Wed
Apr 1 2009 2:30pm

Released DHS Documents Confirm Battle Schools

The Obama administration, attempting to distance itself from the secrecy of its predecessor, has released several thousand pages of previously top-secret CIA and Department of Homeland Security documents. This new transparency sheds light on several previously obscured topics including the locations and activities of Bush-era detention centers.  Most surprising, the documents mention high security “Battle Schools”; a controversial method of training gifted children in virtual reality war games as a means to select future military officers.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates revealed that the Battle Schools tend to justify and even reward cheating and violence as necessary, even laudable, traits. Although the DHS will not acknowledge all details of its educational system, intelligence officials defend the agency’s approach, arguing that the successful defense of the country requires that the DHS be empowered to identify and train the best and the brightest young sociopaths.

UNESCO has spoken out against the Battle Schools, saying that “Children must never be used in combat, even if the children are very smart.” Article 38 of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child states: “State parties shall take all feasible measures to ensure that persons who have not attained the age of 15 years do not take a direct part in hostilities.”

Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who some say first conceived the schools, countered the UNESCO argument by citing the many “success stories” of child soldiers, including King David’s “rise from tending sheep to King of Israel,” which he claims shows the “career advancement potential of pediatric combatants. And the Children’s Crusade, of course,” he said, “is something we can all be proud of.”

The following is a redacted transcripts taken from a taped meeting between Battle School officials:

Colonel XXXX: General XXX, please sit down. I understand you have come to me abut a manner of some urgency.

General XXX: “Ordinarily, Colonel XXX, I would not presume to interfere in the inner workings of the Battle School. Your autonomy is guaranteed, and despite our XXX XX XXXX XXXX XXX  XXXXX my authority XXXXX XXXX order you to take action.

Colonel XXX: Action?

General XXXX: Do not be XXXX with me. Americans are quite apt at playing XXX when they choose to be. XXXXX XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXX here.

Colonel XXX: I gues this means XXXX filed a report. Some of us weren’t XXX. People were crazy for a little while there. Mistreatment of children, negligent homicide—those videos of XXX and XXXX deaths were pretty gruesome.

General XXXX: XXXX feels XXXX toward the students here. He feels XXX XXXX potentially lethal students is more than XXXXXXX XXX borders on conspiracy to cause the death or serious injury of XXXX XX XXXX XXXX.

Colonel XXX: I went back through some of the tapes. I can’t help it. I like the kid. I think we’re going to screw him up.

General XXX: Of course we are. It’s our job. We’re the wicked witch. We promise gingerbread, but we eat the little XXXXXX.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney (who, having officially left the political arena, has returned to the financial sector and intends to purchase a controlling interest in the Bailey Brothers Building and Loan of Bedford Falls) blasted the Obama administration for making Battle Schools known to the public. “You’re only helping our enemy, here,” he said in a recent interview. “Everything you tell the public, you’re telling those buggers in Al Qaeda.”

7 comments
scifidavid
1. scifidavid
Inspired and hilarious!! This is my favorite one so far and I've liked them all!
scifidavid
3. dcole78
so has tor become the new place to go for April fools jokes or are we just collecting them from other places? What would be funny is if some people believed it not knowing the book.
Pablo Defendini
5. pablodefendini
if we were collecting from other places, we'd be linking to the originals.
Lannis .
6. Lannis
Um, I'd *hope* that Tor.com readers would at least be able to recognize this one... I mean, geez!

(Probably why it was saved until the afternoon, eh?)
Matt London
7. MattLondon
In less than ten hours, TÖRdötCÖM becomes the Onion for SciFi news. Start a new site! There's a maaaaaarket.

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