That's because your common roundworm can do calculus and I can't:

Like humans with a nose for the best restaurants, roundworms also use their senses of taste and smell to navigate. And now, researchers may have found how a worm's brain does this: It performs calculus.

Worms calculate how much the strength of different tastes is changing — equivalent to the process of taking a derivative in calculus — to figure out if they are on their way toward food or should change direction and look elsewhere, says University of Oregon biologist Shawn Lockery...

I will sometimes also use my math skillz to acquire food, but in my case, it's usually limited to "do I have to dip into the 'take a penny' dish to buy this Snickers bar?" Which is not the same thing, I suppose. Stupid nematodes.

You ask, but John, you are both a science fiction writer *and *a science blogger -- aren't you *required *to know calculus? By *law?* Well, apparently not. And in fact, I was the only person in my graduating high school class not to have taken calculus, a fact that drove my school's entire mathematics department insane. Occasionally, one of the math teachers would corner me and try to coerce me into it:

**Math Teacher:** Come on, John. All the other seniors are taking calculus. You won't be cool if you don't.

**Me:**But I don't have to, do I. The school doesn't require me to, does it.

**Math Teacher:** Well, *technically *not...

**Me:** We're done here.

I went back for my 20th year reunion last year and apparently the math department still holds it against me. Please don't tell them that even *worms *can do calculus. I'll never hear the end of it.