Apr 1 2009 11:00am

Fiction World Rocked as Woman Claims No Sexual Attraction to Neil Gaiman

At a recent book signing, Joan Green, 24, stunned her friends when she admitted that upon meeting Neil Gaiman, she did not find him attractive. “He was nice and all,” she confessed a few minutes after getting a copy of American Gods autographed. “But, he’s not, you know, my type.”

One of Green’s friends, speaking anonymously, said, “She’s lying. Everyone thinks he’s dreamy. Everyone. Even Hillary Clinton.”

Stormy Tombs, author of Britgeeksexgod: The Story of How Hot Neil Gaiman Is, agrees. “This is an obvious ploy for attention. Ms. Green must think she’s pulling some reverse psychology, like he’ll come running to her, entreating her in his gorgeous East Grinstead accent, begging her softly for her love with his full lips and scruffy, occasional beard. It won’t work. He loves only me.” Ms. Tombs went on to say that her book, due out this fall, will feature a scratch-and-sniff page replicating the scent of his leather jacket, a fold-out spread of his autograph-calloused middle finger and several dozen poems about his hair. Tombs claims she and Gaiman will some day marry under a canopy of glittery spiderwebs in an abandoned tube station.

Green, meanwhile, maintains that she enjoyed Gaiman’s work, but prefers her men to be “more the Vin Diesel type.”

1. literatewench
Ow. Ow. Ow. I have a headache and laughing does NOT help. Ow. Ow. Ow....
Agnes Kormendi
2. tapsi
Hmm, maybe she should check China Mieville then...
Melissa Frain
3. frainmelissa
omg. this may have killed me...especially the picture.
4. teresajusino
This made me spew my morning coffee. :) Truly hilarious!
5. ArtfulMagpie
I'm cryin' over here, people! Too funny!
7. Morganwolf
I have already died of ROFL like five times today. STOP DOING THIS TO ME.

P.S., I always viewed him as more of a cool uncle type.
8. Jood
LOL This is great! Especially since NeilHimself RT'd it! perfect for April Fools.
11. b8g8
Do you think Britgeeksexgod: The Story of How Hot Neil Gaiman Is would be too racy for my local library?
CD Covington
12. ccovington
Oh, this is hilarious. Because it's true, of course.
Richard Fife
13. R.Fife
Neil Gaiman makes my nipples go "spung"
14. Maureen Brunner
Your posted pic of Neil looks like a young Rick Ocasek. Fiction / Rocked / Coincidence?
15. Anja Flower
Oh oh oh oh yes. Do want.
Speaking of which, the article is correct. If the world had any justice, Neil Gaiman would be voted to the top of every "sexiest man" competition everywhere. Forever.

And then he would make amazing gay love children with Nick Cave.
16. Joan Green
Ok, fine, I lied. Well, I told a half-truth. He's *so* not my type -- but I really really liked his voice. So what I'm looking for is to have Neil Gaiman read one of his books -- maybe "Stardust" -- to me while Vin Diesel, uh, well, you know.

17. JennaSaisPas
there is no doubt that Neil is hot *IF* you're into his type. Which I am.

After growing up watching Mr. Spock, I'm rather enamoured of tall, broad-shouldered, lean men with full lips and big noses, topped off with brown hair. The sexy deep voices are frigging awesome cherries on the top. They must, of course, be intelligent and creative. High cheekbones are a plus.

Which is why I'm with a blue-eyed likeness of the two who is a librarian and a writer to boot! :D

I swear a man has to have a huge, beaky nose for me to go gaga. However, EVERY person that I've told this to has thought that I'm supremely weird. Most people don't strictly prefer my type of man. They usually like the movie star type, or prefer a certain fashion sense (hiphop, rockabilly, goth, prep, cowboy, etc.)

Joan didn't lie - Neil isn't her type, and that's ok. However, she's very likely to admit that he's going to generally be high on the list of attractive people at any particular convention!

