Nowadays, when you mention “vampires,” people tend to think of sparkly teens or pasty-faced creeps in collared capes moaning “I vant to suck your blood” in some generic Eastern European accent. While those might be the most iconic images of the bloodsucker zeitgeist, they’re not necessarily the best. Bram Stoker’s Dracula may have defined the vampire for the modern era, but although we associate the story with Transylvania, we tend to forget that Stoker* himself was actually born in Clontarf, County Dublin, which lends further credence to a simple truth: all the best vampires are Irish.**

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We know what to say here. You know what to say here. So just go ahead and say. We can’t say it for you. Look at Ackbar. Look at what he’s holding. Okay, we’re all done with that. We don’t need to make the joke.

Your daily offsite links are totally a trap. Highlights include.

1. Why Stephen Hawking is twisted and evil more machine now than man.
2. Emma Stone really likes the script for the new Spider-Man. Honest. 
3. Children attack Neil deGrasse Tyson. 

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If you look at all five Twilight movie posters, you can see the tone slowly shift from almost painfully serious (vampiric Edward looming over frail Bella) to ridiculous (werewolves and vamps charging across the snow in the final battle). This change reflects the movies’ eventual descent into entirely meta self-awareness, making 2012’s Breaking Dawn, Part 2 into nearly a parody of 2008’s Twilight.

By the time that Twilight first hit theaters, Stephenie Meyer’s novels were already a literary and pop culture phenomenon. Fans breathlessly awaited the first movie adaptation; and like Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, it was almost entirely by-the-book. But as Summit Entertainment released each subsequent sequel, it became clear that the Twilight movies have two very different audiences: the “Twihard” fanbase, and those who see the films ironically.

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I have tried, since stumbling out of the theater Thursday night in a bilious fury, to write an objective review of Breaking Dawn Part 2, the final movie in the Twilight series, and always ended up instead with a creative mélange of George Carlin’s seven dirty words. Today I have decided this is a movie that neither deserves nor needs my objectiveness, niceness, or professionalism.

So fair warning: this is not a review. This is a hatepost. At least once in every critic’s life they encounter a film that offends them down to their very soul. For me, this is that movie. Never in my life have I been so close to storming out of a theater before the end credits. If you want a review, please proceed to Natalie Zutter’s post. Otherwise, put on your troll hats and prepare to sound off in the comment thread. Also, spoilers.

[“Lot of red eyes around here...” Yes, Jacob, eyes red with angry, ragey rage at having to listen to you speak.]

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2 opens with newly-vampiric Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) wrestling a mountain lion in mid-air and taking a bite out of its jugular as her first post-transformation meal. And the rest of the movie either matches or exceeds that level of absurdity. (Warning: There'll be spoilers for the big plot twist later in this post, but I'll give you another warning.)

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Good news, Twilight fans! A full trailer for Breaking Dawn, Part 2 has finally arrived. Get your fill of Volturi vs. vampire action, Bella fighting, and that creepy creepy Renesmee child.

(PSA for non-Twilight fans: Good news! This is the last Twilight film.)

So, the most recently released image of Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises kind of got me worked up. The moment I saw it I think I said something to the nature of, “If I have to see one more woman posed with her behind in my general direction, looking smouldering-ly over her shoulder, I’m going to punch someone in the face. And you two [my Tor.com officemates] should be worried, since you’re the closest people at hand.” My co-workers generally prefer a non-violent environment, so I decided to work through this the only way I know how: with lots of photographic evidence.

It’s not that we all haven’t noted how prevalent titilation is where women in the media are concerned, but this pose in particular is everywhere. And why should that be?

Well, it typically does a good job of showing off all of a lady’s assets for one. And I’m sure if an actress isn’t quite so curvy, showing off her posterior (wow, how many synonyms for “butt” will I have to use in this?) sounds like a good way of ramping up sex appeal. It’s also a pose that tells you, in no uncertain terms, “I’m here for you to objectify me. It’s okay, you don’t have to feel bad about it.”

Now, there is no problem with women being sexual, of course. But when you begin to see certain trends over and over, it’s not hard to figure out who is the benefactor of the imagery. Also important to note, this doesn’t happen to men with anywhere near the same frequency.

And it happens all the time. Observe:

[No, really, look at this]

What’s next for the beleaguered book publishing business? At a time when the industry is facing unprecedented upheaval, along comes the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by E.L. James to make matters even more interesting. What lessons are we meant to learn from the success of Fifty Shades? Is it that sex still sells in conservative America, or that we can still be surprised by the power of ebooks to upset the market? Or is it that America may be ready for traditionally published works of fan fiction?

By now, Fifty Shades’ fan fiction origins are widely known. The books grew out of a work of Twilight fan fiction, originally titled “Master of the Universe.” The question of how closely Fifty Shades hewed to “Master” seems to have been put to rest by an analysis done by Jane Litte of Dear Author.com that compared the texts of the two works and found they were virtually identical.

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Not content to have all the archery action taken by Katniss, Hawkeye, and Merida, Oliver Queen has thrown his Robin Hood-ish cap into the ring. The CW is likely hoping the new Green Arrow show will capture the attention of the same viewers that kept Smallville for ten years.

