Hello, fellow citizens. Have you ever wondered how you’d survive the inevitable zombie apocalypse? Of course you have. Everyone knows 1) blunt objects, and 2) aim for the head. At least, that works with slow zombies. But what about fast zombies? That’s an entirely different problem. Werewolves? Vampires? Aliens? Intelligent Computers? Cloverfield-style-amphibious-giant-monsters-from-beyond-the-stars? If our beloved books, tv shows, movies, and video games are any indication, the world is not exactly a safe place.

So, what’s a survival minded geek to do? I mean, besides the obvious advice—“Do Not Panic”?

It’s a good question. After all, the typical geek is simply not stereotypical hero material. More often than not, we’re redshirts. Cannon fodder. We get killed in the first act to show the threat is serious. Maybe the second. But, defeat the alien menace and return to sweep your high school sweetheart off to rebuild the Starfighter legion because Xur is still out there and a threat? Well, okay, there was that one time that happened. But remember what happened to his robot double? Yeah. I thought so.

Well, that’s where I come in. I’m from the internet, and I’m here to help.

Let’s take a look at the stereotypical zombie threat. It’s late, and you’re in the kitchen getting a midnight snack, when you hear a faint moaning and the distinctive sound of shambling coming down the hall. Now, it could be a slow-moving zombie looking for a midnight snack of his own which will primarily consist of your brains, possibly on toast (everything’s better with toast). But it also could be your roommate, taking a kitchen break on the back end of a forty-six hour marathon session of World of Warcraft. Decision time! Whack him over the head with a handy fire extinguisher on general principles? But what if he is your roommate after all? Who will come up with his half of the rent then? And remember, it’s life or death. Sure, zombie outbreaks are low incidence events, but they’re definitely high impact, so you’ll want to make sure you get this right.

Which is why we have... the Twinkie test. The quick thinking snacker will grab a handy cake from the box, and toss it at the feet of the shambling horror coming at him from down the hall (that description probably applies equally to zombies OR someone who’s been at the computer for two days straight). IF the approaching menace stops and goes for the Twinkie, rest easy, friends. That’s your roommate. But if they ignore the snack cake and keep coming? Maybe moaning something evocative like “braaaaainssss...”? Well, swing away, because only the dead could ignore the siren song of cream filling.

Yes, yes, you say. That’s fine if I’m dealing with one zombie roommate WoW fanatic. But zombies never attack in ones and twos. There’s always a ton of them. What then?

Well, at that point, you’ll want to have a handy bunker, preferably with a heavy door, some good books, and a ready supply of snack cakes. And then, settle in and wait for the army to show up.

Because your job is survival. Ending the zombie menace? That’s why you pay taxes.