out to be the psycho creep everyone thought he was from the moment he was introduced as the psycho creep who murdered Sookie’s parents and returned to forcefully claim his fairy princess bride. “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal, Warlow!” you think, right before thinking “I DVR’ed Breaking Bad and Dexter for this shit?!” I mean, he even paraphrased Walter White’s infamous “I’m the one who knocks” speech when he asked Sookie “Who do you think you’re talking to?”
I was mega-disappointed in this part of the finale, in case you couldn’t tell. All season, we watched Sookie “Dangerwhore” Stackhouse wrestle with her independence, her destiny, and self-acceptance. And in the end, she was slapped around and tied to a maypole and even said “You monster!” Worst of all, she was saved at the eleventh hour by her ex. And Jason. And (yay!) Niall, who just showed up in the portal in Sookie’s bathroom at the exact right time. (Oh, the sentences this show gets me to type.) I take it she went there on purpose? Or was it just a coincidence? No one knew where Niall was for half the year. I wanted Rutger Hauer to return, but a little more explanation would’ve been nice. But when do people talk about anything important on this show? For example: when Sookie was reunited with Jason, did they talk about Niall? No. Did Jason wonder why Sookie was dressed for a funeral? No. What about Sookie’s impending wedding? Pfft. Let’s just make a joke about Violet being European.
Six months later... and Sookie is with Alcide and his haircut, clearly feeling all the feels for the reformed Bill. Will we get a new bizarre love triangle going? I’ve always maintained that Sookie was best with Bill, like Buffy was with Angel. Both were idealized loves, but if Sookie and Bill get back together after all of that bad blood, it just might mature into something real. And poor sap Alcide will be free to return to...wherever lone wolfs hang out and drink beer.
Looking for love and stability in all the wrong places, Jason’s new flame is definitely showing her true, possessive colors. His heart doesn’t seem to be into the relationship, but he’s still caught up in the intense physical chemistry between him and Violet. Or, more like, he’s in love with the idea of Violet.
Six months later... Jason’s got a really strong jaw and really blue balls. And I feel cheated we didn’t get to see any sexy Jason n’ Eric dreams.
So, it’s okay to like Bill again, right? All of his God-posturing disproportionate to his tepid Billith powers and his supreme assholery towards humans is forgiven because Jessica reminded him that without his humanity, of which Sookie has always symbolized for him, his life is meaningless. I’ll buy it. I liked Bill again in this episode. The tying up of this season’s loose ends were rushed—talk about the dizzying editing in that final Bill vs. Warlow showdown—but the reboot of Bill was almost worth it. Almost. The end of Warlow and the end of Bill’s godhood were really, really, really anticlimactic.
Six months later... Bill becomes a New York Times bestselling author. Okay, as a publishing professional, let’s not even get into the EPIC LULZ of Bill becoming a bestselling author within six months’ time. (Did he write the book in a day? Did he self-publish through Amazon? That villain! Is this a subtle clue that Bon Temps slipped into an alternate reality where a debut author can get the distribution needed to hit the list without any publisher support? Who blurbed Bill’s book? Did Neil Gaiman tweet about it a zillion times?) Okay, no, I can’t stop laughing.
Six months later... Sam sold Merlotte’s to Arlene and is the mayor of Bon Temps? What?! What insanity is this? This actually made me yell at the TV. Jumps in time can be utilized well in order to heighten suspense and mystery. Think of Lost’s flashforwards. Or how time jumps are used on Breaking Bad. A lot of fans were pissed off by the “One Year Later” on Battlestar Galactica, but I thought it was great. I didn’t want to see a season of boring things like housing being built and Viper patrols without Cylon battles. So we skipped all of that in favor of being there when the shit finally hit the fan. But the “Six Months Later” on True Blood? Lazy. A shortcut. It’s a way to reboot the show, but it’s not without making viewers feel distrustful. It’s not enough time to even justify a “how we got here” flashback episode. It’s just... “Oh, hey, we know we wrote ourselves into a mess so just forget all that and here’s what’s next.”
Roving packs of zombie vampires. That’s what’s next.
Heaven help us.
Is Tara—as she herself would put it—fucking crazy? Trusting her terrible no good mother to feed her? I am about 99% sure Tara’s mom is infected with Hep V and dosed her sinner undead lesbian daughter on purpose. I do not like the idea of Tara being victimized yet again, especially after a season of being mostly invisible.
One of the more interesting initiatives of the Merlotte administration was the idea that every human should have a symbiotic, monogamous relationship with a vampire protector. Way out of left field, but I do like the idea of vampires and humans being forced to come together. There are some interesting possibilities here: such as, why wouldn’t Tara’s first choice of human be Lafayette?! Whoever gets to protect Lafayette is super lucky. But, anyways, Jessica showing up on Andy’s doorstep looking to make some kind of amends and protect the family she helped literally tear apart was nice. Like Bill, this is the vampire I loved. It will take a lot to convince Andy she’s truly trying to be a good person, but I look forward to these two very different characters interacting more next season.
Nude sunbathing in the Alps might seem like a cool idea, but not if you know that the daywalking properties of Bill’s blood won’t last forever. Did Eric know this? Was it self-immolation?
Eric can’t be dead. He just can’t. Until I see a pile of ashes, I refuse to shed even one tear for him. Pam saves him. She has to. What’s True Blood without Eric? And kudos to Alexander Skarsgard for going out while all out. See? What’s so scary about a little full frontal male nudity? And not gross, depressing male prisoner nudity like on Game of Thrones or, hell, even last week’s True Blood when we saw a man’s genitals ripped off.
Next season: Again: roving packs of vampire zombies. Make of that what you will. A lot of people told me online and off that they’d never watch True Blood after this season. I’m still on the fence. This was definitely a lesser season finale. But I do enjoy talking about the show, so thanks to all of the regular commenters. Will you be watching next year?