Fri
Jul 1 2011 3:05pm

Holmes & Watson On Your Case: July 4th Edition

Holmes & Watson: On Your Case

It’s Friday, which means it’s time for the one and only advice column from Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson. Here at Tor.com, we’re not entirely sure why a time-jumping 221B Baker Street materializes out in front of our offices every week, but we submit your questions to its inhabitants all the same!

This week they’re helping out with missing dressing, science fiction fans, and fourth of July kisses.

Vintage Dilemma Writes:

Dear Mr. Holmes,

I am a 28 year-old woman living and working in New York City. My day job is in an office and it bores me to tears. (I hear you, too, hate boredom, Mr. Holmes.) As such, I find myself in the evenings and weekends “painting the town red” so to speak with various alcohol-fueled shenanigans.

However, two nights ago I made a grave error. I have a roommate, Mr. Holmes, a woman who is exactly my dress size and I borrowed one of her vintage sundresses for my night out. However, through the course of one of the raucous evenings, the dress caught fire and was destroyed. Luckily, someone was close by with a pair of overalls, allowing my modesty to be preserved, but the dress was lost. I am fairly certain this was a one-of-a-kind garment. My roommate will be furious, and I’m afraid she’ll keep my security deposit. What should I do?

Holmes: Misdirection is almost always the key to solving problems of this nature. You, Miss, for example are very skilled in the art of misdirection. While this letter purports to be from someone who has accidentally destroyed an irreplaceable dress, the letter was in fact written by someone else entirely. If the real author of the letter where to state their true intentions, I might be able to assist in this dilemma, but as it stands, I cannot work with lies.

Watson: Now old boy, I understand that it might not be possible to replace this dress, but that’s no reason to start throwing around wild accusations.

 

Holmes: There are no wild accusations here Watson, only the naked truth!

 

Watson: I’m afraid I don’t see it Holmes.

 

 

Holmes: The author of the letter is not the woman who borrowed the dress, but rather the roommate who is missing the dress. This letter is designed to incriminate the other woman. Clearly, there is some other grudge at work here, and I would assert missing dress in question wasn’t destroyed by its owner.

Watson: Holmes, speaking of missing clothing, have you seen my velvet bathrobe?

Holmes: Watson, did you just say something? I was lost in thought

 

 

Nerdy and Nervous writes:

Dear Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson,

I have recently started dating a new guy, and I really like him! However, he’s sort of sensitive, and seems to favor Jane Austen novels over sports. So, it comes as no surprise that I’m afraid of introducing him to my secret vice; I’m a fan of science fiction. I don’t know how to reveal it to him. Are there ways of easing him into this sort of thing? Please help!

Holmes: If science fiction is your true love and passion, you shouldn’t allow a relationship, romantic or otherwise to get in the way of it. For me, my work is my life. If I were to compromise that with a romance, I would cease to be functional as a detective. This will be the same with you. If you allow your love of science fiction to be quashed by this imbecile, you’ll never be happy. My advice is to end the affair as quickly as possible.

Watson: If you start someone off with the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “The Inner Light” or the Doctor Who episode “Blink” they’ll be hooked. Trust me.

 

Holmes: Watson, whatever are you talking about?

 

 

Watson: Shh, Holmes. This is the part where he plays the flute….

 

 

Firework Kisses writes:

Holmes and Watson-

I want to watch the fireworks on the Fourth of July but I want to be able to get a kiss right as they are happening, you know, like on New Year’s Eve. How should I go about pulling this off?

Watson: Holmes, I’ll take this one, if you don’t mind.

 

 

Holmes: Not at all. It will be interesting to see how you work.

 

 

Watson: Thank you, Holmes. Now, what this person needs to do is to find someone who is alone, looking wistfully out at the stars. In order to do this, they need to find themselves on a rooftop. If the person has any friends of any kind, this shouldn’t be a problem. The larger the gathering, the better. But the key is to find that hopeful romantic person looking out at the fireworks. Words may not even be needed. They can simply lean in and kiss the person.

Holmes: Quite interesting Watson. Though you are of course, quite mistaken.

 

Watson: Oh?

 

 

Holmes: Yes. The answer is alcohol. At party situations, alcohol creates bravery. How do you think the Americans managed to win their independence in the first place?

Watson: But Holmes, I consider you to be the bravest man I know…

Holmes: Yes, quite right. Pass me the brandy. And happy Independence Day.


Need help sorting out your problems? Write to Holmes and Watson for the answers: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Want more? Click here for the entire Holmes & Watson: On Your Case advice column.

Got more Sherlock to talk? Visit our partner mystery site Criminal Element and their growing index of Sherlockiana, including TV rewatches, book discussions, and more!

1 comment
john massey
1. subwoofer
Whoot! Another brilliant post:)

Erm... was wondering if the girl was wearing said dress when it caught fire? I also find it curious that no one mentions how it caught fire... been dancing around open flames? Burn barrels are not that common in this day and age. I think some arson investigation is called for here.

As for Nerdy and Nervous- gotta start with the classic- "Battle of the Planets", and maybe "A New Hope". If the guy isn't buying it, to the curb he goes.

Words of caution for Firework Kisses- alcohol and rooftops- dangerous bedfellows.

Woof™.

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