As we might have mentioned before, our favorite office game is to sort characters into Hogwarts Houses. We are not unique in this of course—a good portion of fandom has Sorting Disease—but we like bringing the party to you, as it were.
And with Muppets Most Wanted coming out, it seemed only natural to get the crew sorted! Join us while we play the music and light the lights!
Sure, Kermit is a star and a bit of a showboater, but he’s also got the noggin to manage a crew that would be a nightmare for your average producer/director/creator. Only someone savvy as Kermit could keep the Muppets gang going the way he does. Kermit’s got talent, but what makes him the leader isn’t down to simple charisma. And sometimes, when the going gets tough, he requires a little help from the pals to get back on board.
Kermit’s an organizer with an unpredictable temper. He doesn’t have a lot of patience for nonsense, which is why he can sometimes come off a lot harsher than he intends to. So, not mean enough to be a Slytherin, but not over-egoed enough to be a Gryffindor?
Full tilt diva, yes, but where does Kermit’s porcine love fall in the House battle? She’s got the ego of a true Gryff, but she lacks the self-assurance. She’s shrewd for sure, but often unwise—as we see over and over again in her schemes to get Kermit invested in their relationship.
More importantly, Piggy’s defining characteristic is plain as day… ambition. She wants to be the biggest star in the room, and she doesn’t care whose spine she has to (accidentally) crack to get there.
A true friend to the very end, who has no problem playing second-fiddle to the big tamales. Fozzie doesn’t have the most clever sense of humor, but his earnestness alone will make you giggle. He is always there to help you with the big decisions, even if his ideas aren’t the soundest in the world. He will put aside everything in his life to make sure his buddies are safe and happy. He’s also probably the easiest to wound of the gang, on account of how genuine he is.
Danger? Ha! Explosives? Ha-ha! Scheming…. Did you hear evil cackling off in the distance?
Literally nothing phases Gonzo. He is true to the love of his life, Camilla, and he adores his friends, but he’s often more of a hazard to them than a help. Our favorite… Whatever… spends far more time thinking of ways to get into trouble than fine-tuning the bits that will get him out of it. He loves to tell stories and he loves a good adventure.
Rizzo’s best friend may be a Gryffindor, but don’t let that fool you—his greatest happiness in life lies in the ability to eat all day and party all night. Rizzo wants luxury and the good life, and he’s not too particular in how he comes by it. He’s an opportunist. He knows that any moment the rug could be pulled out from under him, and he’d prefer to sample what fruit the world has to offer while the getting is still good. Rizzo always has a reason to complain, too, especially if he has to put his own behind on the line to come to the rescue.
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem
We hate to group the musicians together, but Dr. Teeth’s gang are like those kids you knew in high school who were basically always high and totally fine with it. Just hear the music, man. It’ll make you happy, and then we can all lie out on a field somewhere and decipher the mathematic equations made up by the stars and… what was I just saying?
Point is, we all love a good band, but Dr. Teeth and the crew are not particularly invested in anything besides their ability to go through life unscathed. They’re great to have nearby in a pinch, but they aren’t exactly motivated in any one direction.
Animal counts separately from the band because… oh, we all know why. He’s the moody adrenaline junkie that everyone usually stays away from because his emotions are just a bit too much to take on a daily basis. He’s probably on the Quidditch team at school, and he’s the scariest Beater you’ve ever seen.
You. Are all. Weirdos. Because you can’t just sit down and behave, and not make a fuss like normal, centered people ought to. There are rules about these sorts of things! Lots of rules. If there aren’t rules we should make some up because order is needed here. Lots of order. And lists—checklists!
He’s the piano player. It’s like the musician equivalent of a bartender. He will hear you out when you’re low and play a tune to match your mood. Rowlf is generally unfazed by the craziness around him, but he calls it like he sees it. He’s got it figured out better than pretty much anyone in the whole Muppet gang. He works hard, he’s reliable, and he will never steer you wrong.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Oh, come on. What kind of dude uses his best friend as a lab rat for most of his experiments? You can only shout “in the name of science!” so many times.
And what kind of poor sap daily allows his own friends to potentially inflict bodily harm on him in the name of said science? We’d say that Beaker was a Ravenclaw too, but he always seems terrified of Honeydew’s latest experiment.
The Swedish Chef
His vegetables know more about cooking than he does, but what the Chef lacks in knowledge, he makes up for in pure devotion to his craft. Keep at it, friend. We know you’ll get your Michelin star one day.
The glue that holds the engine together. Stage managers are so underrated amidst big stars and daredevil acts, but while a fleeting look might cast Scooter as a Hufflepuff, it’s his big dreams that define him better. He’s just biding his time until the day when people realize he’s been right under their noses all along. Sort of like a certain Longbottom we could mention.
Statler and Waldorf
Two privileged old (likely pureblood) dudes sit in on the same show every evening for the express purpose of heckling the performers in a decidedly superior fashion. Gee. Wonder what common room they honed all their snide remarks in?
But you know what’s uplifting about the whole list? The Muppets have no house rivalry. They are perfect proof that anyone can get along with anyone, so long as they are kind, true to each other, and have a joint dream. So it looks like we should all be taking a page out of their play book.