The accent! Mon dieu! That's really what gets most of us! :D Sexy, smart, AND an accent is just too much to resist.
18. Bill Peschel
Please don't tell Neil. It would break his heart. :)
19. researchgrrrl
*\o/* So. Much. WIN. *\o/*
20. ConnieL
Hilarious - I love it!! I heart Neil Gaiman, although I must point out that I was a fan of his (and his Sandman series) LONG before I ever saw a single photo of the man!
21. footnotegirl
My mother didn't fancy him either. "That very nice young British man." she said when she met him, and that was it. She did ask if he had any single older male relatives though.
22. Fluffy
Oh God. Now I have a headache from gasping for breath. Thanks!
23. Kinokim
LOL this is my favorite April Fool's joke this year. But in total seriousness Neil really is my type of guy. He writes great books, has great taste and seems like a genuine nice guy and oh he has an accent (at least to my American ears.) What's not to like?
24. Latecomer
JennaSaisPas @17

"After growing up watching Mr. Spock, I'm rather enamoured of tall, broad-shouldered, lean men with full lips and big noses, topped off with brown hair. The sexy deep voices are frigging awesome cherries on the top. They must, of course, be intelligent and creative. High cheekbones are a plus. "

I just realised I married Mr. Spock without even realising it. And I hate Shatner - Spock is the only reason to watch ST.

Mmmm Sylar as Spock! *drools*
25. researchgrrrl
Clearly this is an April Fool's Day gag as not finding Mr. Gaiman sexually attractive could only be a joke. :D
26. vulgarweed
Ms. Green is young, and it's OK - I do hope she finds a truly sympatico community who will support her in her process of coming out as a lesbian (which, of course, all women who do not fancy Neil Gaiman at least a little are. Must be. Even most straight men who say they don't fancy him are lying).

27. Michelf
To JennaSaisPas@17--
"I swear a man has to have a huge, beaky nose for me to go gaga. However, EVERY person that I've told this to has thought that I'm supremely weird."

Really? My twin sis & I are in total agreement that a big strong nose is a MUST for handsome, manly face! LOVE 'em!
And a great deep voice. Really a toss-up which is sexier--nose or voice. Hmmm...must conduct more research....
28. MotleyHippie
No, no, it's definately not his accent - because I speak with a similar one, living near where he grew up.
It's his eyes. They get me every time. *sigh*
Nicole Brown
29. gaimanfan
30. Bubbles
I'd follow him through a door in the wall. But I'd like to know how good his foraging skills are first.
31. Natilly
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” Tom Clancy

This is so crazy it has to be true! ;)
I have never in my life heard of ANYONE not fancying the gorgeous Mr Gaiman!
32. Mellis
Hah! He kissed me on the cheek once at a book signing. I was so happy! My friends Karrin and Johnny know him in real life, and have dinner with him and such. I keep telling them they have to bring me along some time.
33. Sabrinatee
Please. At best Gaiman looks like the "Russ" character (Bizarro World Ross) on Friends; at worst he looks like a lost Marx brother. He's not my type either (and note: before I was married I made a career out of chasing after geeky Jewish boys). He's a brilliant writer, but not half as gorgeous and fascinating as he thinks he is (I came to this sad conclusion at one of his Comic-Con appearances - he totally believes he's all that and a bag of crisps).
34. Diane Turnshek
I'm totally in love with Neil Gaiman.
One of the hardest things for me to do in my life was _not_ ask him to be toastmaster at the 2007 Nebula Awards.
35. Cde.
Very The Onion.
36. Rikka
how did not see this til today? It doesn't matter. I laughed. XD
37. Sparrow D'Luxe
first off

Mmmm Sylar as Spock! *drools*



How can anyone who has listened to Neil read a story not be totally smitten with him? To those who haven't heard him read I HIGHLY recommend listening to Fragile Things and the story How Do You Think It Feels! Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. I assure you Ms. Green you probably want Neil Gaiman to read THAT to you while he, himself uh, well, you know.

Not to mention dark, mysterious, geeky guys are WAY better lovers! *wink*
38. Carina
Yeah, like I would trust any woman who would prefer Vin Diesel to lovely Neil.
39. Trisha's Thoughts
Yeah, well, he's taken as in no longer interested in women and is officially off limits. So scratch that, ladies. The world's most eligible bachelor is no more. He went from omg to um, sorry dude.
43. gsdk
good morning!sool

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