True Blood Season 6, Ep. 3 review: “You’re No Good”

On a rather chatty episode of True Blood, there’s a whole lot of nuthin’ going down until the last five minutes. I have higher hopes for next week, but I won’t lie: I needed a prescription from Lafayette to keep my eyes open during this one.

Except when Billith acts like a total tool.

That was pretty good.

Eric

We knew the Governor’s daughter Willa wasn’t a good little girl. She’s more than just sympathetic to vampires, but I bet only the hot ones makes her feel extra friendly. I always kind of wondered how differently we’d perceive Eric if he looked like Steve Buscemi. If vampire-Steve Buscemi wanted to bite your lady bits and suck on your finger, you’d probably be deeply disturbed by this. But, when Eric Northman is teasing you and playing hard to get, it’s the first vaguely sexy moment to happen on True Blood in some time. Too bad I’m not totally feeling Eric this season. He (or his writers, more like) resorts to repeating himself, loudly, to get his point across. To be fair to his insubordinates, his battle plan against the Governor isn’t really coming together just yet. If kidnapping Willa won’t stop her father’s plan, I don’t think turning her into a vampire would sway him either. So what should Eric do with her?

Sookie

“You’re dead to me!” shouts yet another man at Sookie. Will Bill’s declaration last as long as Jason’s? When Bill entered Sookie’s home without an invitation, it seemed like a good scene after 45 minutes of not much happening. How is synthesizing fairy blood good for vampires, really? Sure, it can make them impervious to the sun for a few hours which can prevent Bill’s friends (and frenemies) from burning at the Governor’s hands. But it also makes vampires insane. But if humans can make anti-glamour contact lenses, I’m sure Bill can work out the kinks in Tru Blood 2.0. Maybe Sookie should’ve offered a trade: get Billith to kill Warlow in exchange for some fairy blood to protect her friends. Or maybe if Bill asked Sookie nicely, he’d have gotten a sample. But instead he was an asshole and threw a dish with his Billith powers.

We’ve seen the Stackhouse kitchen way messier. You can do better than this, True Blood. Sigh.

More of a potential threat to Sookie is Niall’s new recruit, Ben. We haven’t seen Warlow yet, so we can’t rule out that Ben isn’t him. Or working for him. When Niall found the remains of a fairy massacre, there was unusual blood at the crime scene, too. And Ben showed up injured out of nowhere and Sookie invited him in. And Ben can feel Sookie’s mind even though other fey aren’t able to. That’s certainly unusual.

Pam

A moment of silence for Fangtasia, especially the last meaningful look at Eric’s empty throne. Remember first season Eric? When he wore a long wig and sat up in his chair glowering over the club like a disgruntled goth in the food court of a mall? I loved that Eric. Loved the invite scene at Ginger’s house. “It’s okay, Ginger, I understand. You’re stupid.” Ha. Poor Ginger.

Jessica

Does it really matter what she did this episode when she was dressed like that? (I scoured Google for pics, but no luck at press time. Unbelievable fail, HBO.) I mean, that was pretty much the plan. And it worked like a charm. And, hey, it was Mister Wu—doing his best George Takei voice—she was seducing. Glad to see he’ll be in at least another episode or two. Hang-dai, fucking Wu.

True Blood Jason Sookie

Jason

Is no longer crazy and racist. Okay. Thanks for clearing that up. This episode was 90% exposition and about 80% of it wasn’t really satisfying. Better luck next week.

Lafayette

Okay, so I guess his story is just to help Sam because reasons. Heartfelt reasons of loyalty and friendship, but not really compelling character motivation. I want to see an episode that just shows life in Bon Temps from Lafayette’s point of view.

Alcide

So there’s really no reason to like the werewolves anymore at all, is there? Murderous kidnappers. Alcide is a crappy pack leader. His girlfriend doesn’t even listen to him anymore. And she’s really bad with kids. I don’t know who has the right to Emma. We know she wants to stay with Sam, but Martha is her blood and probably has more legal rights. Not that any wolf or shifter can really go to the law these days.

Sam

This is quickly becoming the most boring storyline on the show. Sam spent most of last season chasing Emma. Here he is doing it all over again. I’m a bit curious about the Unity people. Nicole has some chemistry with Sam and her boyfriend is a total dork who was maybe disemboweled by wolves. What’s her agenda, really?

Bill

I LOL’d. Hard. Billith stepped into the sun (like he does, oh, EVERY SEASON) and made like the overcooked ham he already is. Stephen Moyer is at his best when he’s making us laugh at Bill’s earnest intensity. Only, I’m not quite sure we’re meant to laugh. Oh, but I did. So, he’s God and knows everyone’s fetishes? Or is it intel? Or just a needed plot device. Ugh. This. Episode.

Now we know why Andy’s daughters need to age so fast—so Bill can steal their blood.

Man, Vampire Bill is such an asshole.

True Blood Sarah Steve

Steve!

The highlight of the episode was clearly the reunion between Steve and his ex-wife Sarah. I’m a bit worried Steve will be tortured and trapped in the Dreadfort for an entire season, but if it means Sarah can come back and taunt him some more, I’m down. She’s back with bigger hair and she’s bringing her tempting pudding to politics. What if Sarah’s the real threat behind the Governor?

 

Next on True Blood: Shit happens. Maybe only the thirty seconds’ worth that we’ve seen in the previews, but still.

True Blood airs Sundays at 9P.M. E/PT on HBO.


Theresa DeLucci is a regular contributor to Tor.com, covering True Blood, Game of Thrones, and gaming news. Follow her on Twitter @tdelucci

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