And now the story of a wealthy family and the Hogwarts houses they were sorted into upon beginning their magical educa…wait. What’s happening?
The new season of Arrested Development debuting over Memorial Day weekend is some kind of something. It’s all anybody’s been talking about for the past month. I’m so sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant this Arrested Development is! Overrated. So I figure let’s have some fun with it and started thinking about what Hogwarts houses the Bluth family and hangers-on would get sorted into.
Look at post, reader!
Lucille Bluth - Slytherin
Slytherins are ambitious and cunning, using any means to achieve their ends, and this is precisely how Lucille Bluth rose from her beginnings as a U.S.O. girl and IUD-faking Stuckey's waitress to the mastermind behind the Bluth real estate company. You can refuse to go to Motherboy XXX all you want, George-Michael, but that sailor suit isn’t going to put itself on. Now zip her up.
Lucille’s Patronus is: Gene Parmesan
George Bluth, Sr. - Slytherin
Lucille certainly met her match when she met consummate Slytherin George Bluth, Sr., a man who wiggled seed money from a man who used to play a human bullet (“Did anyone call for 140 pounds of upper body strength?”), hoodwinked investors time and again, posioned a few with muffins, and managed to sneak away from a grandiose warden and a government conspiracy to set him up as a fall guy. Sure, he sometimes gets distracted by ice cream sandwiches, attic tea parties, or his total pro of a surrogate, but that just underlines the fact that he’s always working an angle. Even if that angle is TBD.
George’s Patronus is: Oh, the shrimp.
Oscar Bluth - Hufflepuff
George’s twin brother is loyal to his own repeated detriment, although mostly because he’s freeloading off of George. A good way to tell the two men apart, in prison or at home or wherever, is to note their vastly different levels of ambition.
(Or, if you’re getting good 4G reception, just visit I’mOscar. Dot com.)
Oscar’s Patronus is: Some real sticky.
Michael Bluth - Gryffindor
Michael might be a robot, often disregarding the feelings of those he cares about the most, but he still fights for them every day. (Possibly because he has nothing else to validate or define his life.) He’ll raise your baby, even if it’s not his. He’ll consider some afternoon delight, even if you’re his niece. He’ll marry you, even if you’re incapable of attempting that sort of relationship. And he’ll push you in a cauldron of boiling water in the Tu
nnel of LoveNNEL OF HELL if he thinks you’re going to get in the way.
Michael’s Patronus is: A stair car full of candy beans.
Gob Bluth - Slytherin
Yeah, like the guy in the $3000 suit is going to be in any other house. Come on! Gob might be predominantly lazy, but when he becomes ambitious it’s almost always because he’s excited about ignoring/breaking some rules. Whether it’s performing a
trick illusion, shacking up with Ann or Lucille II, or healing this country’s racial wounds with Franklin’s truth, Gob wants to be remembered for taking taking the shortest route to the most comfortable place. And he’s one hell of an ideas man. I think he proved that with “Fuck Mountain.”
Gob’s Patronus is: Club sauce.
Buster Bluth - Hufflepuff
Buster is utterly devoted to anyone who will pay the slightest bit of attention to him, even after he becomes a monster.
Buster’s Patronus is: A juice box.
Lindsay Fünke - Hufflepuff
Although at first glance it seems like Lindsay should be Slytherin it is, in fact, Hufflepuff traits that define her life. Even though she barely pays attention to her husband or daughter, she is constantly denying or delaying her own gratification out of loyalty to them. And even when she’s not, everyone else is for her, as revealed in the phone transcripts between Lindsay and Bob Loblaw.
Lindsay’s Patronus is: Homeless Thomas Jane
Tobias Fünke - Gryffinpuff
After the Sorting Hat was done screaming, it would probably place Tobias in Gryffindor in hopes that doing so would prompt him to accept his true nature as a Hufflepuff. Because no matter how many quaffles Tobias might try to sink, he does his best work as a beater.
Tobias’ Patronus is: Hot cops in cut-offs.
Maeby Fünke - Ravenclaw
Maeby runs circles around the Bluth family and is, as far as we know, the only teenager to get and hold a position as a movie studio executive. She doesn’t seem to have any active ambitions aside from keeping herself from getting bored, and is generally congenial, but don’t cross her or it’s back to film school for you, asshole.
Maeby’s Patronus is: A freebie.
George-Michael Bluth - Ravenclaw
The perpetually aware George-Michael has the potential to be in any of the four Hogwarts houses but has, at this point, been pretty successfully brow-beaten into a quietly studious Ravenclaw. It’s probably why he and Maeby like each other so much. And, you know, every society has their own rules about this stuff. For instance, in some states, it’s legal to marry your own cousin. California’s blocked it twice, but that’s only because they tacked it onto an estate law thing that wasn’t going to pass. They had the signatures….
George-Michael’s Patronus is: The latest version of Quickbooks.
Ann Veal - Hufflepuff
Good ol’ egg. She’s as loyal as the nose on plain’s face and she’ll always be there for you, George-Michael. You can’t knock her down.
Ann’s Patronus is: Her?
Chris Lough is the production manager of Tor.com and can taste those meaty leading man parts in his mouth.