This show. I don’t even.
Six seasons in, there are glimpses of True Blood’s former gloriously pulpy, soapy self but it’s getting hard see to underneath a film of sloppiness and total nonsense. True Blood is like Lafayette in day-old makeup. No offense to Lafayette. It’s only a metaphor. I’m sure he spares no expense at Sephora to seal in his look for a few days of debauchery.
But for every scene of barely-legal fairy teens and a vampire’s first awakening, we also have to swallow forced plot-amnesia and character assassination.
You’re trying to glamour me, True Blood, and it isn’t working.
Bill is currently using his Billith powers to force a doctor to synthesize some fairy blood to save his vampire peers from immolation at the hands of the Governor. Okay, fair enough. But it seems like he could do cooler things as a vampire god. Last week he threw a dish and this week he made a scientist float. Meh. Too bad Billith powers don’t grant more magical abilities, like being able to filter the good stuff out of fairy blood—or any supernatual blood—and bottle it up. Bill’s story would really feel like it’s spinning wheels if it wasn’t for Jessica. For now. I mean, we know some showdown is coming between Warlow and Bill and the human-vamp war is heating up. So I’m not going to be too harsh. Even if all Bill did this episode was lure some young girls to his house to party and get their blood stolen through a vampire bondage bracelet. That was pretty pervy. Or it would be if it was anyone but Bill, who’s pretty celibate these days.
Eric’s always been one for a plan. A vampire of action, unlike Bill. Only a lot of times, Eric’s plans are really half-baked. I enjoyed watching him turn Willa. I enjoy watching humans get turned into vampires—it’s usually dark and sensual, sometimes it’s scary or tragic, but it’s especially cool to watch these babyvamps appreciate their new power and revel in it. That’s the intrinsic appeal of vampires: they’re sexy and immortal and so much stronger than the everyday mundane human. Willa’s white nightgown reminded me of Mina Harker in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. After she was turned, she looked like one of Bela Lugosi’s vampire brides. Very nice use of a costume. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it.
HOWEVER. Sending Willa back home to Daddy without any kind of training was pretty dense. Maybe she might’ve had a chance of convincing her dad to stop persecuting vampires if she knew how to control her bloodlust. And Miss Willa should have The Talk with Jessica, if she wants to know about having sex as a virgin vampire. Are we not going there? I could do without the status update on Willa’s hymen, but I did think it was kind of impolite of Eric not to sleep with her first. Willa had every right to be pissed and feeling used. That’s not a good way to build loyalty.
I’m still unclear about why Emma can’t stay with her grandma and the wolf-pack. The pack isn’t on V anymore. Am I forgetting something crucial here? And honestly, any ties Sam had to Luna seem pretty freaking gone when he’s making out with Nicole two whole days after she died in his arms. I love how on TV, that’s like flirting. “Someone died tragically bleeding all over me. Now, kiss me, you fool!” I know show-time has to be sped up, but this is just ridiculous. Emma even acknowledged that her mom died two days ago. This is not the way to get people to ship a couple. It’s kinda gross.
Dismissed from Sam like a stray dog you don’t want to follow you home. Really, bitch? That’s not cool. But, hey, he averted Emma’s eyes from naked Sam. Like she hasn’t seen all that before. Ew. It’s kinda weird to think about it too much.
Stranded on Who Gives A Crap Island with Terry and Arlene.
So, I just watched the first season of Hannibal and the ick-factor of watching a young girl lead other young girls into her father’s trap is too fresh. But Jessica’s at least altruistic and was trying to chaperone Bill. How messed up is it that she drank all four girls? Everything with Jessica was a highlight of the hour. As usual. Looking at four dead girls (or are they dead?) broke my heart for all the wrong reasons. I don’t want my favorite character to be responsible for a quadruple homicide. Next week better open with Jess in full fey-blood freakout mode or else every established rule on this show hopped out the window.
Day-um, Jason Stackhouse. As I wish I had a picture to post of Jess in her fan service schoolgirl outfit, I wish I had a screenshot to share of Jason doing shirtless pull-ups. Any goodwill that image built up was torn down by Jason wrestling with his heterosexuality after he dreamed of sexy-shaving Ben. Would Jason even be self-aware enough to be repulsed by some manscaping in a dream? It could’ve been a hot scene, way better than waif-thin Ser Loras sexy-shaving Renly on Game of Thrones. Instead it was a mean tease. It was gayer than some of the love scenes we’ve seen between two men on True Blood, and it was played for laughs. I was really hoping Ben/Warlow would make Jason into his Renfield. Instead, he was glamoured into a different storyline where we’re reminded Jason is a cop. FAIL.
Look at his hair. If Rutger Hauer is thrown into the Phairy Phantom Zone a lá General Zod, never to be seen again? DOUBLE FAIL.
At last... Sookie met Warlow. Is Warlow just the vampire inside of fairy Ben? Is Ben good or evil? What does he want with Sookie now? Why did he have her promised to him all those centuries ago? There’s definitely a lot of gray to this character. How will Ben/Warlow run afoul of Billith? Does it really matter?
It was just cool to watch Sookie discover Ben’s true identity on her own and to try and set a trap for him. Okay, maybe she took to playing Warlow-bait a bit too easily. It’s not a smart offensive idea to put yourself beneath your enemy, in your Victoria’s Secret best, on purpose. But, can’t blame a girl for trying. I mean, we saw Ben shirtless.
Next on True Blood: Are any of you still really looking forward to watching this show next week out of anything other than mild curiosity and a glimmer of hope that more beautiful people will get undressed?
True Blood airs Sundays at 9P.M. E/PT on HBO.