What else did we find yesterday? A carefully selected group of offsite links awaits you. Swoosh.

Highlights include:

1. Hunger Games games are coming on Friday.
2. Those Ninja Turtles might lose one of their adjectives.
3. The Dude may return to The Grid after all.

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The current Wars vs. Trek smackdown via Lord Bill and Lady Carrie might be in extremely poor taste (and also hilarious), but it has ended in peace at last — peace brokered by the ever-classy George Takei. Rather than address the two opponents and demand their truce, he has pointed out that we fans of all things named with “Star” have a far greater enemy to face: sparkling vampires.

Stubby the Rocket is the mascot of Tor.com and once had a crewmember that sounded like George Takei and refused to say “Oh my.” So frustrating.

There’s a joke twittering around the Internet that pokes fun at Twilight and sequels, by characterizing them as a young girl’s tough choice between necrophilia and bestiality.

Zing! Though I never got around to reading Stephenie Meyer and her multi-volume vampire cycle, I absorbed enough, mostly from this Lucy Knisley cartoon, to get the joke. I’ve also picked up a few recurring complaints about the series over the years. I’ve heard people of the middle-aged variety saying the writing isn’t very good, the characters are about as deep as saucers, that the novels aren’t necessarily shining beacons of feminist literature. Also, the term “abstinence porn” came up.

[Sex, Twilight, and the Flowers in the Attic]

You can’t go see the latest Twilight movie alone. Really, none of the movies were made for single viewership; they have to be enjoyed in a theater with screaming preteen girls, preferably at midnight. So as long as you drag some friends along to Breaking Dawn, Part 1 and keep an open mind, you’ll be set.

If you’re a diehard fan, this is the culmination of waiting patiently for years to see Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward’s (Robert Pattinson) perfect wedding and hellish honeymoon. If you’re a newbie, you might as well skip the other movies and start at the most dramatic one. If you’re looking to mock this one, you won’t be too disappointed.

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Variety reported on Friday that Marvel will be bringing Alias by Brian Michael Bendis into the television realm under the title AKA Jessica Jones.

If they had stopped there, I would have no reservations. Alias is tailor-made for television. It centers around Jessica Jones, a private investigator who briefly flirted with a career as a superhero. Her origin story as both a superhero and a self-loathing gumshoe are very well realized, and the vibe of it melds with the bright, shiny world of superheroes in a variety of amusing and realistic ways. Episodes could tackle superpowered done-in-one cases while dealing with Jessica’s backstory. When written by Bendis, Jessica Jones tended to be so entertaining that you didn’t care what she was up to, you just wanted to follow her around. Alias had an engaging main character, a great supporting cast, a powerful premise, and flexible story format.

It’s hard to mess that up, but the following three elements make me skeptical.

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Have you heard of a little book called Twilight? It’s written by an unknown author by the name of Stephenie Meyer, I think there are a few books in the series and they’ve been moderately successful...

Ahh, who am I kidding I devoured all four right along with the masses. But love or hate those sparkly vampires, one thing is certain, young adult paranormal romance is hot hot hot right now and does not appear to be cooling off any time soon. Throw teenagers, first love, a quest for an impossible dream and werewolves/vampires/fairies/witches/zombies (one, all or any combination of) together and voila you have a recipe that has proven successful again and again and...well you get the point.

[Giveaway details below the cut]

If cut-off jean shorts are “jorts,” are cut-off khaki shorts “khorts”?  The Twilight hating continues below the break.  Very mild spoilers and a feminist rant ahead.

[“Doesn’t he own a shirt?”]

Last night was the release of Eclipse, the third movie in the Twilight franchise. Theaters were packed; Team Edward/Jacob loyalties ran high; anticipatory squeals filled the air.

The movie that unfolded wasn’t worth any of it.

This has gone beyond cinematic “worth” in the context of inscrutable teen tastes, or a shift in the zeitgeist, or any of the other trends that set their intended audience alight while mystifying everyone outside their demographic. This is about a two-hour movie that has to pull its bookend voiceover into the film to explain plot points it never shows, as the camera pans over a lengthy establishing shot of a forest.

...More than once.

[All the spare jean cutoffs in Forks can’t cover up a mess this big. WARNING: Spoilers ahead!]

The latest Twilight film, Eclipse, comes out today. Do you hunger for more? Or do you take your vampire/werewolf/miscellaneous romance a little differently? Whatever the case, check Tor.com out on July 6th, as we kick off a month-long celebration of Paranormal Romance & Urban Fantasy!

On the heels of Warner Brothers’ gothic take on Little Red Riding Hood, Paramount has landed a dark fairy tale of its own. It’s pushing Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters into production, with a projected release in 2011. Producer Adam McKay promises “a steampunk vibe mixed with a little bit of a goth edge and hyper-cartoon violence.”

A dark steampunk retelling of a classic fairy tale? What could go wrong?

In completely unrelated news, McKay also revealed to MTV that producers have approached members of the cast of the Twilight films about starring.

Under the cut, some wild speculation. (The nice thing about a cast of three hundred people under 25 means you can get a pretty decent betting pool going if you put your mind to it.)

[No fair picking Michael Sheen before I do!]